Well that s about it was with Melanie and me .
I was kind of furious with myself for letting her get to me. But I haven't told you this other thing yet .
Look -I had; Right ?.And Ill admit that I wasn't too proud of it either. I mean the first one I told was Lar.
He was almost stupefied at first, but he was cool at the same time. And the strange thing he asked me was;
- What was your first feeling after it.. Was it more that jerking off Or was it the thing itself - the act - of doing it.?
That was exactly it. I wasn't sure which way to feel.
I mean immediately after it, I wanted to go to confession and all that the following day. I didn't .- just said some prayers and vowed never to do it again till I was married. But two nights later I met her again and I was off again. And then more pledges and I kept meeting her -more sinning till the end of the summer.
And all the time I was trying to make a sort of deal with God like Augustine .. Lord make me purer in spirit .. but not just yet..
I didn't know when the 'yet 'would be up. I suppose after I stopped getting lucky.
Anyway at the end of the summer she disappeared so that was my 'yet' .
Not so noble I suppose. I wondered when Augustine felt his 'yet' had come and how ..
In my case it was simply that I ran out of opportunity.
So no.! No God would think that very noble, but an angry God would just decide you were stubborn and then you were dammed all the more, on the double - I Mean Lust and Pride .
We were just playing pool in the casino under the duke box.
There was this girl there and she was kind of looking over every so often.- a bit like an inquisitive horse and they way hang their heads through gap in a fence looking out at the passing cars- ; I mean she was no beauty ; she was neither ugly or plain; It was hard to decide.
Her make up was all a blob on her face; like you got two tubes of placticine and mixed them together and just smeared the whole face.;
I remember this because twice I had to act as a girl in our all boys school operettas ---and that's how we often looked after putting on our own make up , before they got some of the mothers into do the job , rather than disgrace the school
There was a small guy in our group with a Spanish look about him- he was also a girl and he had these lovely legs - all dark and tanned like a real girl and he used to slowly lift up his dress right up to the crotch and I know a lot of the guys used to get hard just looking at him. He had such a lovely soft brown belly , it was apity he wasn't a real girl.
I mean she hadn't even got the out line of her lips right or maybe it was her way of giving her bigger lips because big lips were all fashionable.
She had lipstick, where there was no lip; if you get me. A bit like the way clowns put on their faces in the circus.
I was kidding with Lar that she was giving me the eye and I could pick her up
I'll never forget the song on the duke box - My Boy Lollipop by a Jamaican girl called Millie Small..;What a stupid song .
'My boy lollipop; he makes my heart go giddy up ; he sets my heart on fire ; he is my one desire'…and so on - in this Jamaican accent . And they were playing the dam thing over and over again.
But there was something careless or stupid about the way she kept looking over. She didn't seem to mind me noticing. She was hiding it from her friend. A bit like the way a dog looks sideways at you as he slinks away having eaten your dinner.
But at the last minute he balked; like I knew he would
- . Why ! I don't need her ... I'm not that hard up' -
Seriously, Lar was so horny he would get up on a cracked plate.
But the big problem was this awful stutter he got .
He was a gifted mimic and he could take off the teachers in front of a live classroom for a half hour, easy - but when it came to this, his nerves - I suppose, got to him.
He used too write short stories of sex scenes he'd imagined, so that he could read them back to himself slowly a few times before having a really explosive jerk off.
I tried it too but never finished one story. Not one.
He never showed me these - just set the scene and boy were they horny and imaginative. Really horny.
The other thing that always confused Lar was about Heaven . He used to say he just couldn't imagine Heaven being anything except one long orgasm - for eternity; Either it was that way - or there was none .No Heaven . He couldn't see any better form of happiness. I thought about this quite a lot and it was an argument I tried, but always found impossible to argue against.
You must admit, even now, he had a point.
I got this line into my head when I went over to her, real suave.
- Hi !..
I said all debonair like Bond or Elvis or maybe James Dean..
I have to say it was one of the stupidest lines ever I came up with. But she just kind of inclined her head and smiled, then looked at her friend The friend shrugged and giggled in a kind of retarded way.
- I wants to hear this song - she said and turned back to the jukebox and started looking for another sixpence to play it again.
- It's a lovely night for a walk
- - What ..?
- A walk ..!
- What ..?
-A walk on the prom…. It's a lovely night for a walk on the prom.
- I wants to hear this record
That word ' wants ' gave her away. Then the friend said in an accent
I was going to say something to her but lollipop girl had taken her sixpence out of the jukebox.
I knew suddenly it was beginning to happen.
-What age are you anyway -her friend said.
-Why don't you go over there and talk to Lar - I said
-Why don't he come over here.
-. Look he's over there..all alone. I said
-Why don't he come over
- Well he's Italian. You don't speak Italian I suppose. ..
It was a crazy line I know and she gave me one of those looks that say; ! look you've amazed and shocked me or you're crazy looks.. It was a routine girls used when they were confused. If I could just get rid of her for a few more seconds,
- Just talk slowly - he'll understand-
- His mother was hoping he'll go for the priests, and become a bishop, but he's very shy with girls.
- Why's he got red hair so .!
- Oh .. The mothers side .. You know how these Italians intermarry.
But I was going for broke here, so turning to lollipop girl I said
- Well isn't it very smoky in here.. -I said it straight into that mouth and already I could feel my pants billowing out like a tent at the prospect. So I gave it my best .
- -Its such a lovely night for a stroll..- Why not.??
She stood there for a moment, and her tongue went slobbering all over the lipstick She was looking around.
This I knew to be a god sign. She wanted to see who was watching .I mean maybe I forgot to say she must have been about 18 or even 20. She just shrugged her shoulders and started walking out of the casino. At first I thought she was walking away from me when she turned back as if she was waiting to be led in from the fields the way cows do in the country when the farmer is closing the gate and by God I hurried out after her.