He was just a boy.  I'd met him years ago.  We were at a church party at his house, playing volleyball, listening to music (he and I loved the same radio station), just hanging out.  When I saw his face I knew it was a crush.  I just wondered if he felt the same way.

            Then I found out.  Five years later I show up in church, his domain, and we begin to talk once more.  We didn't talk about anything important - mostly the fact that he finally got a new phone (so did I).

            I was just starting to get to know him as a person when it happened.

            "Are you sure you don't like Cora?"  I had asked, observing them flirting at the bowling alley.

            "We're just friends," he smiled, but sounded really convincing.  "So who do you like...at church here?"

            "Well, no one really," I explained.  "I will give you my cute list though."

            "Okay."

            "Chris, his brother Matt, Josiah...when he had longer hair...and one other guy."

            Minutes later after we each finished our turn bowling, we resumed the conversation, standing so close to each other I could feel little hairs on his arm.

            "So who's on your list?"  I ventured.

            "Well, I don't really like anyone, but there's a lot of girls I think are pretty."

            "Like who?" I prodded.

            "Well..." he slightly lowered his voice. "Cora, Caiah, and Emily's kinda pretty."

            "Yeah," I agreed. "They're all pretty. Especially McCaiah. She's totally gorgeous."

            "There's one other girl," he added.

            "Who?"

            "I won't tell you unless you tell me your guy."

            "Okay."

            "I'll go first." It was a mixed statement-question. "You."

            "You." I responded.

            Suddenly it was my turn.  I bowled and came back immediately.  "To tell you the truth," I began.  "I used to have a crush on you in like, seventh grade."

            "Me too."

            So it was confirmed.  He felt something.  Or at least, he had.

            Another bowling break.

            "Okay, so I have a confession to make."  My heart started pounding faster.  "I still like you a little."

            "Same here," I said meekly.

            After that we stood in silence, soaking in each other's presence, still so close I could feel his bare arm.

            "Do you want to sit with me in the back of the van?"  He smiled.

            "Sure."

            So I tried.  Turned out only he and Cora and one other girl fit in the backseat.  I ended up on Emily's lap.  Figures.

            When we got back to church we were the last two out of the van.  He held out a hand to help me out and he didn't let go.  We walked together in through the kitchen and as he held the door for me, he slipped his arm around my back, something I'd seen guys do when they were dating.

            We let go of each other in the kitchen and hung out like normal with the rest of the kids.  I told him I wanted to show him something on my laptop so I went to go get it.  I couldn't seem to find it in the room where we all had our sleeping bags, so we walked together into an adjoining room to check.

            It was dark, and he didn't bother turning the lights on.  He just slipped his arms around me and held me.

            "Yeah, I definitely like you a lot," he said as we emerged, no laptop in sight.

            A few minutes later I located the laptop and let him read something while we all ate pizza.  After that he slipped back into the dark room and into the little hallway.

            He stood right in front of me with a look in his eyes that meant something was going to happen.  He pulled me in and our lips met. 

            Suddenly I felt his tongue inside my mouth.  I was shocked, but we didn't stop.

            Then we heard the door open.  We heard loud conversation and immediately we pulled apart.  "Yeah this is what we were looking for," he pointed to a random box, in an effort to conceal our activity.  I assumed nobody would go for it.  Subtly I wiped the moisture from my mouth.

            "Hey guys," Cora said cheerfully.

            Sixty seconds later Cora and Galila were out the door and we were back in the corner.  This time I let me own tongue slip out.  Again we were interrupted by someone walking in the door.  And again, no one seemed to be suspicious.

            If I remember correctly, we went back to our corner a third time and realized that we couldn't do this without getting caught.  We walked back into the main room together and found seats, waiting for everyone else to get ready for games.

            "Am I moving too fast?" he asked.

            "A little," I dodged the truth.

            "You have soft lips," he commented.

            I wanted to say "You have soft hands," but instead the words came out "Is that a compliment?"

