Thursday March 8th 2007
I have to go it alone tomorrow. Go to gym. I don't want to go. I can name all the possible problems. I don't believe any good will come of this at all. There's no one down here that can help me or to support me. I don't mind other classes but Gym is different. You have to get naked in front of other guys. What if I get whatever and besides that I suck at sports. I have no talents in that department.
Lord I'm scared because I'm alone. I want to change now! I want this to cease now. I need help. Please I'm begging and pleading for help. Someone please help me.
My mom has come home. Every time I begin to break she arrives so I can't relax and let it all go. I must suffer; maybe this is punishment for my sins. God gives me comfort in many ways I can not explain. I ask for logical things and he gives them to me. When I ask not to be this way he still hasn't helped even when I take small steps to get away from it I still do not get help. I thank him when I do get improvement, but then it starts again. I need the Lord's help to free me from this sin I commit over and over again.
This portion of my life while I was in the apartment was extremely selfish and self centered. Can you really blame me? The queer thing sucks and I couldn't face it because of this religious obstacle I was just beginning to cope with. Not to mention crossing out any word that might give away my homo identity.
Come on! Everyday I hear its wrong on moral levels and as my family discusses its wrongness at holiday meals I feel rather uncomfortable and awkward. I believed it was the worst thing in the world that I was gay. I should die and go to hell because I was gay. I Thought I should change my natural sexual attraction to guys. But at this time my growing up made it nearly impossible to overcome that brick wall which said Leviticus on it.
Can't you see I was dependent on God and not myself for moving things forward? I had one hell of a situation and I still have one hell of a situation but God damn it I'm going to deal with it, but you must understand the difficulties. "When I ask not to be this way I still do not get help", this should have been my biggest most motivating sign, but instead it was my largest fault which lead me to more struggle.