We were driving home. It was 3 am, Sunday morning. Storrow drive was covered with mist, that was rising from Charles river. The roads were empty. We were giddy and tipsy. At that moment everything was beautifull, happy, care free.
"Look at the the mist, its so beautiful." I heard myself say out loud to Rus who was skilffully driving his Toyota Camera.
As we turned on onto our exit, we saw a car in the middle of the road. It was empty. He pulled the car over and haulted to an immediate stop.
He got out of the car, to discover behind it. A man laying curled up on the ground. I got out of the car as soon as I saw, Rusicks frozen white face. I ran to him to discover the man. His face was covered in blood. One eye was half closed the other one was popping out, open, frozen still in time..
Rus had him sit up, pulling the man up from the bloody puddle he was laying in. I ran to get blankets. The man on the ground kept saying over and over how cold he was.
I ran back to him with the blankets. Covered him, hugged him to keep him warm.
"Watch what you are doing! There is blood everywhere…" Rusick yelled at me.
I didn't care. All I cared about was keeping this man warm.
"You are ok. Everything is ok" I heard myself say, as kneeled down. "Everything is ok. You will be fine". My thoughts didn't fully agree with my statement. Would everything be ok, for this poor man or was I lying to him and to myself?
From a distance, we heard sirens. The fire truck, followed by a police car had finally arrived. The man was covered with blankets. I was still holding him and rubbing his shoulders.
A police officer approached "Did you see the accident?" No we answered. As the fire troopers ran up to aid the man. I was finally relieved from my duty of keeping him warm.
I kept thinking about a poor man, who had crashed his car right before the holidays. How scared he would be when he would wake up in the emeregency room. How alone he would feel.
We got back in the car. A friend of ours was still lightly snoring. He missed the whole fiasco. The tragedy. As we pulled away from the horrific accident, I kept thinking how lucky I was to be alive, and about the poor man, who would wake up confused and alone in the emergency room probably in the next couple of hours.
it was four am, by the time we got to our next stop. We parked infront of Kalis's house. Who was beginning to wake up from his drunken slumber. Rus, began telling him about the horrific scene we had just witnessed.
I kept thinking to myself that poor man who would wake up all alone scared and terrified in the emergency room in a couple of hours.
There was a bottle of vodka in the backseat. For which Kalis happily reached for as he was beginning to regain his counciousness, from his drunken slumber.
"Davoi v mozhen" he drunkenly slurred in Russian. We agreed. He opened the vodka and took the first swig, after chaising it with Pepsi he passed both bottles to Rus. Who to, took a swig and chaised it with vodka. I repeated the same action. The vodka tingled and burned my throat. I chugged the Pepsi. The discussion continued about the car accident and the poor man who would wake up all alone in the emergency room.
Everything in my world felt safe in those moments. Everything I knew, trusted and loved was peacefully there along with the mist.
Kalis being a drunk, would continiously say "Davoi v mozhem", and we would. We would take a few more shots.
I had turned up the stereo, and began to ask questions about a song. The meaning of the words, which I hadn't completely understood. But I liked the beat. It was catchy. Rus began to explain to me and define the words I had misinterpreted. We were safe and unbroken. I was giddy, dizzy, tipsy. I was happy.
It was 5 am and my happy tipsy was turning into frustration since Kalis was still in the car. Taking shots, and I was getting tired. He would end up staying in the car until the vodka was all gone.
I made a snide remark to Kalis as I normally do, when I began to feel frustrated it with him. The response I received from him, hit me like a ton of bricks. Smashed my dreams of the future. Twisted and churned my stomach. I thought of the poor man who would wake up in the emergency all by all alone, scared. I was no different from him, in those seconds which felt like hours. His words rang in my head.
"Yeah, I am going. Rus still has to drive home to his son. Nu davoi eshe rozok v mozhem." He wanted another shot before he got of the car.
I looked right at Rus, the words were ringing in my head, on repeat screaming, Rus son, Rus son. "You have a son?" this couldn't be true. This is the man, I trusted. Loved with all my heart. My whole being. The man I had believed who had rescued me from dispear.