            "Yeah," he laughed. 

            "So I've never actually done that before," I admitted, my lips still feeling weird.

            "What...never made out with a guy?"

            "Yeah.  Was it bad?" I was really curious."

            "Well...you could use a little work.  But I can teach you."

            After five minutes of making out, I wanted more.  I was definitely in favor of his proposal.

            The rest of the night we weren't together much so we didn't really get to talk much.  He did stare at me a lot though.  And in the building I made an effort to sit by him.

            By 4:00am we were finally done with the messy games (involving alka seltzer, eggs and raw fish) and all the girls were in the bathroom getting on their pajamas and doing their nightly stuff.

            I sat down in the hallway with Cora just to talk.  I told her what happened earlier, only because I felt like I had to tell someone or else it wouldn't really be happening.

            Ten minutes later, I was sitting next to Thomas again. "What did you tell Cora?"

            "Why?"

            "I can tell she's mad at me. What did you tell her."

            "Well, I told her I like you." It was the truth, just not all of it.

            "And that I like you?"

            "Yeeah," I said cautiously.

            "What else did you tell her?"

            "That was it." Why was I doing this?  I'm not a natural liar, trust me.

            "Just don't go telling anyone what happened okay?  I think it was a mistake?"

            "What?" I felt like screaming, but I kept my voice at a natural level.  "What happened?"

            He couldn't really come up with a coherent answer. "Just tell Cora I don't like you like that, okay?"

            I went in search of Cora but to my annoyance she was outside with Gloria and our youth leader Mary.  Despite the breezy air and my lack of shoes, I stepped outside.

            I approached the bench.  "Cora I need to talk to you."

            "Okay, can you give me a minute?"

            "I really need to talk to you," I emphasized, trying not to be rude.

            "We just need to finish up what we're talking about," Mary inserted.  "Give me a couple minutes and I'll hand her right over."

            Silently and reluctantly I agreed, walking back into the building without smiling.  Four hours ago, I had felt on top of the world, shocked that nobody noticed how happy I was.  Now I was starting to feel like crap.  I had to talk to Cora.

            As I waited, checking the door over and over, I put my head in my hands, making myself feel even worse.  A few girls came up to me, asking if I was okay and looking genuinely worried.

"Some stuff just happened," I said, looking around the room for Thomas.

"It's okay if you don't want to tell us," Micaiah soothed.

"I do, but I'm not really sure if I should."

They were content with that, just sitting with me, until finally, after what seemed

like hours, Cora came back in and we sat down to talk.

            "Please tell me that was not about Thomas," I begged, referring to the youth leader conference on the bench outside.

            "Oh no, don't worry.  Gloria and I just had some feminine issues we had to talk to Mary about."  Not thinking she would lie, I believed her.

            So we talked for a while.  I told her everything that had happened with Thomas in the past few minutes.

            "Thomas said it was a mistake."

            "What?" She mirrored my reaction.

            "I don't really think it was.  He said he thinks you're mad at him."

            "I'm not."

            "I didn't think so. But I just feel like he's changing his mind because he thinks that being with me will mess up his friendship with you."

            "I don't understand why he thinks I'm mad at him. I'm not.  And really I don't care.  Just tell him that I don't care."

            The opportunity came a few minutes later.  Thomas went out the doors into the hallway.  He went into the bathroom and I sat on the floor waiting for him.

            "Come sit," I patted the floor next to me when he came out.

            "I don't think that would be a good idea," he said.  "It just wouldn't look right."  Now he was worried about getting caught?

            "We need to talk though.  Cora said she's fine.  She's not mad at you."

            "I just don't."

            "Don't what?"

            "Don't like you like that anymore."

            "I don't get it.  What happened?" I desperately wanted to know. "I thought..." my voice trailed off.

            "We can't talk now. It's not the right time."

            Will there ever be a right time? I felt like asking.  But I didn't.  I let him walk back into the room to join everyone else.  The room where we both had to pretend things were fine.

