Monday August 10th 2009
I want so much. What, am I some sort of freak for liking him? He hasn't texted back tonight. I am not knowing what to think or believe or believe. I wish I could see the future. I wish my life were different. I struggle to move on. Am I the only me? Am I the only one who thinks the way I do? I scare myself to death. I fear my dreams and I fear life with uncertainty. I have nothing to turn to with my my thoughts. I wish things were sweeter. I try to know, but I don't know. I try to hide, but my thoughts tear my mind and stomach. I don't know. I fear death, but why do I want to bring it upon myself? Is it my fault I'm this? This pathetic boy with nothing to lean on. I don't have the strength. I drain so easily. Where does the good stop and the the bad begin? Why can't my life waste away faster? I hate this world. Why should I move on? Am I useful to anyone? I don't sense a stronger being. I can't find strength in God or myself. I search so thoroughly for nothing. I want to free my suffering soul and release my tears. I can't go on. I feel I'm dropping. Leave me alone devil. Lord set me free. I need something and I fear death is it. There's no love in this heart. There's just useless me.
I had spent a week and than some out in California and Las Vegas. I had a blast with my brother and sister in law but of course I had been talking with Brandon this whole time out there. I was "in love" with him for reasons I don't know if anyone ever understands. They treat you right talk to you and chit chat about all the things you could ever imagine. However I believe I had more of an obsession than an actual love. I was falling on Brandon because I was not personally stable. This also lead to the no chance for a relationship. There were more childish things at stake that caused problems.
I have always been told two things being the youngest child. We are whiny because were spoiled and that makes us really annoying. This is really true reading this journal. For once i must of been having some real issues. From the point I wrote that "fake" suicide note to this journal I had been excessively going south in the area of being ok with myself. It left many short concise sentences that were really whiny and self centered. Very depressed and unsure of what I wanted to do from coming out to the next thing I was a loss.
An actor and dramatizer or someone who could easily be seen as a liar and a person who was just seeking attention, these were all things that I have heard being the youngest child. However I can unfortunately assure you in this journal that I was dead serious about wanting to be dead. I felt it and I wrote it down as best I could. I bottled my feelings and they can only be tapped into if you read these journals. Luckily I was created with a fear of death and at that a strong fear of it. Therefore I was able to live on. That reason among many others.
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