Mar 25, 2015 1130 am. It's a day until the next large assignment is done. I'm semi-sick. Fighting off something. Fighting off other things. Fight fight fight! But not really. Oh really! Who knows? I know! You don't know. No one knows! Here we go go go. A doe de low low.. Wow. Someone needs more sleep. Someone needs to sleep. Though someone is rested. More or less. Just a few more thousand words to go, and really.. To get started on. Yeah. Madness. All of it! Muse has a good song named Madness. I recommend. I do! I do do do a choo choo.. It's Wednesday. It's beautiful outside here. Stunning almost. There is nay a cloud in the sky, that blue sky with the sun beating down on me. Warming my old weary bones. Sick bones. But not that sick. And I'm sitting here awash with the moment. Awash with all these myriad thoughts and cascading emotions. Almost annoyed. Yet not.
Mar 23, 2015 March break was mostly a bust. But there were a few good moments. It's over now though, and it's 2am. I just submitted a 3100 word report to my teacher, and hopefully it goes over well. It's worth 50% of the grade... yeah... Didn't get nearly enough time to do it, but overall, right in this moment I'm semi-satisfied with it, and have to start the next major project due on Thursday. For now though, for now.. A little sleep... Glad people are back safe and had such a good time. Very glad.
Mar 19, 2015 Today I went ice fishing today for the first time in a very, very long time. It was nice, very nice. Good to just wander around poking holes in the ice, standing in the sun casually as you jig a line. My hands are burnt and probably part of my face... Afterwards I had heavy conversations. Working through issues. Struggling against the weight. Oddly the burn that didn't blister is healing worse than the blistering one. Funny. Funny life. Funny times. Yet not. And no matter what I'll keep soldier on. Have to, must to, cannot do but this. How I hope Montreal is going well.
Mar 15, 2015 I feel like there is some point. Some.. reason, when I learn, when I feel the air and outside world about me. Though there have been times hen even that hasn't been enough.. funny life.. funny creatures we all are.. the papers haven't been coming along.. but I've started some serious research, Right now I am reading about wolves in fascination... Saw my friend on Friday who was in ICU in vancouver for a bit. He is changed. But still the same. Hopefully he gets better and learns from this near death experience... Is that what I saw in his eyes? Recognition?.. Fear?.. He is one of the good ones. Truly... Montreal should be great. Though.. the North is where its at.. So much faith in peoples ability by the way. So much so I could only smile in pride and wonder at how successful they will be in Montreal.
Mar 12, 2015 Having this truncated news feed is so disorienting. No scrolling down for ages, getting a coffee while I do, maybe watching the leaves change color and fall from trees, or the seasons pass. Nope. Just short and sweet and right to the point... Wait. Whats the point again?.. There isn't too much news here. I just finished my last midterm, and have a few papers due in less than two weeks. Big papers. Massive papers. Papers to fill up the sky if they were printed. Which they won't be. Really? Who accepts printed copies of papers anymore? No one in this environmental science program anyhow, so ma'm. No no no... Lately it feels like I've been drawing a lot of bad mojo my way, or it's just one of those things. A woman who has some craziness issues made some threatening gestures towards me this Saturday, and is starting to get blatantly insulting in the hallways now. So I'm waiting for that to blow up a bit in some way. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Security here at the college is aware (she is a resident at the college), and she has bothered other people. So.. They are waiting too, I'm not sure for what. Once the threats of violence start I start to think it's time to stop waiting and deal with it. I am willing to work with her and talk to the crazy person, yet they say to just ignore her, let it all slide until a decision is made by management on what to do. Strange world we live in. Strange.. And then at a tow company I went to, to help get a friends car out of their lot, the owner was being very aggressive, saying he was going to 'lay me out', and I was just.. angry. So angry. Just waiting for him to do something, and just astounded someone would be like this who owned a company. Funnily I felt no violence, just kept smiling a half smile and staring him in the eyes. Wanting to be done with the whole situation quickly. Which we managed to do.. Apparently I was pretty frightening / intimidating. So my friend said.. And now one more class until reading break. Until all that time to work on papers. Hopefully fix up a truck... Here we go here we go here we go... Wish I was in Montreal. Wish I could get away for a weekend. Foolish mortals. Foolish!
