Thursday August 20th 2009
One thing I don't get lately is happy people. How the hell is anyone in this world suppose to find happiness when I feel dominated by anger sadness and over all badness. I can't turn on the news without finding bad news. I wish there was a good news channel
I don't however believe we should view selfishness as bad. But, it hurts to know people really don't care about you. They care about themselves.
I found some what of a miracle today however. I woke up pissed off. I couldn't tell the reason, but I awoke pissed. It was raining, maybe thats to blame. It's been raining two days straight now. I wanted to mow the lawn. I wanted to go outside, but it rained. Mom was at the school so I went online when mom called asking me after I had answered the phone if I was awake. I was then asked if I was heading back to bed and I asked why. She proceeded to answer she was not coming home if I was going to sleep. Though her presence hadn't bugged me in the last couple days I knew for some reason her being around would bug me. I lied and said I was heading back to bed. I was suppose to call when I awoke.
I went online and checked my e mails, facebook, etc. and then I made a PBnJ for my breakfast. I was craving sweets: something to sweeten my sour attitude I had. After eating I decided it was time to take a bath. I cranked the water temp to hot because I love a scorching hot bath on a bad day.
For some reason I always thought taking a bath ruins ones masculinity and this thought continued today. I thought about the time that had passed since mom had called and how it would be just great if she showed up as I was trying to relax. I thought or more or less set up in my day to be miserable if she had come home while I was bathing in the tub. The next thought was one that said it was stupid for me to ruin my day based upon my theory that my masculinity would be ruined by my predetermination of my mothers higher functioning. I decided if mom were to arrive and I were in the tub I would be perfectly content. It would be just as satisfying to take a bath with or without mom being home.
Luckily I finished bathing and called mom afterward and asked her to go to the music store to buy me valve oil for my trumpet. She insisted I come with her to pick up this single item. I said there was no point in two people entering the store to buy valve oil. She said she would come home pick me up and drive me to Main Street and just send me into get it. I said forget it and hung up.
She came home and I pouted in my room because the only thing I wanted on this wretched rainy day was to play my trumpet, but because I was without oil I was unable to play it. I was comically heart broken. Though I was seemingly pissed I was able to muster some inner strength to bring my body out of bed and plop it right back down in the recliner chair. When mom arrived she appeared rather chipper for denying her son of his most innocent desires of that yearn to frolic his fingers and limber his lips on the mouth piece of his trumpet. In quick response to her flamboyant attitude I pulled from my pocket my newly acquired cell phone which had already had some scratches on it. I flipped it open swiftly with my thumb in order to somehow justify that I was important and unaffected by moms actions.
"I have to pay bills today" she said as she walked into the kitchen and drank some water.
Without looking up and keeping my eyes and more applicable my brain occupied on the cellular device I responded so interested, "O"
She went on to discuss some other importance's in her life as I continued to stare uselessly into my cell phone.
Disgusted by her chipper appearance I went back into my bedroom to mope. I placed my cell phone into the depths of my pocket and as I avoided eye contact or even body contact with the mother I stepped shyly into the bathroom. On the toilet I picked up the blue and white thermometer and placed it in my mouth. I shoved it to the back of my tongue because it was known to be a couple of point degrees off. I dully pinched the lower back of my tongue and ran in at 98.8 degrees. Though it wasn't a fever I usually get 98.4 degrees. I guess that's why they call me cold hearted, but regardless it also helped me explain my feeling of drained. It was difficult to move because i felt I would drop.
I went into my bedroom to mope when I got a craving for root beer. I thought I could somehow get mom to get my valve oil. So I went out and decided, what would better signify the situation of making me walk in the store with her to get one item. At the time I didn't realize it, but if we had both made one root beer float, and I had eaten it, that would make as much sense as one person going into the store for one thing, but i made the indecisive decision to make her and I one in hopes she would return a favor.
She was working on bills when I went to the T.V. to put in Family Guy. Mom immediately ceased the opportunity to procrastinate her bills by coming over to watch it with me. I did not want to impede her work so I stalled looking at each episode. Luckily mom went to go get the mail and thats when I decided to bail my plan to watch television and headed over to the computer to check my e mail in an already noted futile effort.
I was in luck again when mom said she had to go downtown. I was immediately relieved. She said she would bring me by the store to get the valve oil. I said I had better things to do. As she left I really thought it would be nice if she returned with valve oil and I told her through the screen door it would be nice. I said no more. She had the look of an overly intelligent pig who was confused by it's own fart. Regardless if pigs fart or not her face was priceless as I shut the door with a real grin on my face listening to her voice.
She enjoys believing she is right all the time and never wrong. Like I say, it is those who fail to admit their own fallacies that make life hell for all. I was surprised to feel delighted. I felt great because I knew she wouldn't return with the valve oil and knew she would return upset. Sure enough she came back and I sat on the computer in a much better more chipper mood than in the morning. I looked at mom as she went to sit down to do bills and then I faced the computer. She headed to the bathroom and then without my knowledge into her room. She had been procrastinating and reading so I told her the computer was ready for her to finish her bills.
The miracle may not be apparent to whatever shrew may be reading this entry, but the miracle is simply you can wake up one morning pissed off and through whatever happenings make the day more excruciatingly painful there is always the realization you can create the optimum future occurrences. I realized that mom was actually being rude by refusing me valve oil even though she headed into town.
Granted I was being immature and not going with to get it, but it is not logical for two people to get one thing when I'm simply content at home and mom is doing errands. I am not lazy, I moved furniture and cleaned gutters in the rain today. I even made her a root beer float. Even though my intentions were to bribe her to get me my valve oil.
It is a simple fact to me and should be obvious to anyone that no one gives a fuck about you, but only their predetermined ideas of whats in it for them. the only time we care is more proof of an agreement then actually caring. this is why we do vows for marriage. Even the o so important special connection between two people we discover the fact that under all that mumble jumble of love an intimacy whats in it for the both of them is sex. In the majority of cases caring comes down to the continuance of race and acceptance of what everyone else wants for you. It's twisted yet, scare-fully true and explainable.
You may be wondering what this journal entry has to do with being gay and coming out of the closet. It is important to me because I had the realization that all peoples ideas on love and being together were not as special as they made them seem when you came down to the bottom of it. Granted we make sense of it and like to make everything we do significant. When you share lives together any type of relationship becomes important. However it was important for me to know in order to get into a relationship I would have to be doing something that benefited the other person. They would have to also make me feel happy and good about myself in return.
Mom was concerned about finishing her errands and getting me to come with her as a way to give me some sort of motherly learning experience. As well as her natural want to bond with me she was trying to convince me to come with. Though I love her dearly and respect the things she does do for me it is imperative to keep in mind my age. I don't like being home and I don't like a whole heck of a lot of bonding time. Twenty years from now I will probably look back and laugh at my actions as I often do today.
I was interested in nothing but getting my valve oil. I was also not interested in leaving my comfort zone of being home. People have always made me extremely anxious. I hate buying things and standing in line. It is like a phobia. I don't know It is just one of those goofy quirks we all have. I even went as far as to make mom a root beer float in order for her to realize that I should get valve oil.
As for valve oil I did finally go to the store with mom to go get it. Of course there was a catch because of peoples self interested ways. She went to a sewing store and chatted with her teacher friends for 20 minutes while I stood bored out of my mind waiting to leave so I could begin playing my trumpet again. I have a half container of trumpet oil left.