Dec 6, 2013 Things have calmed down somewhat in my head so far. I spent some time last night working on an oven, found out we had the wrong part, and stopped, then began learning a new song on the guitar. Foo Fighter's 'Everlong'. One of the progressions on that song I got -very- lost in. Also found out I can tune a guitar in and out of drop D fairly easy. Not perfectly. But close to. It's a balmy -21 degrees here in the Yukon. There's no wind and the air still has a bite to it that makes it seem colder than it is. I'm also fighting off a cold or flu, can feel it creep up on me sometimes. Right now I feel perfectly fine, but sometimes Ifeel that faint 'offness'... I bought some regular eggs the other day. And made some scrambled eggs with them. They. were. so. awful. Don't think I'll do that again, unless it's for some major baking.. About to get out of this coffee place. Too.. much. Tonight I go see some friends and play computer games. . Hope I find whats needed to practice that song some more. The Knife's 'Silent Shout' album is just amazing.
Dec 5, 2013 Mm. Desperately want a smoke right now. It would be so perfect for like. A minute. Then I wouldn't necessarily regret it, but would be awash in the filth of it, realizing my running would suffer. My clothes would need to be washed, my heart would be beating off, and on and on. So really. It will doubtfully happen. Instead what? Games? A slight decline into a world weariness that leaves the mental acuity semi-paralyzed? There's this pressure and seriousness building all about me. I know my eyes are a little too focused, too intent, and my mouth is set in a straight line that sometimes quirks into a half-mocking smile. Advent of the coffee, time in a busy coffee shop, and conversation with online friends who cannot fill or understand some part of me that longs for something.. They make me laugh, and at times make me happy. Yet. Still. That thing, that hole. Hah. Anyhow.. I'm listening to Fever Ray's 'If I Had a Heart'. Again. And again. It fits my mood perfectly.
Dec 4, 2013 Supposedly I still exist. -Supposedly-.. Though I'd almost lean the other way.. Oh to sleep forever. It almost seems what I'm wandering towards, what I am doing. That is to say, I'm losing some vision of the future, of what it may be or what I may want it to be. Where is the hope? the desire? the need? for anything really. It all just seems a... long dream. And I am some sketch less person, unable to really.. Ahhh.... What is there really? In this ceaseless dream. What has really caused that spark? When life seemed to dance with wild imaginations. And now into... Smirk. Even writing here now leads to a certain desire? sparking? awakening?.. But in many ways it's just an echo.
Nov 25, 2013 A snowy day in the north. Managed to get my running and body weight training in. It's becoming a regiment. Each time I do these excursuses it becomes easier, more enjoyable, and a lot less like torture. Fantastic no?.. Cassandra has really been pushing me to move to San Francisco for work, and the more I think about it, the more attractive the notion becomes. It would be a nice change of pace for a time, and we'd make good roommates. Both rather sad, both like a great range of music, and like to keep to ourselves. So I've started dropping resumes here and there, hoping to get a job that would sponsor me to move to the states for a bit. There have been a couple good ones with the city of san francisco that I would be happy to have. I also went and met with someone at the Yukon College here. They are offering 2 years of work for a Bachelors of Environmental Science - Northern Systems, degree, that I would love to have. It's looking like I may take it. 2 more years but.. I love school, or at least, I love the learning. And this time I have a goal with my learning. Need to keep that GPA up there. Then go for a Masters or.. law degree. I bet you all think I forgot? But no. I just realize I need certain more attributes to qualify for any law programs. But it is still there. That potential. We'll see...
Nov 19, 2013 It's nearly 5am. Here I am sleepless and listening to The Church's Under the Milky Way. Another night with little or no sleep, as my eyes become darker and baggier. More excersise is needed, more creation, more life. Still still still. I have started to look into upgrading my GPA and getting a full bachelors. More schooling schooling schooling. Perhaps I am just a professional student. 'Wish I knew what I was looking for, under the Milky Way tonight.' *Edit* Oh Ludovico...... Here I am, sort of feeling a sense of dread about the day. Waiting for I don't know what. Could be the severe tiredness... I want to go run until there is very little left. Until I sweat so much my face becomes a sharp, stark place. **Edit Edit Managed to go for that run, wasn't 'that' far, but I was so bundled up, and ran up and down a huge hill twice, that I was drenched in sweat by the end of it. For some reason its easier on me to run here when it is -26 than Calgary. I barely felt it... Goldie was with me, she's really simply lovely. She had little black booties on and this pink sweater. And she doesn't care. Just happy to be outside. Jumping around and running around exuding LIFE, LIFE LIFE LIFE! Stick! Throw it now! Ahhhhhh, this is so awessssommeee... That's me channeling Goldie while we're running together.
