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Journal 2 Lying to Myself

Short story By: frog
Memoir



I tried for the longest time to lie to myself about my sexuality.


Submitted:Mar 15, 2010    Reads: 125    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


Thursday 11th 2007
It should be Friday night, but it isn't till tomorrow. My mom kicked me off the computer tonight before she went to bed, yet she let me on it while she was gone into town. I was talking to Gloria, the love of my life. I still feel I have a good chance with her in the future. She isn't ready for dating again yet though. Depression has a great effect on her and her background is bad also. Though, she came clean by not getting herself into much trouble, which is great.
We move from the apartment into my brother Fredericks new house tomorrow night after school. I am dreading it because my Grandma is going to be here which isn't all that bad. The thing I hate is she treats me like my cousin and as if I am a no good rotten person.
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I laugh at my own ignorance to my situation at this point in my life. I had no intention on accepting being gay, understanding being queer, or coming out of the closet as a fagot. It was simply not going to happen because of very legitimate reasons.
The main reasoning was because I didn't understand why I lost my sexual attraction to girls and became very attracted to guys. Yes, I did once have an attraction to girls and according to some articles I've read it isn't that uncommon for perfectly straight guys to explore there sexuality at this very revealing time of puberty! Besides that I had many gender bending behaviors. For example painting nails is thrilling. I like the smell.
Though nail polish was a kinky good time, I threw out the idea of being sexually attracted to guys as impossible for someone like me. I felt I was still emotionally attached to Gloria who was my ex girlfriend. She was someone I had had a long distant relationship with. The emotional attachment to girls was very confusing to me so I went as far as to act even to myself that I was completely in love with several girls. I was no longer interested at all in their bodies, which was truly unfortunate for my chances at being what people call normal.




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