Sunday Oct 7th
We were invited to
go to church today. Mom of course said yes and "invited" me to
go. The thing is, I have to go. I didn't have a choice and I
didn't try to fight it. But, why should I have to waste a half a
day doing nothing. Technically were suppose to rest on today. But
at the same time we get up, eat breakfast, take a shower, go to
church, stand up, sit down, stand up, sit down, sing, and
I've prayed to god
for a year now to quit a sin, but yet I've only had minor "above'
help. In the past when I prayed I got one or two things that I
wanted. Like one time I was able to go north to Grandma's even
though mom said I couldn't go. Her class got canceled and that
was the reasoning I was able to go north.
I believe in God and
his son Jesus, but the bible is hypocritical. It tells you to
treat aliens nice but then it says don't pray to other religions.
It says we must spread our religion to others. That means it's
telling us to be imperialistic and dominate others by spreading
ideas and laws.
Well, then society
of course fights to dominate lands that are "holy". This causes
war because people begin to believe what they worship so
I personally would
like to read other bibles to become stronger in God. I think
every religion has bits and pieces correct and reading all of
them will allow me to obtain everlasting life.
Then communion, we
are not suppose drink communion at a catholic church, but were
suppose to accept others with open arms. I hate communion because
its nerve racking when you go to new churches.
Besides that the
last time we attended a church in this town no one in the
congregation said hi, or who are you, or where are you from.
There were several people I knew from school who didn't say
anything to me. This makes me glad. Great, now I'm being
hypocritical. If they had been sociable maybe we would have
stayed there and gone there more often.
And funnier this
year everyone at school wants me to go to Christ the Lord church
because it's so wonderful. They want me to go to youth group, but
they should have been more welcoming when they had the
Everyone has the
best church and Religion. I hate it. Religion is here to keep a
flow of cycles linking to make a pattern that I hate and my
grandma loves. Religion, it's good and bad. I believe in some of
it to be safe rather than sorry. If the part that says if you
believe that god sent his 1 and only son to save the earth is
true, I'm going to heaven.
Here I have done
something completely rude and irreversible. This is the part when
I started to tweak with the belief system to fit me. It is
something we all do. We want the bible and our religion to work
for our benefits and our lifestyles. So you know what, I will go
to the extreme to make sure this "sin" of gayness is absolutely
accepted. I didn't want to go to hell. I wanted eternal life when
I died. If this meant tweaking things so be it.
I do want to
apologize though. Christ the Lord church was very large and it
was nearly impossible for anyone to recognize a new member to its
church. I attacked this church because I was annoyed by all
tactics religion was forcing upon my lifestyle which I had not
yet come to admit. So youth group or any link to religion became
my enemy and annoyance.
I also want to
apologize for completely shutting down a harmless invite to a
church. I mean, we were church hunting. At the same time I wanted
to avoid the anxiousness and heart wrenching feeling I got every
time I had to be near anyone in any way. I feared people because
I hated when anyone brought up anything dealing with
relationships, love, or anything to do with lifestyle. Church was
a mating grounds for this type of talk as well as emotional songs
like amazing grace. I once was lost and sometimes still think I
am waiting to yet be found.
I've come to accept
that by now but how extreme can a dislike for religion and morals
go when it seems the religious world hates the queerness entity.
In my case of extremes I mildly regret going further to share.