* what drove me:re-edited*
Written by: Krissy
I was staring up at the ceiling again, having just
regained my consciousness. The ceiling seemed brighter than it
had before, but as I looked towards the window I saw that the
sun had come out to play again. I happened to glance at the
medication bottle that was lying opened on my night table. I
had gotten my prescription strengthen, saying that it was
getting harder to sleep with every passing night, and it was. I
could hardly close my eyes, the only sleep that I got these
days was when I drifted out of consciousness and even at that
it only lasted a couple of hours.
I brought my wrist in front of my face, reading the time
on my watch. It was 7:30 am, time to get up. I threw the
blankets to the other side of the bed and hoisted myself off
the mattress. I made my way over to the full length mirror and
gazed into it, not seeing the person the that I was, but the
person that I remembered myself being. It made the whole world
seem a lot easier, for me anyways.
I walked over to my closet and grabbed a pair of dark
jeans from the top shelf, afterwards removing a black v- neck
from the bottom shelf. I had grown to like darker colours,
realizing that they were less blinding than whites or pinks. I
quickly grabbed my boots from the floor and slid my feet into
them, zipping both the zippers and than slowly standing as to
not disorient myself further. When my vision had come into
focus I crossed the room towards my dresser.
I automatically reached for my jewellery box with the
ballerina's, it was my whole in that one box. I gently opened
the lid, and as the sweet music filled the room my entire body
seemed to relax. I fished out the silver chain that he had got
me for my birthday. It seemed like so many months ago, but it
had only been 4 months, and how everything had gone so horribly
wrong in those 4 months. I listened to the melody from the box
for a few more seconds and than shut the lid and the link to my
The air hit me as I opened the main door to the building.
My jacket flapping behind me as if it were a cape. I walked
around the building towards the parking lot, my car slowly
coming into view. I jabbed my keys into the slot and than
turned it to the right. The door made a clicking sound and I
grabbed the handle allowing myself entrance into its heat.
The key was in the ignition and I was on the main road
before I knew it. I pulled a right turn and than another, my
destination permanently engraved in my mind. I pulled up
against the curb just as he was walking out of his apartment.
Damon Feller. His leather jacket bent over one around, his
brief case in his left hand and his coffee in his right. So
predictable. It was a routine that I had memorized over the
past year. He set his coffee on the roof of his car and played with his keys until he found the right one. The second he
opened it he set the brief case in the passenger's seat and
removed his coffee from the roof, afterwards disappearing
within the car's interior. I watched as the car pulled away
from the curb, when it turned the corner I took my car out of
neutral and pressed down in the gas pedal, taking the first
turn instead of the second. I had learned late on night he had
gone to sleep that there was a quicker way to his office. I
wonder what he would think of seeing me again. Guess I'll just
have to wait and see.
I pulled up to his office with his vehicle still no where
in sight. I removed myself from the car and walked up the
stairs to the grand entrance way. I was sitting on his desk
when I heard the door knob turn and click. My attention
automatically focused on the door. When the door finally opened
he was still fiddling with his keys in the lock, but when his
attention was directed forward he saw that I had made myself a
seat on the top of his desk. He shook his head and spoke in
that tone that made it sound like I was just another psycho
patient for him to analyze.
"Jessie, could you please remove yourself from the desk
there is a seat just in front of you. If you want you can even
have my chair. Just please get off of my desk". I jumped off it
reluctantly, my shirt allowing him allowing him a generous
glance. However when I didn't say anything he spoke again."What
can I do for you Jessie?"
"I think you know perfectly well what I want. The real question here is are you going to give it to me?" I said with a
cocky grin on my face. He once again shook his head at me like
I was some disobedient little child needing to be taught how to
"Jessie, I am working. I am not here for your own
personal reasons contrary to your beliefs".
"They could be your reasons too". He laughed at this,
Then looked me in the eye before speaking,
"Why are you really here Jess?" His arms were folded
across his chest, almost like he had enough of me, but he
wasn't going to get rid of me that easily.
