Saturday July 11th 2009
Please lord, if you still exist with me; give me the strength or some sign for me to continue my existence. I will be waiting as I write my good bye note, apologies, and will, approved by my own spirit and will to survive. What can I start with? I wanted to die ever since my first day of school in Hilberts. Hell, I've wanted to die even before that. Read my journals and you will see that I even hated Wiley. Before I write my life story and ramble on and on about meaningless nothings, I must apologize to the person who finds my body. I'm sorry for you and the mental suffering you may or may not bare upon your choosing. If you do not bare grief no apology from me is given to you for finding my dead body. Other apologies will be written later on in this.
My dad died when I was four and it never really bothered me until I realized there has never been a true male figure in my life. There was no one I could ever call father. No one to yell at, teach me swear words, other than my mom, or teach me the ropes of being a man. He left his son without a father, but I now understand why he left. He was sick of living with no one else to blame but himself. See, it was his fault that he died, not anyone else’s. Maybe he didn't get the support he needed when he most needed it. The world will never know. See, at least I will be nice enough to provide some reason as to why I personally do not want to live any longer.
So, number one is that I’m gay, totally homosexual. I want to have a relationship with a man. If this is a choice I really don't care because I just got rejected from the first male I asked out. I’m pretty sure I don't need to prove to you I’m gay, but look around in my room a little, you'll find proof. There is a real problem with being gay especially when you’re raised to believe it is a sin. The truth is I don't have any more emotional energy left to decide if it is right or wrong and I have come to the conclusion that suicide will relieve me of my responsibility to decide that on my own.
The second reason I want to kill myself is because I'm ugly and no one really wants to date an ugly weirdo like me especially when there is only 10 percent of the population who is available to me. I know it is a dumb reason, but I don't want to be ridiculed for doing some extreme surgery that according to the fly has caused some irreversible morally wrong change. So, therefore killing me is the only option out of my ugly predicament.
The third reason is because I’m cruel and abusive. I've beaten my cat senseless because she meows and shits everywhere. Mom put her in the humane society. For the lives that I will beat continually I pre apologize for my abusive tendencies and my pessimistic lifestyle. So, therefore my apology comes in the form of this lifeless body before you. I have murderous thoughts also, and also have sexual thoughts about my cousin which is really fucked up. So, therefore instead of spending money to fix my not so apparent problems, I choose to die.
Oh yes, and let me mention my uselessness on earth. I can't drive because it scares me and therefore I am incapable of living anyway so I should be dead. I am also useless because I refuse to value money and refuse to get a job. Who the fuck wants to work for our food when you can easily access it for free? Oh, that's right, I guess we become violent for power and the world would not work if money were to be gone. See, with money we live peacefully and because I hate the thing that makes society work so efficiently I should be killed because I'm anti human. Lol WTF.
So, now that you know the reasons that not only do I want to die but why I should die, I leave you with my will. I want my body to be burnt and thrown in the pond at the old house because it is only in this natural earth I feel content. I would like to have my organs used on people with conditions, but by the time they get to anyone it’s too late because of money power and sadness tin which Hollywood will have a field day with. Any inheritance that is money should be burned with my body because I've always wanted to jump in a pile of it and I figure this will be close enough. My dog Kiwi goes back to the teacher so mom does not have to deal with hair. My dresser goes to my aunt and uncle. My diamond willow goes to my aunt and uncle. My porn goes to my friend. My bed is my moms. My rocks and teddy bears go to my brother and his wife and their kid. Sorry about the stitches in the bears I was sexually curious which is another reason why I am killing myself tonight. My wallet goes to my brother. My cooler and grill go to grandma. Same with all my religious items. My shot glasses go to dad's grave. My clocks go to my aunt and uncle on dad's side. My frogs go in the lake and my clothes go to every continent on the globe to poor children. My books go to the librarian, my friend who encouraged me in hard times. And all the miscellaneous shit gets put on Jupiter where I am from in my heart.
Now the following is the most important thing I want if you refuse to do all the things I said previously. All I want is one thing, and that is to publish my writing. All of it. Even this. Now I know your really overwhelmed right now or maybe happy, or "god" if there is one knows what you’re feeling right now, but please read very closely the following. I take full responsibility for my death and it is your responsibility to move on as humans tend to do. I apologize I can no longer handle living and don't ask why or how, those questions will never be answered. I personally apologize to those who know me, please sign your name below.
This piece was written as I was just coming out of the closet and has obvious intentions of satire and sarcasm. Though this was written to only explore the curiosity of what I might write in a suicide note, the idea of killing had been frequently and seriously crossing my mind at this time.
One shouldn't be concerned about the content of this note or the ones that will be following it. One should be worried about what caused me to come to the point of thinking about ending my life. Once we can find the reasoning behind such disturbing behavior, it can be prevented and altered into more optimistic feelings.