Monday July 27 12:10? Tuesday July
I hope I get to know Brandon
McNitric so we can date. You know what they say about sleep. Do it
when your dead. I almost skipped journaling. I have a new phone, a
new friend, I'm going to ....California..... I'm still nervous for
the airport. I don't think he will ever ask me out though. He is to
into how people look. He's only interested because of that one good
pic on a social networking site. I'm so tired.
I hope the airport stuff goes well.
I guess I'll get through. I have to many people depending on me. My
stomach gets upset. I'm glad I have ....Brandon.... to keep my mind
off the airport.
He seems so preppy, I kind of like
it. I don't know if I could stand his friends. They seem fake, well
here my stomach goes again.
I hope I can control my nerves
tomorrow. If I go in with confidence I will do fine. That's
comforting. I'll leave it at that. I have confidence in sunshine. I
have confidence in rain. I have confidence that spring will come
again. That's one of the songs I sang when I was depressed and
didn't want to go to school.
I hope I can conquer my tendency to
be negative. I'm a little horny right now. we were sending pics
back and forth. It was hot. I want a man that is hyper and not
afraid of anything. Someone who takes life by the moment and
doesn't think ahead. Someone who just does. A wild and free boy. I
hope ....Brandon.... can fill my dreams. That type of man would
complete me by filling in everything I don't have.
I like how I use to restrain my
writing but now I just write like it was second nature. I once
wanted to hide from myself with journaling, but now I want to break
free from all restraints. Maybe I'm going through a quantum
personality change. It is my goal from now on to be content in a
balance between good and evil. How else is there to live?
I don't think I would be able to
sleep right now. I'm to worried about the plane ride and to
energized from talking to Brandon. (He's texting me again) He said
he couldn't sleep. I hope he asks me out. I already asked him but
he wanted to get to know me more. I told him he should ask me if he
ever becomes interested. That text buzz makes me smile. I've got
the hots for him.
1:10 I hope I didn't drop the
1:30 well come to find out he is a
druggie and I return to the state of being nervous, well, maybe not
nervous for the plane ride. Just driftlessly not caring about shit.
This is a perfect example of lives ups and downs.
I was excited to meet with a brand
new guy. I guess all he does is drugs. Weed on and off and lots of
alcohol. The only explanation for tonight's behavior is alcohol. He
passed out. He holds it well. It wouldn't surprise me if that is
what he was doing tonight.
I wouldn't be surprised if were part
of a smaller statistic. A non religious non drug doing no longer
depressed homosexual. It is what it is. Sigh.
Brandon was the second guy I had crushed on. I am pretty
immature when it comes to dating. I fall hard fast and have no idea
how a relationship is "suppose" to work. I am thinking that I am
not the only one considering all the songs about love gone wrong.
This one, no offense to Brandon, was a catastrophe waiting to
happen. The words fate and irony come to my mind every time I think
to the whole situation.
Fate comes to mind because I'm a
sniveling drug hater who cringes even at the idea of a drop of
alcohol. Though I am getting better with this problem drugs pissed
me off. Dating someone who was a druggie basically meant to me that
the relationship wasn't going to work out no matter how hard the
other person tried. I was going to focus on the drugs and the
uselessness and stupidity of using drugs. Why do I have such an
anti drug personality?
No one says I should let go of the
fact that my dad committed suicide because he was an alcoholic. No
one ever made fun of my dad being dead on purpose. I never really
was effected by someone going jeesh I want to shoot myself. I guess
I was just never comfortable talking about or being around alcohol.
So when on the first night of talking to this guy who e mailed me
soon after I posted a fine looking pic on facebook I found out he
was on drugs. I sort of popped. I never let it go and that among
other things ended the relationship chances.
The irony will come later.