Nov 15, 2013 Hardly slept at all last night. I have to admit it was because of the computer. Playing some stinking game that involves building a civilization from the stone age to the modern era. Eventually I won, uniting the land as their diplomatic leader. Oh there were some medival age wars with Korea, but I crushed their armies so utterly they gave me a city to avert my complete wrath... Most of my games there have ended up with me marching an army across the world, even if I try to be peaceful. This time I was especially nice though. As my influence quietly spread across the world, my diplomats whispering in the ears of leaders everywhere.... 'evil hand steeple'.. Now to shower, eat something, and go help a friend move a bunch of stuff..
Nov 13, 2013 The fallacy, I found, was that I was unable to read more than the excerpt. What's up with that. Umph. Well. Want to hear a good moment? I was laying on the couch today with Goldie, the golden retriever, and she fell asleep with her head on my arm, we had a nice little nap until I gently woke her up so I could get the day started. Though once she woke up she proceeded to stretch, pushing my off the couch. Little secret. She breaths heavily when she sleeps. But it's okay. I still love her.. Oh and, started working out to this book and app 'You Are Your Own Gym', very interesting workouts, designed to use your own bodyweight. And you know what. I hate working out my upper body with the same ferocity I use to run. Though the results are showing quickly, I can't seem to push myself to that limit that I can with running. Perhaps with time. It's a requirement, this working out of the entire body. On about seven different levels. Maybe eight. Says so in the scriptures so it does. . Been watching wayy too much Family Guy.. On other news. I don't think my GPA is good enough for a Masters. Considering taking that extra year to get the full BsC at Mount Royal. Will probably email Brian today to inquire what would need to happen for that. HOO-AH. Or maybe I'll just join the army.
Nov 12, 2013 Today is just a 'Chet Baker's Unsung Swan Song' kind of day. Or maybe it's just that kind of life. Melancholy fellow that I am. Either way... Either way.. Things aren't coming together, are they coming apart? Slowly perhaps. Thread by thread. And now.. That flood upon the land.. And I try to lean just a little, just a splash to cool my feet, that trickle, turns out fickle. Fills my boat up five miles deep... It's a good song. Worth more than just a listen. I'm not sure I get this life at all. Not sure I'm one of those who can really exist. Really longing for a cigarette.
Nov 8, 2013 Look at me, up and out relatively early. Sitting here at my 'regular' coffee place for sitting. Had to drop the car off to be checked out you see, a little preliminary thing before I do any more work on it. Besides I found crawling under that car while its on jack stands makes me a little uncomfortable. So much so I think I had a dream about it, now that I think on it. My birthday was fine, I suppose. didn't go anywhere or hang out with anyone. Mostly I just spent several hours hooking up some new speakers in the car. Oh these people who had it before me and had to make things difficult. Why would you use a nut and bolt where the bolt becomes rusted, and won't turn, and you can't reach it behind the speaker to stop it from turning. WHY?! It wasn't the most perfect installation, but at least mine can be taken apart. Winter is nearly here now. I walk the streets in my winter coat thats a little too big for me, but which is so so warm.
