Monday July 13th
I wrote a long suicide note I still haven't gained the strength
to actually slit my wrists. How painful would that be?
So here I am
taking on another invigorating day. Is it weird that I trace
porno and masturbate? I guess I'm weird and shouldn't bring these
types of things up.
start our end of the year trip with my college prep program. I am
excited except, I don't know how I will react when I see Paul. It
will be awkward considering I asked him out.
less depressed now that I'm ok with myself being gay. I don't
care if someone kills me because of it or tells me it's a sin or
its dirty, because, sex is gross no matter what. My experience
with my hand tells me sex feels good. It is pleasurable and
I need more
to keep my mind busy. This trip is only a week long so when it is
done I think I will read a lot and spend lots of time here
writing and rambling about how shitty life is.
today was pretty typical, mom felt she accomplished a lot when in
truth nothing got finished. The house is not finished being
painted. The garden needs to be weeded. The house is dirty and
the list goes on.
I went on a
walk around the river and chuckled because there were so many
people eating fast food while looking at the river. Is it
peaceful to stuff your face at noon while looking at the river? I
guess so because there were at least twenty people doing
spent most my time tracing and coloring porn. When mom left I
went online and printed some more gay guys doing it. I'm going to
get caught white handed one of these days. My argument is that
not only is it natural, but it is perfectly legal at my
fajitas tonight and as expected the veggies weren't cooked all
I want to
look better so I'm going to loose five pounds. I have extra skin
even from that little time I was over weight.
really want to go to bed because it's hot and I was up till 12:00
last night and slept till 11:30 this morning. I love sleeping.
It's like I'm dead but less painful. Plus I love dreaming. I
really don't care what I dream about.
I can't wait
till I get out of this house. It seems every time I talk or
sometimes if I move I'm instantly scolded or treated like an
idiot. This is why its nice to go to college in the summer. They
are so supportive and encouraging no matter what. The people in
this program are my friends, family, and home. When I am around
them I am relatively happy unless I am beating myself up over
being gay or something else I dislike about myself.
extremely pessimistic person on the inside, but I like to show
the outside I am optimistic. It's weird.
I guess I do
have one thing going for me. I am counseling people online and
instead of regretting going on like I had my first month and a
half of volunteering I now look forward to helping someone. When
I read a really fucked up story I can avoid that sick feeling in
my stomach I get when dealing with my own life. That sick feeling
comes and goes throughout the day.
when mom came home and bitched because I used to much toilet
paper, I got so sick I wanted to kill myself again. When mom
complains or someone makes me feel stupid or makes fun of me
seriously I want to curl up cry and die.
because I can't cry anymore and I don't have the balls to slit my
wrists. I guess that is good because maybe I'll help someone some
day. I guess I really need to control those feelings. Sometimes I
just try to accept them.
accepting my homosexuality will give me the content feeling I
seek. Right now I feel very content. I could take on the world.
So if I not only accept the fact that I'm gay and accept when I'm
angry, sad, happy, overwhelmed, or whatever, I will be able to
stay content and handle the situation at hand.
I'm kinda in
and out on how I feel. I am totally there some times and totally
ignorant the majority of the others. There are a lot of things I
won't understand about other people. After all I haven't
experienced everything. There's a lot of people who don't
experience homosexuality and when they come to me some day and
tell me with anger I'm wrong, I can say I wouldn't expect you to
understand. Just as I don't expect to understand the client that
comes to m e asking how she can quit drugs, have a baby, stop
slitting her wrists, and solve her friend's death. I've never had
a baby, had sex, done drugs, or had a friend die. You just need
to brain storm and trouble shoot.
there is one, only knows what the hell may come my way. I'd like
to say I've done it all but there is just to much to learn. How
can I be a shrink without life experience? I feel I need first
hand accounts on getting in trouble and getting through. I can't
say alcohol is bad, but I've seen people drunk and I've had
people die. I just don't want to find out what type of road I'll
be on if I ever experimented with alcohol.
originally wanted to complete this journal book but I guess that
will have to be another day. Another day.
the edge by not being sure of yourself as well as believing you
are some sort of superhuman causes the many things presented in
this journal to occur. The randomness, incoherent thoughts,
suicide notations, blunt honesty in a non caring fashion to how
others may view it, and this writing that seems to be talking to
not just myself, but to a larger audience, are all prevalent.
example of randomness as well as an incoherent thought is
presented when in one paragraph it ends with the legality of
watching porn and the next paragraph discusses the eating of
Of course I
was dead serious about killing myself and how I wanted to do it
but wasn't brave enough to. Really it must be painful and scary
to slit your wrists let a lone pointless to the outside world who
has never experienced my life.
honesty is my greatest and worst gift in many cases. I entered a
period of absolute honesty to myself where no thought was to
wrong to think. However there are some thoughts that could not be
posted publicly because they would get me into more trouble with
the wonderful public that reads these journals. Quote: Is it
weird that I masturbate and trace porn. Really, who writes this
is clear this was a freedom of thought journal it is also
understandable I was just aimlessly ranting to myself to get
somewhere. That somewhere being the end of the journal. However
if you look again and reinterpret its meaning not only did I,
discover more about the world and myself, the reader can discover
something as well. Though the content in this journal was
originally written for self discovery, it is the miracle of human
diversity that truly allows any experience to be read from an
individuals point of view.
I wanted to
be a shrink at this point in life and had found an online
counseling site that I volunteered on. Should it be disturbing
that those who want to help the most stereotypically need help
the most? That's a comical rhetorical question.