March 7 2007 Wednesday
I asked Tina out today, but she rejected me. I know what it feels like to be rejected, it happens to me most of the time and it bothers me.
I am tired tonight and am not looking forward to finals tomorrow because I have to put up with this chick I dislike.
Gym is going to suck this tri probably. It is because I am gay, but I hope to get out of this stage. I like boys at my school and many of them are hot. But these thoughts are wrong because the bible says so. Even though, my main fear is getting a boner during swimming I can handle all the other crap that goes with this but not getting an erection in the showers.
I pray so much to change but nothing seems to come of it. So I try not to whack off or check out guys but it doesn't help. And to add on to it Tina rejected me. So that makes me want to check out guys all the more.
To change subjects I want to go home. I want to be home but I’m trapped here and not happy at all. I wanted mom to be happy so I said lets move plus I hated my previous schools teachers. It was a horrible choice.
Lord please help me and forgive me. Only you can help me. Only you can keep me from doing harm to myself. I'm tired of this I want to write, cook, clean, sew, put together puzzles, be sensitive, but I don't want to be gay. It’s not right to be gay. I don't care if I'm in a ------------
I hope to win a short story contest. A prize of 5,000 dollars for college and a successful life would be great. A life with my -------- kids with a wife. A wife who is beautiful and a wife I can please. These are my dreams, I must change. Now! I must change before my condition worsens.
-------------- = My stupidity.
---------------= My insanity
------------- = My failure to accept myself due to social pressures.
----------- = Information I could not bare to handle and crossed out.
I can't read what I wrote under the graphite that scribbles over my words. So this is the most I could read in this journal. I filled in some parts I felt I knew pretty well. This Journal entry is very key to me so it would make sense that I further elaborate on it.
It is pretty clear that I come across a confrontation between what is expected of me and what is me. Me being homosexual was the thing I did not want to accept. That is clear when I ask a girl out even though I know I am attracted to men.
The bible was the most intimidating factor in my life in this time because it clearly described how I was created to go forth and multiply. I could not physically arouse my self to do this and became obsessed over the words in Leviticus. When I read on the subject of being gay it was clear to me I was in the wrong. I was such a religious person and a strong believer in prayer and the Lord clearly stated that being homosexual was not a proper lifestyle. This internal meltdown would occur for another three years because of the stresses in my life.
As for other pains in the ass I had moved from a forty acre yard to a little cubicle of an apartment. This is why I had felt trapped. The apartment secluded and crushed more than just my ability to move about. It prevented me from my natural tendency to just completely freak out. So instead of being able to go out in the woods and scream or walk around, I had to bring on this self hate for myself hence being depressed and suicidal.
Though the topics aren’t funny, I find this journal entry comical because even when I tried to avoid dealing with homosexuality the writing flexes back to me being gay and fighting with the religious factor. This inner war with me was completely inevitable. The consequences were mentally devastating as I continued to play hide and go seek with myself in the closet.