Friday July 17 2009
This being gay and coming out shit has really messed with my sleeping. I can't fall asleep. So I eat Air Heads. Air Heads are the shit.
I met with Brittany to talk about a play I wrote. Instead of talking about that, we talked about sex and how weird our obsessions are. Her life is really weird. I thought I was odd because of this being gay shit. She controls her men! That is sadistic! Where is the freedom they deserve? She says I'm hot and she liked touching me. She made me uncomfortable, but she said I could change my mind. Like being gay was a choice.
Who knows, maybe I am lying to myself, but I haven't been sexually satisfied thinking about a girl since I was in grade school. Grades 5-7 that is. Then it was just a curiosity. I think my true sexuality is homosexual and I'm ok with it.
I just don't know what to expect from the rest of the world. They make me nervous. The main ones being my family. The Ironic thing about the beliefs they taught me are they haven't changed. Instead, they have changed forms to make me happy. My life should become easier now that I am coming out. Finally it doesn't strike me as odd or wrong that I'm gay. I have my argument because I finally know what first hand experience is like. I feel lucky that I can speak from a gay's perspective. I was reading the Thesaurus last night so I could fall asleep. I came across the word accepted - welcome, acquire, obtain, stride, endure, capitulate, stand for, swallow, confirm, the green light, endorsed, believed in, normal, standard. These are all positive words that allow me to be strong in myself.
Accepting the fact that homosexuality isn't accepted from my families beliefs is the only way I can come to fight the difference. My friends have been super supportive. I love giving myself credit and responsibility.
Sometimes I don't realize how funny I am until I read my journal a second time. My first paragraph in this journal reiterates that idea. I love Air Heads so much that I eat them to hide behind the disaster I feel when I think about I am a homosexual. It is sometimes hard to see sarcasm in writing but really when I wrote this journal that is exactly what I was doing. I was literally using the amazing taste of sugar and high fructose corn syrup to mask a 5 year old hate of myself. That's a type of creativity you'll never find in a fantasy book. Cough, Harry Potter...
Other anecdotes that make my life more of a reality instead of a fantasy would be my second paragraph. I am now good friends with her and keep in touch with her to chit chat and mainly to work on her novel. I am reviewing it when I am not on MySpace writing. She is weird like me and when she said I could change my sexuality I started having a miniature melt down and moments of self doubt. That is why I went on to defend myself and re convince my self I was gay in the paragraph following it.
The thesaurus is very resourceful because I do like to write and sometimes it is a pain in the glutius maximus when you can't quite find the right word. However on this night I found the right word which happened to be a motivational collaboration of letters. A-C-C-E-P-T-E-D