"yes", was his sheepish response. Once again I heard myself ask "You have a son?" He was just looking at me. Half smiling half scared of my reaction. I asked again. This time after I asked I felt my hand rise up in the air, slapping him hard across the face.
He was silent. Kalis went on talking, about how everyone wants to have a son. His drunken ramblings were infuriating. He mentioned, Plato and attemepted to plead the innocnece of his friend.
I couldn't handle his ramblings. Insteaed all I kept thinking about how all of a sudden everything had turned into nothing. How it all began to sleep away from me and rise up along with the mist, along with my happiness.
It was than 6 am.
I felt numb, I took a cigarretter out of the a pack of Marbolro lights and got out of the car. I sat on the paced as I smoked the cigarrete. This couldn't be happening. I couldn't feel my body. I felt the smoke that felt my lugs. It felt good.
I got another one, and chain smoked it.
It was than 7 am.
The mist had lifted along with all the remainders of happiness. I was out of ciggarettes. I couldn't look at the man that I loved just a couple of hours back. The man that ran to help a victim of a car crash. The man I trusted with my life. Was now my enemy. I couldn't talk to my best friend, because he was gone with the mist. I couldn't cry on his shoulder. I couldn't look at him.
Rus, with Kalis still in the back seat drove to the store, to meet my hysterical demands for another cigarrette and another. I couldn't get back in the car. Instead, I found myself wandering aimelessly.
I found cigarrettes in my pocket and smoked the last of them. Apart of me needed to get home. Away from all this. I walked to the bus station. I was ready to wait for the bus. When I realized my cell phone was left in the car. Still playing music, and the love songs we used to sing to one another. Just a couple of hours ago. When I would comfortably hold his hand and he would mine. When the mist was rising up from the Charles River and everything was beautifull. When I knew, I loved him and he loved me. Before the car accident, before I knew the truth.
I walked back from the bus station. I needed to get my cell phone. It was the most important thing. All I needed was that cell phone. Nothing else mattered.
I was turning into the mist. I could no longer feel my body as I made it back to where the car should have been parked. Before it sped away to the store, to meet my hysterical demands.
The car was not there, my heart sunk even lower, deep into my stomach.
He abandoned me. He just drove away……was now a new thought that was racing away in my mind, having a heart beat of its own.
A car pulled up beside me. It was the Toyota Camry. I wasn't abandoned, but maybe I should have been.
I got back into the car.
The next time I looked at the time,
It was then 9am.
Rus and I were parked outside my house. It was the two of us. I had finally stopped slapping him. Kalis had finally gone home. With his drunken rabblings of Plato and Platonism. With his reasonings for why Rus had a son and how woman want a baby. How every woman wants to have a son. She was his wife back than, she wanted a son. Rus had given her what she wanted. "all woman want children. You should have children. Don't you want children?"
Didn't I want children? That question from the drunken lunatic still bounced around in my mind. All I ever wanted was to have a family with Rus. Didn't I want children? Yes, in my dreams I had twins a boy and a girl. We named them Ruslan and Luidmilla. Didn't I want children?
Yes, but I can't have them.
I felt peace to finally have those drunken ramblings out of my head. They left a permanent burn within me. Which now was attempting to heel.
Rus felt at peace from my slapping him and hysteria. My legs had stopped shaking. Was I numb, or healing?
I was fianlly passed my hysteria, the dispear had made a permanent home within my heart.
I finally looked at the man I loved just a couple of hours ago. His eyes were exhuasted, red, and teary. He was drowning within himself. He tried to smile.
His smile bugged me. Was he happy? I wanted to slap it off his face.
Instead, I found myself reaching for him. For his hand. Needing him. Needing to remember his hands. The shape of his nails. I traced my fingers over them. He sqeezed my hand.
I knew than the desicion was mine to make. If we stay together of we fall apart. I listened to him. To what he had to say.
"I couldn't tell you. I tried. I didn't know how."
