Monday August 10th
I want so
much. What, am I some sort of freak for liking him? He hasn't
texted back tonight. I am not knowing what to think or believe or
believe. I wish I could see the future. I wish my life were
different. I struggle to move on. Am I the only me? Am I the only
one who thinks the way I do? I scare myself to death. I fear my
dreams and I fear life with uncertainty. I have nothing to turn
to with my my thoughts. I wish things were sweeter. I try to
know, but I don't know. I try to hide, but my thoughts tear my
mind and stomach. I don't know. I fear death, but why do I want
to bring it upon myself? Is it my fault I'm this? This pathetic
boy with nothing to lean on. I don't have the strength. I drain
so easily. Where does the good stop and the the bad begin? Why
can't my life waste away faster? I hate this world. Why should I
move on? Am I useful to anyone? I don't sense a stronger being. I
can't find strength in God or myself. I search so thoroughly for
nothing. I want to free my suffering soul and release my tears. I
can't go on. I feel I'm dropping. Leave me alone devil. Lord set
me free. I need something and I fear death is it. There's no love
in this heart. There's just useless me.
I had spent
a week and than some out in California and Las Vegas. I had a
blast with my brother and sister in law but of course I had been
talking with Brandon this whole time out there. I was "in love"
with him for reasons I don't know if anyone ever understands.
They treat you right talk to you and chit chat about all the
things you could ever imagine. However I believe I had more of an
obsession than an actual love. I was falling on Brandon because I
was not personally stable. This also lead to the no chance for a
relationship. There were more childish things at stake that
always been told two things being the youngest child. We are
whiny because were spoiled and that makes us really annoying.
This is really true reading this journal. For once i must of been
having some real issues. From the point I wrote that "fake"
suicide note to this journal I had been excessively going south
in the area of being ok with myself. It left many short concise
sentences that were really whiny and self centered. Very
depressed and unsure of what I wanted to do from coming out to
the next thing I was a loss.
An actor and
dramatizer or someone who could easily be seen as a liar and a
person who was just seeking attention, these were all things that
I have heard being the youngest child. However I can
unfortunately assure you in this journal that I was dead serious
about wanting to be dead. I felt it and I wrote it down as best I
could. I bottled my feelings and they can only be tapped into if
you read these journals. Luckily I was created with a fear of
death and at that a strong fear of it. Therefore I was able to
live on. That reason among many others.
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