Saturday July 25th
Acceptance is the best word I could of found in the thesaurus. I am feeling 50% better about myself and at some points 100% better.
I don't think my brother or mom know I am gay, but I'm waiting for the first person to just ask and I can't wait to say yes I am gay. There is a possibility I'm bi because I was attracted sexually to a female yesterday but lost all connection when I took advantage on that thought.
I can't believe I will have to take the permit class if I were to ever get my license. I think I will just continue to avoid it because it can just be the shit that never was. I hate fucking driving. I did have the urge to drive yesterday but it fell away when I found out my permit expired.
I am nervous for the airport for when I go to visit my brother and his wife. However, the good thing is I am getting a cell phone.
Oh, that was a deal, whatever. I said thank you for getting a cell and my brother said whatever. I didn't have the patience to deal with it. I asked for sex from someone i shouldn't of asked it from. I am glad he said no because I was disrespecting him being straight as well as having a girlfriend. I apologized to him for being so fucked up.
I cleaned my room this weekend. I think I OCD'ed on it. I even dusted. I need to mop and fold clothes. I also wrote a play called Brother in The Closet. I think it is funny as well as emotionally provoking.
I have this annoying pimple that I want to go away. It bleeds and it's ugly.
I want to accept who I am fully tomorrow. With no doubt I want to say I'm gay. I can't wait till my family starts finding out. The one argument I like is that it is science proved. Granted its science, but it is about time science proves the bible wrong and I really hope it does.
I filled my first journal. How oober fabulous I guess. lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol
The first thing I had to do on the way out of the closet was to convince myself I was gay and that there was no chance of me ever fooling the world I was straight. I was having some major acceptance issues even though this was a positive journal. I asked someone I never should of asked to have sex with me and the reason I did that was because I still felt I was in the wrong for being sexually attracted to guys instead of girls. It didn't matter what I did because I felt I was in the wrong already because of the bible and the social taboo it has.
Speaking of the idea that I was bisexual I was not sexually attracted to that girl I saw. I was more or less trying to give myself false hope of being interested in her. My most interesting theory on my homosexuality was I was gay because I had failed so many times with girls I had just switched my preference to guys. This thought always had me worried and to some extent still makes me worry that I would get into bad relationships with guys and than that would cause my preference to change again. However I am willing to accept whatever experiences come my way.
I never understood my fear of driving or my fear of lines at the airport. I don't know why they randomly pop up when I am talking about homosexuality but it is nice to break from the homosexual factor and realize I have normal oddities as well as weird ones. I figure were all full of quirks and I am willing to share these quirks with people so we all connect a little better.
This journal contains the randomness that signifies a major change in my life. I can always tell things are changing with me when I begin to write a lot in my journal. Even more so when I babble. PIMPLE! OCD! FUCK! HOMO! INDIVIDUALIZE YOUR EXPERIENCE! BIBLE! RELIGION!
It was nice to finally finish a journal and move onto another one that needed to be finished up. Journals get tattered and old looking. Sometimes I loose important pages in my life which makes me sad. I guess not every thought needs to be shared but it is nice to fill a line, page, entry, or an entire journal.