Nov 5, 2013 Sometimes littler prophecies come true, don't they? I mentioned a long time ago that I would doubtfully not smoke if I came up North and well, I haven't. Oh there was a puff here or two here with a friend, quickly stopped out of disinterest, out of wanting to put that health towards something else, yet I haven't really smoked since I got here. So, checkmark that in the cycle. Even though I still long for it sometimes in my lost state. Would adore that little company and friend and lover slowly scraping the skin off of me. Cheers... I'm not nearly enough. Can't find the will. And in little spurts and fits I slowly better myself, but barely. Too little.. Siting here reading about Traditional Knowledge and Science, and how to use the two together, or the differences between each. On book three of the Wheel of Time. Managed to get some car work done. Managed to sell a few things. Managed even to apply to a couple jobs, and found a book to help get me into better shape, or a method of working out that uses only your body weight, which is what I've wanted all along, but never knew how, or thought of looking for a book on it. Funny how things can fall into your lap. Running, running, nearly every day. Picking up the guitar now and then too. So. Perhaps there is some sort of light there, some sort of goal being reached for, or something.. Hope I suppose is the loosey goosey term. But its something more, something not quite definable, at least from me, here and now. Sitting here in the fading light of a coffee shop. Eyes that flash a little too wildly and dangerously at times. As I want to half-smile at it all with bared teeth, in diversion.
Nov 1, 2013 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpP11qYuhg8
Because I have no real desire to share this song anywhere else. Can't really think of a soul who would appreciate it more or at all. Just realized very belatedly that it's a cover of Nick Drake. Oh god. Such good music. Oh Jared. Why won't you wake up? Why are you falling asleep so deeply. Damn you. Why. When there is so much... Yet.. Argh. You are.. Lost within yourself. Within electronic blips. Within things others create because you don't want to face that loneliness within you? Is that it? Hm. I need different/new friends. Don't I. Or just... strength.
Nov 1, 2013 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpP11qYuhg8
Oct 31, 2013 Here we are again in the night. In the North... I've started watching Game of Thrones, and so far so good. Very much an adult series though. VERY much. I liked the books they were based off of, but at the same time hated them. In some ways I like the television series more, or I'm just more jaded now than I was when I read the books. It's a cynical series... I really like the imp character. Quite a bit. Not sure I did before, funny how we change... Actually applied for a couple jobs that would be alright to have, and emailed a couple more professors. Still feel like I'm mostly stuck in the mud but things are slowly, oh so slowly moving forward. Where to. I do not know. But well it keeps going. As I do.
Oct 27, 2013 Really been since the 18th since I posted here? That's too long. Too long by a long shot. Suppose I've been drifting fairly heavily. A few days there of.. Anyhow. The fellow I visit on Sundays is sick. Went into the continuing care facility to visit him and he was laying in bed. Looking and sounding very sick and timid. His tooth has been bothering him. Well. Feh. His son sort of dissappeared too I believe, last time I talked to him. Hope he got back in touch. Should I have just stayed? I asked if he wanted to just rest and he said yes. So I said see you next week. And on and on.. I'm almost done the second book in the wheel of time. Still as good as ever. Really -really- drifting. Sitting here at the library.. Wish there was more to say.
Oct 18, 2013 I bought a car today, kind of. It was 3,800 for a 2003 honda civic coupe. It's a nice car, the nicest thing I've ever really owned. Well a little too sporty for me, I think I'm going to get used to it. Most of my day was spent doing that. So much running around... But I'm happy with it... It feels a little like a reincarnation of my first car I ever bought, manual of course, and so fun to drive.. Now I'm sitting in bed watching Lost, so far so good. Though I keep my Lost watching on the down-low so no one can ruin any plot points for me. Like the wheel of time reading. Why no sir/madam, I'm not reading the wheel of time, just admiring the artwork, these strange symbols on the pages.
Oct 16, 2013 Still the days going on and on. Trying ones best to survive in a way. Mostly that's all it is though. And despite how you try to do something. The barest hint of a denial can lead you back. And so a person comes back. Treading in neutral. Drifting with the current. Here I am. Drifting. Spending more time in coffee shops, in libraries. Appreciating the funny people, the strange people, the wierd people, those on the cusp of sanity, or off it. A man who hasn't had a home in 40 years, many nights under a tree. The helping of carrying a huge Tlingit canoe out of a building. Watching people blush madly in-front of you and being so surprised. Remembering how many times you'd been on the other side of that. And reading. Reading on and on. Robert Jordan's first book done. Learning about Salmon. About climate change. About traditional knowledge. Trying to see if you can even find the ability to pull it all together.
Only when it is dark enough can you see the stars. -Martin Luther King, Jr.