Mar 6, 2015 It's Friday. The days are really. Really going by too quickly. Projects are looming ahead, but I've made definite progress on a couple. A couple are still in the void, waiting to be born.. Have to say I'm worried about this semesters grades. There might be a couple B+'s, hopefully nothing less! Egads. Have been really gravitating between med and law school as well. And feel a definite pull towards a masters in ethno-ornithology, or something similar. Something that tries to build a greater base for traditional knowledge use in northern science, and visa versa. Though those old ways.. those are fast disappearing. And that's the point. The elders are disappearing, and quickly. It's knowledge that has a definite half-life, knowledge that may disappear, important knowledge that will never be discovered again in many, many lifetimes. Argh.. So much was lost already... I was reading a bit of ethnography and a history of epidemics here in the north could have wiped out 90% of the population, which seems to agree with other figures I've read about elsewhere. That's 9 out of every 10 people you know dying. Can we even begin to imagine the cultural loss? The loss of knowledge? The disconnection and discontinuity? And then on to residential schools? Whose import just ended within a generation... Well. We've all heard this before. But the fact is there is something worth fighting for and preserving in all this and I would love to be a part of it. And I will be. And will at the same time try to preserve every part of the land I can, in my way. In a certain way I need to find, and am still looking for. Do I become a lawyer and fight the inherent right of the land to have rights? That these places we inhabit should be treated as we treat other people? Should I become a doctor and.. what?.. become some personal model of indigenous success? Live a life I can personally admire and feel like I'm accomplishing something in? Argue for the health of people as a whole, the well-being, and how that may be so vastly affected by mining and 'resource development', and just generally support the north and the people in it. Try to heal so many First Nation's people up here that are lost, so, so lost. I've known that struggle, still do. Felt the awful weight of disconnection and history bear down on me. And fought my own personal fights as we all do, no matter the race or creed. Ah yes, it's a terrible thing to become too focused, but still, all that shapes me and who I am and who I may become... Is the great equalizer the land? The place that gives life to us all? The sun and air and water and earth?... What to do.
Mar 2, 2015 The day went surprisingly well. Studied a lot. Made about 8 pages of notes on evolution. Just the fact I'm studying evolution first off is damned awesome. Then went for a swim afterward and did quite a few laps in the pool, something I haven't done in a long time. I'm a runner. That's what I know and love. But this pool thing. This swimming thing. It's another challenge that tempts. And certainly there are many parts of me that need training in it. The coup d'grace though was the drive down a road to watch the northern lights tonight with a friend. It was an amazing display, and the person I was with is one of those bubbly people that you find hard not to be infected by. We stopped at one place and there was a duck quacking in the marsh next to us in excitement at the display. Then a great horned owl joined in after awhile. Simply stunning.. The only mar on the evening were my own thoughts, and how these lights remind me so strongly of the girl I was just with recently, the woman. Whenever we seemed to connect the strongest the northern lights were shining. The first night we made love even, they were there. The first night we broke up, they were there, with a little beaver swimming in the pond below us. There were other nights. So many strong 'coincidences', moments. Moments to sort through, some to learn by, some to live by, some to let go, some to hold.
Mar 1, 2015 The feeling is passing somewhat, locked in some depths. Waiting. Is that the ticket? The way we see the world with such eyes, almost utterly forgiving at times, at others broken, and sometimes all too dangerously. How we've become something of a mystery even to ourselves. How we were so easily able to support the other, because each had been in the same place time and time again? Is that what I have to search for? Someone who's fought the fight again and again and again, and risen above it? How many of us are there? How many of us are left? Maybe there is more of us than I think, or maybe it's not that simple. Some become twisted in the fight, some become utterly selfish. Some become nothing at all. How did we come about? Love? That despite everything we had some sort of.. something.. guiding our way. Or is it just our character? Oh. Just questions today it seems. So many questions.
