Sunday August 23 2:40 am 2009
I force myself to write tonight because I know if I don't I will find myself really lost in my train of thoughts. I don't want to deal with some things in my life. For example, getting my license or getting my teeth extracted Monday. I don't want to stop talking to Brandon. I fear if I send him one more text he will be through with me. I know I will be temporarily through with him. I will look for some other boy I can fall for, but what a seemingly aimless venture.
I've done a lot of friend counseling lately. I don't know if its a good thing or bad, but I helped many of my close friends. Not everyone wants my advice however. At least I tried to help them.
Driving the stick today made me finicky as hell, but I also learned Brandon had learned to drive a manual!!! I found that attractive. Yet, I know it would be better if I impeded or ceased thinking of him.
I haven't focused on anything academic in 3 days. I've been completely wrapped up in writing and reading. It's ok, I enjoy these things. They keep my mind frolicking and ticking in a better direction. This way I avoid suicide. Yet again it's a miracle I'm not dead. I think it's a curiosity that keeps me going. Like my life is something much larger than what it really is. Either that or a miracle from God.
I love my ex girlfriend. I was really thrilled to talk to her online. She is getting married and has a kid on the way. She works way to fast for me. She told me after I said I was gay that she already found out. We both decided it was our two twin friends who truly got us together. I'm so glad I got to talk with her. We relate a lot and I'm so happy she found someone she loved. I admire her ambition and glow. I will always have that slight emotional connection within my heart to her.
I know it was stupid of me to cut off my mole tonight. It hurt and bled, but I hope it pays off. We didn't go to Cabelas today like I was hoping, but we did go to a field with Ben the black lab. That was fun. My brother and I discussed politics on a real easily flowing basis. It was nice because we got into the socialism and taxing the rich. Which I support. He unfortunately said he had been arguing just for the sake of arguing and I ended up driving the stick and pissing an old man off making myself a nervous mess and probably made my brother go nutty.
It seems to me my previous ideas about people not caring for you may be wrong. Why would my brother make me drive with no benefit but my own? Why was I so eager to refuse? Now I ask a more dangerous question: if I was wrong about my people truly not caring theory, is my sexual orientation really irreversible or is it truly possible to change it? These questions need to be dealt with. And I need to publish my in order for someone to change their life for the better and truly find a place to be content.
Obviously my mind was still fixated on Brandon at this point. It is apparent my mind was sifting through many questions at this point. My mind always runs hypothetical situations and draws strange parallels between ideas. The ideas presented in this specific journal are astonishing even to myself because believe it or not I do have some what of a normal life. I go to school, I eat, I practice piano, and though I participate in very limited extracurricular activities, I have always had a rich inner life.
The first thing I want to reflect on is my reasoning behind living. I actually had to come up with reasons to live. When you are at your lowest point in life and are attempting to rebuild your life from what I would call scratch, you have a tendency to make weird statements and strange reasoning behind living. Quite fortunately as well as frankly these reasons make sense to me. My main reasoning for living was so I could share my story and help change people’s view point on homosexuality. It just hit me as I read this journal why I am posting all these journals on myspace. In order for someone to change their life for the better and truly be content they need to expose their selves to others people’s lives. I happen to be crazy enough to share.
Ironically as I continue to write and share my story the same thing is happening with my academics as it did when I was writing this journal. It was impossible for my mind to focus on anything but writing and reading. As of now I have that same issue because I honestly am addicted to my fans who are reading my story and talking to me about my journal postings! Thank You all a bunch if it wasn't for my fans I wouldn't be doing this.
Another reason to "do this", meaning live is not one but several reasons. I mean there is my family, my friends, my dogs, the snow, Christmas, bears, things that go boom in the night, ghosts, mysteries, books, education, typing, procrastination, and you get the idea that this list could go on forever. The way I was able to start enjoying myself again was by finding things I was good at doing. And just because many think the things I enjoy doing originally should be put off and done later in life doesn't mean I should just put my talents on the back burner until I get my license, a completed education, and a boring job behind a clothing rack or counter. Do what you enjoy doing and never do something unless you would do it for free for the rest of your life.