Do You Remember Daddy?
Sometimes I wish it had never happened. I wish I could've been different. I wish maybe if I hadn't talked back so much and maybe talk to you some more you would still be here. I wish he would've given us another chance but he didn't. I know it wasn't my fault, it was his. I know I shouldn't blame my mother, the blame only deserves to be given to one person but I know he hasn't felt it yet. Why do I feel like all the blame should be on me? That's a question I will never know. I know a lot of things now but the main one was you were that started this but amazingly you can't end it?
As a child, there were times that I would never understand but you were the one that kept me in line. You were the one that said, "I'll always be number one to you." Is that still true? I haven't heard it since you left; you promised me that you would always be there for me no matter what. Well I believed you and now I wish I never had. I kept on believing you until too many times when I needed you had come and you weren't there.
You left everything right there, leaving it for someone else to clean up. Well I tried to help you but you didn't even try to accept my help, you just watched as the problem got bigger and bigger. At times I never knew where you were and why you never showed up. Do you remember dad me looking across the audience hoping to see your face but I never did. I remember all the excuses you gave me. "I'm sorry sweetie; I got caught up at work." Or "Sweetheart the roads are horrible, you wouldn't want me ending up in an accident now would you?" But even at that age I never believed you.
You never let me know it and you never let it show but I still found out. Can I ask you how she is dad? I should've gotten the hints from the beginning. The way you stopped hugging and kissing mom. Your eyes wouldn't even look at me anymore and those calls from "The Office" that just happened to make your eyes twinkle and your cheeks turn red.
I was six when you left. I was young and I couldn't remember that many things but what happened back than was something I'll remember for the rest of my life even if I don't want to. It was around Christmas time. I was in the den playing with my Barbie, waiting for mom to finish the pancakes so we could finally eat as a family. I could hear mom crying quietly from the kitchen. So I went out to see why my own mother was sobbing on our dinner table. Her cheeks were red along with her eyes. Some tears sliding down her face.
"Mommy, what's wrong?" I remember myself asking. She looked down at me and the tears came more and faster. It hurt seeing my mother like that.
"Nothing Sweetie." She said through the sobbing. I didn't believe her.
"Daddy, why is mommy crying?" I asked towards you when I saw you in the hallway. You were wearing a winter gray jacket; the one mommy had gotten you the year before all this.
"It's nothing." You said harshly. I could tell by your tone of voice you weren't happy. I had been hearing that tone too much.
"Daddy help, Mommy's crying!" I cried. I wanted you to come over and give us both a big warm hug but you didn't. You just stood there glaring at both of us. I was scared, I had seen you mad but not like this.
"Shut-up!" You yelled at us. I flinched at those words and now I continue to. Mom began crying even louder and I held her hand but my eyes were glued to you. I didn't know what you were going to do next.
I remember how you walked toward us; the ground felt like it was moving. You were saying words that I didn't understand back than but now I do. I couldn't even believe they came out of your mouth.
You pushed me to the ground with a slap I'll never forget. My cheek was burning red and my eyes were watering. It hurt, mainly because I couldn't believe you would slap your own little princess. Then I saw you go over to mommy. You put your face to hers. Than within seconds you grabbed her hand and pulled her up from the chair.
I remember me screaming to let her go and her cries just stuck in my head. That face she had on is tattooed in my mind. She was struggling for you to let her go but you didn't. You pushed her head toward the wall not once, not twice but three times. You hit her in the head three times.
She was weak. I pulled myself up and ran toward you. I tried pushing you away from her, but I was too weak. I guess mommy was right. I should've drank my milk, I would've been stronger. You ignored me and continued dragging her into the room.
I didn't give up though. I wrapped my arms around your legs and begged for you to stop hoping that my real father would hear me and stop but I'm guessing he didn't hear me since you didn't stop. I bit you in your left leg. I never knew if it left a spot or not but if it did than I hope you always remember that it was from me.
You let her go but only for a second. I watched my own mother fall toward the ground blood coming from her head. I was crying and I didn't even know it. I soon felt your cold hands across my back pick me up. You flicked me to the ground and that was when everything went black.
Do you remember that dad? Do you remembering me crying so loud that all the neighbours could hear? I didn't even want to be alive anymore but only one thing kept me going to stand up; the cry of my mother. Your own daughter having to hear the sound of you yelling at her mother. Pushing her against the furniture and how you continued to throw things at her.
You still call yourself a dad? You still believe that you'll always protect us. Well you didn't. You never protected us. You never even tried.
I wish those memories would just get out of my head but they won't will they? You ruined of the little left of my life but you never knew that part did you?
"Let go of her!" I screamed as I pounded my small fists against the door. I could already feel them beginning to bleed but I didn't stop. I didn't want to hear my mother screaming. "Daddy, please stop! Don't do this to her!" The tears wouldn't stop coming. Could you hear me?
There wasn't much left I could do. I remember how I had my body glued against the door counting the seconds for you to come out. Well you did finally. I remember how your eyes glanced down at me. It wasn't long until you attacked again. You kicked me in the stomach. I felt like my bones had all cracked that moment. I didn't know if I was being delusional or not but it sure felt like I wasn't.
