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I, Fatima, Protect My Beloved

Poetry By: Patricia McGurk Martin
Memoir



My Pat is disappearing in me because of the torture
My Beloved always did disappear, even though I hold me in the cold air conditioning of the mental hospitals, institutions and frigid jails and pray inside my unresponsive skin.

Believing somewhere I will walk and hold my Beloved,
I will find her again, the child I still love, as I linger between deathly sleep and somnambulist sleep waking.


Submitted:May 31, 2011    Reads: 40    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


I, Fatima, Protect My Beloved

For the Fatima, My Love Writings

© 2011 Patricia McGurk Martin Hearst Himmlerr

My Pat is disappearing in me because of the torture

My Beloved always did disappear, even though

I hold me in the cold air conditioning

Of the mental hospitals, institutions and frigid jails

And pray inside my unresponsive skin

Believing somewhere I will walk and hold my Beloved,

find her again the child I still love

As I linger between deathly sleep and somnambulist

sleep waking

Between life and death I was waiting for the meds

already drugged and loving my Pat

with desperation and secrecy

Praying was not allowed as it is

talking to yourself, a sign of instability

Telling me I could not move my lips or speak

No matter how quietly

But I, Fatima, protected my Beloved Self

From disappearing in the frigid air

Of the graves the Haldol, Eskalith, Lithium

Halcion, Thorazine, Morphine, Heroin

Codeine, Methedrine, Methamphetimine,

Seroquel, Cough Syrup, Dalmane, Ritalin

Depakote, Dilantin, Phenobarbitol, Tegretol

Was it Levetrol? Or electrodes implanted in the brain?

And more drugs forced on me

All in prescribed childhood for grave existences

I didn't know I had to live

Deathly drugs forced on my Pat who is Me

Valium, Librium, post-craniotomy meds

You have to take every medicine prescribed

They told me at the hospital

Even if you are allergic to Haldol YOU MUST take it

Or be confined for life in a worse place

Excessive hair on the arms and legs is normal

for seizure medicine don't complain We will call

the Doctor

Yes, the hair growth is permanent

post and pre-electro convulsive meds can also cause it

some narcoleptics that froze my Pat's really my

sense of the id of my "conscious I" as I wept

because no one believed I had ever existed

as Myself, beyond this freezing

but I still clung to my Inner Child to my self-love

my God Self, my Pat called Me once

I was called Me and once I was actually really I

Someone Important not the doctors

He is the voice of the mass graves, I said to

The Brutal Interrogator sitting on my bed

The unheard voice of the graves rarely is heard

I thought to myself and he is

someone I perhaps knew with some affection

perhaps because

I didn't know him and I was a child unknowing

I am not sure why the affection

I answered the questions

For and to the holocaust voice next to me

I must have had affection probably

because he sounded

Terrified the Nazi was terrified

And I had affection once

I realized also I had so few allies here

And felt some empathy

For the man next to me the terrifying

Voice of the graves I protected somehow

I, Fatima, protect my Pat

In the institutions in the spanking libraries

I founded the libraries and the Dewey Decimal System

is mine as well as the database searches

LOC included

The databases themselves the foundation for

The Internet

With my accurate memory finally

Of the graves they were my graves

They had put this man in the mental

Hospitals I could smell

The deathly chemicals around him

Or perhaps that is just where he

Is returning from some sort of labs

Just like they did to me as a child

In the nazi torture labs

With the monarch's

(really my) recycled Giant bags

He was carrying many plastic bags

Setting them carefully down in my style

Someone said I had to carry

The heavy plastic and dirty canvas bags

Of a homeless woman later in life

After childhood

And also be the Jewish woman intellectual

Wearing a helmet and odd clothing

Talking to herself all the time while

reading books if she could manage to read

To prove who I am before

Auschwitz took my life

Took me the person with my body

I had to do it with no choice

I was being accused of knowing Nazis

anywhere this time or and Communists

in the United States I was tortured

through Interpol

It was April or May of 2009

According to my rent receipt at the Condominiums

for the shared mental apartment

not far from the real Vatican someone said

as they planned to drop insects through the vents

the Pope's bugs

Pleased to meet you he said

they are all usually done in by their enemies

before I ever get to meet a Pope

although I thought it was last Spring 2010

until I remembered the Vacant Drawer in the

deathhouses they put me in as a "dead coma victim"

people came in and left the room later

some raping me dumping verbal venom

hatred on my suffering consciousness

buried alive again

I had told them again that no one

uses me to do anyone in

Dogs Howl and They Persist in murder

Mourning Doves Cry in the daylight

And dogs howl

When I speak of this atrocity of these Lost

Agony Years living near death tortured

As a child and woman later

I still protect My Beloved

And I don't do people in

Dogs Howl and Mourning Doves Cry

I live past death to protect

My Beloved

Who will never disappear in me Again

I, Fatima, protect my Love

I have held me in the cold mental

hospitals underneath cold sheets with

a thin cheap blanket I was afraid to move

my body until they said I could each morning

I woke up to a Death Sun a room with no light

afraid to say I, Fatima, protect

My Love

I, Patricia L. McGurk

I , Fatima, have rights

Any sort of rights especially

Human rights

Afraid to Speak in the United States





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