"Why couldn't you?"
"I was scared of your reaction. I imagined telling you in my head. This is not how it was supposed to be. You were never meant to find out from him. No one knew, I didn't tell anyone."
"You are a liar. You lied. You are my best friend, or so, I thought. You should have told me when you found out. "
"How do you think I have felt. Didn't you ever think we were more than friends. I was scared"
"You don't have any balls. Grow a pair."
"Maybe I didn't have any balls. I didn't know how to tell you. I pictured a variety of your responses what you would do or say. I tried to tell you many times. But I couldn't. Remember when, I came over a month ago. Your mother was out skiing. We sat on the balcony and I said, is it possible for something like this to happen every ten years?"
"I misunderstood you."
"I know you did, I knew by your reaction. I said you didn't understand, that you were to calm. You didn't ask any other questions."
"I was scared. I thought you were talking about us. I thought you were trying to tell me you loved me. Every ten years, I thought that was a comparison between Julia and I."
"I know. I know you well."
"I know. What now? What do you want from me? Its all broken."
"I don't know."
"What responses had you imagined I would have when you finally told me?"
"Its not important. But I did picture one ending, where you would get a present for the baby and give it to me and say after all you had a son. He deserves a present. This is not me saying that I want you to do this. That it is the right thing to do. NO! Its just one scenerio, I pictured. Its just something you would do."
"It sounds like something I would do. Apart of me wants to tell you that I would do that, another part of me says I can't. I don't know what to do. Lets go home?"
"What no, you need to rest. Feel better sleep on this."
"No, I need you with me. I am doing this for me. I know myself too well. If you leave now all will be lost. I don't know what I am going to do. But I need you with me."
In my mind I was picturing a scene from Sex and the City, when Carry and Aiden both know its over but hold each other for that one last night. I pictured it for us. I understood that.
We went up the stairs.
By than it was 10 am.
My mom was on the phone with my grandmother laughing in the kitchen. Rus was making his way behind me up the stairs. We went to my bedroom.
We held each other.
I woke up,
By than it was 2pm.
I was all cried out. He was next to me, sleeping. I loved him again in those seconds. He was peacefull and beautifull, innocent. He has been the man I have been in love with for the past 4 four years.
"Do you want to through everything we had for the past 4 years away?" His question rang within my mind.
I didn't know.
I dozed off. I woke up,
By than it was 4pm.
My body ached. He was waking up. I held his hand. Got up to get water. We didn't speak. Nothing needed to be said. It had been said. We were frozen within that moment. That time.
He held me. I held his hand.
He put on our comedy show we used to watch every, Sunday. We had an hour of humor. I nuzzled into him. He smelled of last nights vodka. I didn't care. It was his smell, in that moment. I loved him again.
I closed my eyes, I pictured a baby. I hated him. We were supposed to have a baby together. We were planning on that. We were meant to start our lives over. Together. It wouldn't happen now.
I opened my eyes and held on to him. I loved him than. We made love.
Fell back asleep.
I was in and out of sleep. Hate and love were back and forth.
I got up to get water.
By than it was 7pm.
I made us food. We both felt the same. Hung over, exhausted, sick with honesty and pain. Not knowint what would come next if it even would. Scared of hurting one another, and unable to break free of each other.
Neither one of us could eat. The food stood untouched on my night table beside my bed. I held him. I robbed his back.
I wanted him to feel my love, and the pain it would cause him to loose it. I made love to him. I kissed his every inch. With love and care, that was battling the hate deep inside me. I kissed his closed eyes, his nose his lips. I made love to him, the way I had never done before. I let go. I let emotions rule me. I didn't cry after.
After I thought about how I made love to him. I made him shudder, I held him. This was my revenge. I would take away the love.
We fell back asleep.
We woke up, by than it was midnight,
I love him still. "Do you want to through away, everything we had for the past 4 years?" The question rang in my mind like an alarm without warning. It twisted my inside out, until the answer was clear.
No I didn't,
no I do not………
I still don't know.