Mar 2, 2015 The day went surprisingly well. Studied a lot. Made about 8 pages of notes on evolution. Just the fact I'm studying evolution first off is damned awesome. Then went for a swim afterward and did quite a few laps in the pool, something I haven't done in a long time. I'm a runner. That's what I know and love. But this pool thing. This swimming thing. It's another challenge that tempts. And certainly there are many parts of me that need training in it. The coup d'grace though was the drive down a road to watch the northern lights tonight with a friend. It was an amazing display, and the person I was with is one of those bubbly people that you find hard not to be infected by. We stopped at one place and there was a duck quacking in the marsh next to us in excitement at the display. Then a great horned owl joined in after awhile. Simply stunning.. The only mar on the evening were my own thoughts, and how these lights remind me so strongly of the girl I was just with recently, the woman. Whenever we seemed to connect the strongest the northern lights were shining. The first night we made love even, they were there. The first night we broke up, they were there, with a little beaver swimming in the pond below us. There were other nights. So many strong 'coincidences', moments. Moments to sort through, some to learn by, some to live by, some to let go, some to hold.
Mar 1, 2015 The feeling is passing somewhat, locked in some depths. Waiting. Is that the ticket? The way we see the world with such eyes, almost utterly forgiving at times, at others broken, and sometimes all too dangerously. How we've become something of a mystery even to ourselves. How we were so easily able to support the other, because each had been in the same place time and time again? Is that what I have to search for? Someone who's fought the fight again and again and again, and risen above it? How many of us are there? How many of us are left? Maybe there is more of us than I think, or maybe it's not that simple. Some become twisted in the fight, some become utterly selfish. Some become nothing at all. How did we come about? Love? That despite everything we had some sort of.. something.. guiding our way. Or is it just our character? Oh. Just questions today it seems. So many questions.
Feb 28, 2015 Gods but the sadness, the anxiety, whatever this is, is strong today. It's hard to keep from weeping sometimes while just sitting somewhere. Out in the sun in the car. Here in the college while trying to read. And I wonder who I would be without this sadness, if I would be anything better or if I would even know how to really exist without it. Maybe. Maybe. There would be something someone, there could be something, someone who would exist, a little hint of peace, as I've so often wondered and thought on. Of a stillness. Who can tell with these things. Who can really say. Though I often wonder if I would really want it to leave. As if I would be saying goodbye to an old friend. Well. Who can say. But my god. It's a little difficult to even exist today, never mind work on things that are due. Rather than just read silly stories. I'm on book 6 of the death gate cycle.
Feb 26, 2015 Today I got a garbled call from a friend in a hospital in Vancouver. They flew him out from Whitehorse because they could not figure out what was wrong with him. He sounded awful. And jokingly said he was on his deathbed. Which he never really refuted. Just that 'he wasn't doing so good and would try calling again tomorrow.' About an hour after I got that call I had to write a midterm. Kind of a weird day. Haven't focused at all. It's a long day too. Sitting here waiting for a three hour night class. Playing a guitar in one of the student lounges until my fingers go a little beyond aching. Class starts soon.. Went for a walk earlier as well. Got a cute picture of a fox. It's on my instagram. Look at that. You can google my instagram 'Greyjaei' should work fine.. Ugh. Just ugh. But I'm tired. Achingly tired. Won't even admit it to myself, the depths of that feeling.. Right the walk. Saw a lot of chickadee's flying through the air and singing to one another. The old cheeseburger song was playing through the air. Think that's a black-cap chickadee. Seems to be a lot of them. And the ravens were flying to the west, they typically do around this time, roosting I suppose. Who knows. But they were calling everywhere as well.. Went down to the stream and stuck my hand into it until the pain of it came and went. With an angry squirrel behind me, who kept at his territorial hooplah until I was well far away up the hill and walking back to the college.
Feb 25, 2015 There was a guest lecture today in Management of Aboriginal Resources, an economist. A classical economist. Trailed in the dark tower of the school of London. I have seen the face of the enemy. Looked into the depths of darkness. But really I had to bite my tongue and dig my nails into my hand to keep from blurting out several times 'But what about THIS! And THAT.' Externalities! The environmental costs we know nothing of! A mine site in the Yukon that we will be cleaning up FOREVER, literally, they have a 500 year plan 500 YEAR plan to facilitate clean up. TO START. 'breathes'... 'looks for the song 'Aenima' by 'Tool... 'presses play.. 'stares into the distance with a hard glream'
Feb 24, 2015 Memories: those little bits we take us. Some standing out so strongly, some defining us, lending credibility to your lives and filling out, defining further moments. There is one near Mount Royal of a person sitting next to the EC building, on the steps, staring into the distance. She's totally distant from everything around her, or, totally encaptured by everything around her. Either way you can tell she could probably sit there forever, and you wouldn't be surprised. But life soldiers on. And I remember walking up to her, being totally drawn to this being. And I remember thinking, 'So that's what it's like for people approaching me, what I look like in the depths of my thought.' .. And forgiveness. Another memory. Of someone confessing terrible things done to them, and a violent part of me rising up, seeking vengeance. And the person confessing smothering any hint of that violence, of showing and telling me what it would do to me. The truth of the moment struck me so forcefully. Spoke to some truth I'd long sought and sometimes found.. Right now I'm sitting here in the Yukon College, eating a tasteless lunch, drinking coffee to try and keep the mind sharp. Wondering at what I am. What I can offer. At my consistency. Wretched in ways. Good in others. The song playing is Jose' Gonzalez's 'Heartbeats'.. There is a way I can enter the world and bring something to it. I know this. But usually it involves only portraying a part of myself, and leaving the vastness of everything inside buried. Suppose that's how most people do it. And eventually through a lot of hard work and self-confidence, found somewhere. Where?, You can start to reveal more and more of yourself. If you're lucky. Or you can find that place where you can be exactly who you are..
Only when it is dark enough can you see the stars. -Martin Luther King, Jr.