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"Dying Inside"

Poetry By: RaisinGirl
Memoir



my pain, my addiction, my depression, my fatigue, the effects, my thoughts, my emotion, my only reason is my daughter for hanging on....I cry tears right now...my body is dying inside...I am losing myself...so here is my random expression...I am angry as well...


Submitted:Jan 5, 2009    Reads: 801    Comments: 2    Likes: 3   


I am so sick of feeling empty, sick of feeling sickened, feeling such despair

No matter what happens, I am left to die alone inside this creepy nightmare...

I have an inevitable addiction, a chemical dependency, to the numbing

But without the killing, the pain is crushing me into a gruesome something...

I am like a fiend without my medication, yet with it I am mentally powerless

I am so tired, and I am flooded with emotion, and at times, crazed, nonetheless...

I want to live, then I want to die, but when I want to succeed, I start to cave

I only sleep when I am not supposed to; I cannot sleep when it's time to crave...

I cannot eat anything when I am supposed to, and when I do, I lose myself

I panic the days away; crying, dying inside, continuing to lose my weight as well...

I lose my balance, and my co-ordination is unstable, and yes now, I am high

At the moment, yes, I am feeling the numbing sensation, as I write this down tonight...

I tried to make all the hurt go away, so I took too many little pills today

I got dizzy, and felt faint, so I lied down, desperately, but all I can say...

Is that it doesn't matter, cuz I barely slept, when my body really needed to

So now I am up late, writing about my depression, and feeling stupid too...

I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate my addiction, I certainly hate my pain

The walls close in on me constantly, and I can say it's claiming my name...

What do I have to give now, to anyone, cuz I just tend to drive people away?

What's it gonna take to get through to them, and getproperly treated anyway?...

I threaten to take my life all the time, and it doesn't make any difference

Depressing thoughts consume my blood when I am fueled with these regrets...

I regret being alive sometimes, for it's not worth suffering alone in darkness

Makes no sense to me at all anymore, again bringing on the fires of distress...

I want to break myself as if I had a choice, but fortunately, I won't instead

You may think it's the meds that arethe problem, but without them I am "dead"...

Dead anyway....feeling worthless, but I deserve so much more than to be trapped

Trapped inside this glass cage, with a stone-cold heart that is being strapped...

Strapped to the floorboards, in a bleeding position, tearing my eyes out

Down I go into the cracks and corners of the floorboards, and as I try to shout...

No one hears me, I just lie here bleeding, my throat being as a black hole

My eyes are dead, and my thoughts panic, as I taste my blindness as a whole...

Leave me alone, or don't, it does not really matter, I guess, anymore

I hope the doctors are happy for they have turned me into this whore...

Hooked on these precious pills, and milking my insurance for all its worth

How can I be expected to remain like this, upon God's beautiful earth?...

My life is at a high stake, which I am not even prepared to run away from

I want to cash in my chips, and I'll toss in the coins, and then some...

But my little girl is my only reason I am still standing, and as I try remain

Until some things change, the ugly carpet I step on is my pain, and I'm the matching stain.





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