Why do I feel this way?

He only leaves my mind for a moment and my past life, my past feelings come back and I am focused.

Then it goes away and there it is... feelings, I am not suppose to feel. The wrong thoughts. 

His eyes pierce my mind.

The small pockets of his shown skin makes my soul burn.

Broad shoulders and muscular arms...

make me lust deeper and deeper .

Please stop thinking this way. Please!

His lips are so kissable and those dimples brings warmth

that smiles brings me right back to being a child.

Why does life have to be this way?

I know its over.

I weep, I will miss the adventure,

the spontenity, the leadership, the passion, the escape, the riding.

His touch is magic, it takes me away from everything.

What I am suppose to do my life is set, not done, but that is  a door I decided to close now I have to live with it

I made this bed now I have to live with it.

Will I make it through through this.

I am not sure if I will.

Do I like not knowing?

Is that what I am looking for the unknown, the challenge, the next adventure.

Who I am?

He won't make me feel complete.

Young boyish and insecure, the same as myself.

Do I like that its not concrete , a little off.

Not perfect. Not what everyone else wants.

Not what I am suppose to do.

Unconventional.

Happiness beats conventional and compromise.

Not to say I was not happy,

How do you know you are happy ? How can you tell when you only know one thing.

That one thing is what you loved and cared for, who has done nothing wrong,

nothing to deserve this. Its like murder...

Power I do not derserve or should not have

Pain he should never feel,

Confusion he should never experience.

I am a monster.

I did not care, selfish and hopeless.

I need clarity on why this happened.

How did I get lost?

Will I ever find my way my home?

If I do

Where is my home?

Please shut it up.

These thought plaque me.

WHAT DO I WANT?

I am tired of asking myself this.

Do I want to go back?

I think so.

I am scared.

How do I know that this is the right path?

Or is it because I have chose it already?

I just want to be me.

My full ponential.

The true me.

It scares me that I have not wrote about him

and how truly great he is.