That one kick threw me to the other side of the wall. I could feel the hard cold wall behind me. But you didn't stop there. You walked up to me and continued to hit me. Did you enjoy it dad? Did you enjoy seeing your only daughter, the one you promised you'd love forever crying, blood coming from her face? I guess I'll never know.
That was the last thing I remember from that night. All I could see was blackness. I could still feel your hands hitting me. I remembering thinking to myself; I'm dying right now.
I didn't die though. I wish I did but I didn't. I never knew I could hurt like this daddy. I slowly opened my eyes, first thinking I was in heaven but when I saw your face looking down at me I knew I wasn't.
"Don't say anything." You ordered me. I tried to nod my head but it hurt. Do you know why it hurt daddy? I wanted to know where mommy was but you wouldn't tell me. Why wouldn't you tell me daddy? Was she still crying? Was she still in pain? I tried to look around but I couldn't move that much. I knew I was in the living room though. It smelled like peppermint. I remember mommy had decided to spray the Christmas tree with peppermint spray so it would add something new to the house.
"I have to go now, goodbye." You whispered to me, your voice still harsh. Your eyes wouldn't look at me. W-why were you leaving daddy? Where were you going? I could feel my eyes getting watery again. I didn't know whether it was because of the pain or you leaving.
"Daddy, please don't!" I cried. I couldn't even hear myself. I was surprised I could even hear you daddy. You didn't say another word to me, you just got up. I could hear you footsteps getting farther and farther away while my tears getting more and more. The minute you reached the door was the minute it felt like my heart fell. At that moment, I remember thinking how you used to tuck me in at night with the teddy bear I use to hold so tight. I forgot about all the pain you gave me and I just cried even more. I wanted mommy to come and give me a hug. I knew you could hear me daddy. I just didn't know how you could just walk away. My eyes soon became drowsy and I remember how I cried myself to sleep that night.
The next morning, was one of my worst yet happiest days ever. I woke up to mommy's face but it didn't look like mommy. She had scars and bruises all over her face. Her eyes were even redder than yesterday. Seeing her like that made me want to cry and if that was your goal daddy, than you achieved it. You made your wife and daughter cry.
We didn't talk for a while daddy, we just listened to each other's tears and watched the stories that came with each.
"It's okay, baby. He's gone now." Mommy whispered to me. Those words were some of the happiest and worst words of my life.
It had now been one year and two months since that day. I still had problems with my back and stomach but the doctors couldn't find what was going on with it. It always hurt and now I can't even imagine a day without the pain. Thirteen months, four-hundred-sixteen days, nine thousand-nine-hundred-eighty-four hours, I spent in the hospital daddy because of you. I remember how angry I was at you and how much you made me cry even more.
I had to spend my birthday at the hospital; I had to miss all of my friend's birthdays just because I wasn't allowed to leave the hospital. I became such a frequent visitor I had more friends in the hospital than out.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing. Soon the pain was getting worst daddy and I remember the doctors taking mommy to a room and telling her something. When mommy came out she was crying. I smiled at her; I didn't want her to cry. The doctors than told me I could go home. I was so shocked; I honestly thought they were going to make me live my whole life here. Mommy cried even more when we walked out the door. I didn't know why, I thought she would've been happy so than I could finally come and sleep in my own bed. To tell you the truth daddy, I think the only reason they released me was because they gave up on me.
When we got in the car, mommy gave me a big hug. She then drove me to our favourite ice cream store. The one you took me to after we saw my very first baseball game. I got my favourite kind, strawberry kicks. Mommy tried smiling after but I could tell she was still sad. I tried asking what was going on but she wouldn't ever answer. They say bad things happen for a reason, but no wise words can stop the bleeding.
That was the last day I remember. The last day I actually felt a bit normal. The one day I wasn't coughing up blood or taking more than ten pills a day. The day my heart wasn't as full with pain as it was every day. The last day I remember mommy's face.
Now daddy, I'm looking up at you. Your eyes are red and you look like you're in pain but are you honestly? Are you really crying? Do you now have a heart daddy? Now seeing your daughter, here in a coffin staring up at you does it make you sad? I never knew it could hurt like this daddy, I wish I could talk to you for a while daddy without crying. I wish I could tell how much you ruined my life.
Tell mommy, I love her daddy. Even though after everything you've done to me, I'd still give the world to see your face. I wish I wasn't leaving so soon. And now the hardest part is coming right now. I can hear you walking away daddy. Now I can see these two men looking down at me. Their eyes both have tears in them. There closing the lid, daddy don't let them close the lid. I don't want it to get dark, daddy I'm scared of the dark. Please daddy, please. It's too dark. I don't know what's happening. I feel like I'm falling down a building. I can't feel anything. I know what's going to happen next daddy but before it do I think it's time to say, Bye Bye but remember daddy no matter what when a heart breaks, it doesn't break even.