Feb 28, 2015 Gods but the sadness, the anxiety, whatever this is, is strong today. It's hard to keep from weeping sometimes while just sitting somewhere. Out in the sun in the car. Here in the college while trying to read. And I wonder who I would be without this sadness, if I would be anything better or if I would even know how to really exist without it. Maybe. Maybe. There would be something someone, there could be something, someone who would exist, a little hint of peace, as I've so often wondered and thought on. Of a stillness. Who can tell with these things. Who can really say. Though I often wonder if I would really want it to leave. As if I would be saying goodbye to an old friend. Well. Who can say. But my god. It's a little difficult to even exist today, never mind work on things that are due. Rather than just read silly stories. I'm on book 6 of the death gate cycle.
Feb 26, 2015 Today I got a garbled call from a friend in a hospital in Vancouver. They flew him out from Whitehorse because they could not figure out what was wrong with him. He sounded awful. And jokingly said he was on his deathbed. Which he never really refuted. Just that 'he wasn't doing so good and would try calling again tomorrow.' About an hour after I got that call I had to write a midterm. Kind of a weird day. Haven't focused at all. It's a long day too. Sitting here waiting for a three hour night class. Playing a guitar in one of the student lounges until my fingers go a little beyond aching. Class starts soon.. Went for a walk earlier as well. Got a cute picture of a fox. It's on my instagram. Look at that. You can google my instagram 'Greyjaei' should work fine.. Ugh. Just ugh. But I'm tired. Achingly tired. Won't even admit it to myself, the depths of that feeling.. Right the walk. Saw a lot of chickadee's flying through the air and singing to one another. The old cheeseburger song was playing through the air. Think that's a black-cap chickadee. Seems to be a lot of them. And the ravens were flying to the west, they typically do around this time, roosting I suppose. Who knows. But they were calling everywhere as well.. Went down to the stream and stuck my hand into it until the pain of it came and went. With an angry squirrel behind me, who kept at his territorial hooplah until I was well far away up the hill and walking back to the college.
Feb 25, 2015 There was a guest lecture today in Management of Aboriginal Resources, an economist. A classical economist. Trailed in the dark tower of the school of London. I have seen the face of the enemy. Looked into the depths of darkness. But really I had to bite my tongue and dig my nails into my hand to keep from blurting out several times 'But what about THIS! And THAT.' Externalities! The environmental costs we know nothing of! A mine site in the Yukon that we will be cleaning up FOREVER, literally, they have a 500 year plan 500 YEAR plan to facilitate clean up. TO START. 'breathes'... 'looks for the song 'Aenima' by 'Tool... 'presses play.. 'stares into the distance with a hard glream'
Feb 24, 2015 Memories: those little bits we take us. Some standing out so strongly, some defining us, lending credibility to your lives and filling out, defining further moments. There is one near Mount Royal of a person sitting next to the EC building, on the steps, staring into the distance. She's totally distant from everything around her, or, totally encaptured by everything around her. Either way you can tell she could probably sit there forever, and you wouldn't be surprised. But life soldiers on. And I remember walking up to her, being totally drawn to this being. And I remember thinking, 'So that's what it's like for people approaching me, what I look like in the depths of my thought.' .. And forgiveness. Another memory. Of someone confessing terrible things done to them, and a violent part of me rising up, seeking vengeance. And the person confessing smothering any hint of that violence, of showing and telling me what it would do to me. The truth of the moment struck me so forcefully. Spoke to some truth I'd long sought and sometimes found.. Right now I'm sitting here in the Yukon College, eating a tasteless lunch, drinking coffee to try and keep the mind sharp. Wondering at what I am. What I can offer. At my consistency. Wretched in ways. Good in others. The song playing is Jose' Gonzalez's 'Heartbeats'.. There is a way I can enter the world and bring something to it. I know this. But usually it involves only portraying a part of myself, and leaving the vastness of everything inside buried. Suppose that's how most people do it. And eventually through a lot of hard work and self-confidence, found somewhere. Where?, You can start to reveal more and more of yourself. If you're lucky. Or you can find that place where you can be exactly who you are..
Only when it is dark enough can you see the stars. -Martin Luther King, Jr.