            Sometime past 5:00am Mary came and found me.  "We need to talk," she said, leading me back to the dark hallway where Thomas and I had made out.  This time, we went into a room with the light on and there on the couch were Thomas and her husband Michael, the other youth leader.  I groaned inwardly.

            After Mary got comfortable with several blankets and I was left to shiver in my pajama shorts (the fact that I had to pee didn't help), Michael and Mary bega.

            "We really don't want to make this awkward," Mary looked at both of us. "But someone told me some things that really bothered me and we need to figure out what happened or didn't happen in this situation."

            I looked over at Thomas, watching him mouth the words "Don't tell them anything."  I felt pressured to respect Thomas's wishes but at the same time I wanted to explain what really happened.

            "I'll go first," Thomas started.  "So we were at the bowling alley talking about who we thought was cute or whatever and I mentioned the fact that I had a crush on Olivia in like 7th grade.  I made it very clear that it was past tense.  So we came back here, looked for her laptop and got on it.  There was no touching, holding, kissing anything." He looked directly at me.  "If I gave you the wrong impression I'm really sorry.  I just hope we can be friends.  I like to think I make a good friend," he laughed uncomfortably.

            "So Olivia, do you agree that that's what really happened?"

            For at least a minute I sat in thought, staring at the ground, wondering who I should be loyal to.  Finally, I muttered, "I guess so," thinking that they would notice I was only saying it because it was what Thomas wanted me to say.

            "The reason we're here today," Mary said, "is because we want to make sure that nothing inappropriate happens in our youth group.  Our pastors Bonnie and Mahesh are very strict about things between the opposite sex.  In Romans it talks about not "have the appearance of evil," and we really want to stick to that."

            "Yeah," Michael consented. "Even when Mary and I were engaged, we weren't allowed to any kind of affection in public, at the church.  No public display at all."

            "We just think it's important that the youth group get along without any kind of awkwardness between the opposite sex.  For years we've had guys and girls sleep in the same room and we don't want to feel like that's a danger to anyone."

            "I agree," Michael consented again.

            "Plus, I don't know if you know this or not," Mary turned to look at me, "but the Floyd boys are not allowed to date.  Maybe two or three people in this entire youth group are allowed to date."

            Then it was back to Thomas, "Yeah I really don't think this is a good time in my life.  There's just so much going on.  And I just don't see the point in dating while you're in high school, because you pretty much know it's not the person you're going to marry."

I was astonished he could sit there with a straight face and say that.  Thomas, the guy who offered to "teach me" how to make out must have gone out with a least a couple of girls if he was so good at it himself.  I mean, what kind of guy, after a twenty minute conversation in a bowling alley just ends up with his tongue in a girl's mouth?

I hardly remember the rest of the conference conversation.  Even what I did describe was what vaguely comes together in my mind.  One thing I do know is that I felt left out.  For one thing (though small) no one even offered me a blanket or anything to keep me warm.  In general, I felt isolated because it seemed like everyone's attention was focused on Thomas while I was just the background music, the one to corroborate his made up story.

Once I left, Michael and Thomas stayed and chatted a few more minutes, and apparently got things worked out.

            When I reached the main room again, I headed straight for Cora.  Mary had said that she hoped we would leave everything "in this room," but I felt like I just couldn't not let her in on the ending, depressing as it was.

            I told her everything, how I knew he lied - he just twisted everything -  how I could see the tears forming in his eyes (while mine remained drier than ever) and how I felt manipulated and let down.

            Somewhere in our conversation, Micaiah entered the hallway, followed by Sarah, a girl I hardly knew.  They sat down on my other side and when I'd finished talking to Cora and she'd gone back to watch Pirates of the Caribbean 2, they just listened as I recounted everything.

            Them listening made me feel a little better.  They knew Thomas better than I did, and their advice was to be friends with him, but not to get too close.  Speaking from experience, they knew that he could be disappointing and they warned never to make him mad.

