Saturday July 25th
Acceptance is the best word I could of found in the
thesaurus. I am feeling 50% better about myself and at some
points 100% better.
I don't think my brother or mom know I am gay, but I'm
waiting for the first person to just ask and I can't wait to say
yes I am gay. There is a possibility I'm bi because I was
attracted sexually to a female yesterday but lost all connection
when I took advantage on that thought.
I can't believe I will have to take the permit class if I
were to ever get my license. I think I will just continue to
avoid it because it can just be the shit that never was. I hate
fucking driving. I did have the urge to drive yesterday but it
fell away when I found out my permit expired.
I am nervous for the airport for when I go to visit my
brother and his wife. However, the good thing is I am getting a
Oh, that was a deal, whatever. I said thank you for
getting a cell and my brother said whatever. I didn't have the
patience to deal with it. I asked for sex from someone i
shouldn't of asked it from. I am glad he said no because I was
disrespecting him being straight as well as having a girlfriend.
I apologized to him for being so fucked up.
I cleaned my room this weekend. I think I OCD'ed on it. I
even dusted. I need to mop and fold clothes. I also wrote a play
called Brother in The Closet. I think it is funny as well as
I have this annoying pimple that I want to go away. It
bleeds and it's ugly.
I want to accept who I am fully tomorrow. With no doubt I
want to say I'm gay. I can't wait till my family starts finding
out. The one argument I like is that it is science proved.
Granted its science, but it is about time science proves the
bible wrong and I really hope it does.
I filled my first journal. How oober fabulous I guess.
lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol
The first thing I had to do on the way out of the closet
was to convince myself I was gay and that there was no chance of
me ever fooling the world I was straight. I was having some major
acceptance issues even though this was a positive journal. I
asked someone I never should of asked to have sex with me and the
reason I did that was because I still felt I was in the wrong for
being sexually attracted to guys instead of girls. It didn't
matter what I did because I felt I was in the wrong already
because of the bible and the social taboo it has.
Speaking of the idea that I was bisexual I was not
sexually attracted to that girl I saw. I was more or less trying
to give myself false hope of being interested in her. My most
interesting theory on my homosexuality was I was gay because I
had failed so many times with girls I had just switched my
preference to guys. This thought always had me worried and to
some extent still makes me worry that I would get into bad
relationships with guys and than that would cause my preference
to change again. However I am willing to accept whatever
experiences come my way.
I never understood my fear of driving or my fear of lines
at the airport. I don't know why they randomly pop up when I am
talking about homosexuality but it is nice to break from the
homosexual factor and realize I have normal oddities as well as
weird ones. I figure were all full of quirks and I am willing to
share these quirks with people so we all connect a little better.
This journal contains the randomness that signifies a
major change in my life. I can always tell things are changing
with me when I begin to write a lot in my journal. Even more so
when I babble. PIMPLE! OCD! FUCK! HOMO! INDIVIDUALIZE YOUR
EXPERIENCE! BIBLE! RELIGION!
It was nice to finally finish a journal and move onto
another one that needed to be finished up. Journals get tattered
and old looking. Sometimes I loose important pages in my life
which makes me sad. I guess not every thought needs to be shared
but it is nice to fill a line, page, entry, or an entire journal.