            Finally, at around 6:30 I made to sleep, despite the fact that I was freezing and had forgotten a pillow.  When I woke up around 7:45 everyone around me was moving and talking and seemed all energized while I lay shivering.  Finally Cora came over and offered her hand to help me get up.

            As soon as I stood up I couldn't move.  I tried to walk while balancing on Cora and felt myself lean close to the floor, still shivering.  This was all too familiar.

            Cora led me to a chair in the main room and Mary came and sat by me, asking what was wrong.  I was so dehydrated, as I'd been for the past 24 hours, that my tongue was dry and just didn't want to work.  I just kept shivering.

            "Honey, what's wrong?" Mary asked yet again.

            I shook my head.

            I heard her begin to pray over me, quietly, singing comfort to my ears.  I tried to pray too but my mouth felt like cardboard and no normal sounds came out.

            Chris, the guy on crutches, looked really worried like he wanted to help.  I pulled my right hand from under the blanket and motioned like I was writing.

            "You want to write?" he asked.

            I nodded.

            Seconds later he returned with paper and pen.

            I need to talk to Thomas, I wrote.

            "Why?" Mary asked.

            Because otherwise my body will continue to shake from the stress.

            "I'll get him," she said, "but I'm going to stay here while you guys talk."

            I nodded again and tried to mumble an "okay."

            I just want to clear the air, I wrote when I saw Thomas standing over me.

            "I just want to clear the air," Mary repeated aloud, as if he couldn't read what I'd written.

            "Don't worry about it," Thomas looked at me.  "I'm not holding onto any emotions or anything."

            So we can just be friends and forget about it?

            "Yeah."

            "Thomas we have to go!" His mother interrupted.  I didn't want to make his mom made, but I got up as he walked away, limped over wordlessly and gave him a hug.

            It seemed like things were going to be all right.  Until I decided to tell the truth.

            As we were all about to leave (my dad, me, the family we carpooled with) I saw Mary in the parking lot.  I went up to her, meaning to say something, I don't even know what.

            "You do know Thomas was lying right?" was what came out.

            Her face was covered in surprise.

            "Yeah," I sighed. "What Cora told you - that was the truth."

            So I told her.  I told Mary what had really taken place.

            "So what was it like?  I mean, were you guys hot n' heavy...what exactly happened."

            "Well........his tongue was in my mouth."  Did I really just say that to a youth leader?  "Yeah, I just felt like I couldn't say that when we were in the room together."

            "You know that was the whole point - to say this stuff."

            "I'm sorry...I just didn't feel comfortable."

            "Well, I'm going to have to talk to Thomas again now."

            "Do you really have to...dig it up again?" I whined.

            "Yeah, because now it's a trust issue."

            I sighed, a mixture of relief and fear of what was to come.

            Mary and I talked a little longer, and basically what I determined was this: Mary and Michael really did believe Thomas.  They thought of him as a guy of good character, someone who would never do something this impulsive.  Mary suggested that the reason he lied was fear of his parents. 

            As for me?  They didn't know me so they didn't know what to expect.  Based on my dad (one of the most Christian people I know) I should have been nothing but pure.  But I let it happen.

            I wanted it to happen.  I didn't stop him.  We were in agreement - if only for mere minutes. And now, I want more.  I was snared by sensuality, like a trap, closing its jaws around my heart.

            All this time, Thomas says he doesn't feel anything, that it was a mistake.  Well, after confiding in my two closest friends, I determined that it's time for me to let him be.  Thomas is his own person and if he lied in front of the youth leaders, that's his issue and he needs to confront it.  My responsibility is to further my own healing.

             Usually my stories have a moral (a fact I've been warned can be annoying) but this one...all I know is, it's a mess. Less than 48 hours later, I still feel broken and hurt.  Who knows how long it will last - hours, days, maybe months. 

             I do know one thing.  Someday I will heal.  I will let my tears fall freely and let Thomas go, let us go.  Someday I will reconcile with God, learn to forgive but not forget.  My day will come.