"We need to talk Damon." I was fiddling with the sticky
notes on his desk. This was not exactly going the way I had
planned. He was suppose to be overjoyed to see me. He was
suppose to say that he was wrong to leave me, but that wasn't
exactly what he did, not in anyway was the truth close to my
fantasy. He walked around the desk and grabbed my wrist in an
iron grip, forcing me to stop playing with the notes.
"Come on Damon; admit it, none of them even compared to
me". I knew that I was hitting a little low but at the moment I
was desperate, if I didn't have him back soon, I was going to
"Jess I hate to break this to you, to bring down
everything in your perfect little world, where you are the she-
devil goddess bitch who everyone wants, but here in reality you
were nothing but a compulsive lying little slut". My face must
have showed my shock because he smiled and let go of my wrist. "Now that's this all cleared up could you leave? I have
patients that are willing to try and help themselves".
"I never was one of your patients Damon, so do both of us a
favour and stop thinking that I am. Stop thinking that I need
you in everyway, cause here's a news flash for you, I don't!"
He knew that I was lying but I didn't even care, soon
everything was going to be back to the way it belonged. The way
that I liked it.
I drove back to my building, and walked inside the main
doors and up the stairs to my flat. I made my way to the spare
bedroom and opened the door. Ten televisions and a computer
stared at me. The televisions were linked to camera's
everywhere that Damon was in his everyday life, and the
computer was my quick tip- off of information that was a must
I quickly found the television that was linked to Damon's
office and watched his frustration slowly start to increase as
he was having an argument with his secretary about her
holidays, that was when it happened. His secretary had appeared
to disconnect from their conversation and when she came back
she said that he had a call waiting on line two, from someone
named Elizabeth Monkton. At that name Damon's earlier moodiness
disappeared and he reached to press the button to connect to
the second line. "Who is she Damon?" I was curious to hell and
back as to the answer, but when I heard him say the words I
love you, I knew she was nothing but trouble. An a problem that
I didn't need at the moment. She would ruin everything.
I wheeled my chair over to the computer and did some
background research on this Elizabeth Monkton. I had found out
that she was a Fashion major at NYU, taking English classes in
her spare time. She worked for a small journalism company that
I had never heard of, and the rest was pretty much just some
fun facts. But I wasn't satisfied with that little bit of
information. I knew there was more than that to this girl and I
wanted to know. Not even wanted, I need to know.
The next few days were painstaking. I had to go through
and remember so much information. I knew everything about this
girl. I knew where she lived, when her classes were, I could
have told you where she would have been every damn second of
the fucking day. I knew that she was coming down on Friday
night and that she was meeting Damon at Waldorf hotel, and that
was where I would make my move. I had already had complete and
total connection to everything that she did any phone call, e-
mail, absolutely everything! This girl was not going to see
Saturday morning. That thought alone made it impossible to
wait, and sadly Friday was still 24 hours away. So I took a
pill. One ended up turning into 2, and than I lost count,
slowly drifting farther and farther into unconsciousness.
It appeared even in my unconscious state that I could not
block out the last thing that happened between Damon and
myself. Could not block out the reason why he was with her and
not me. I can still remember exactly what the vase looked like.
I can still remember what was going through my mind. I remember
throwing it at his head the night that he had told me he just
couldn't commit to us anymore. The night that he had told me
that we had nothing left to us other than the sex. He had
grabbed his leather jacket and kissed my forehead, saying how
sorry he was that things weren't different, than he left. I
remember staring at that white door for hours, till the next
thing I knew it was morning, that was the day I placed the
order for the sleeping pills that soon became my salvation, and
it still was to this very day.
I walked into the Waldorf hotel at 6 p.m. knowing that
she was due to arrive from her flight at 7 p.m. I walked
through the hotel, checking all the floors, looking for
anything that could give me the advantage. I checked back to
the blue prints that I had managed to gain, making sure that
everything was in place. I checked the case on my belt, making
sure that I hadn't forgotten the murder weapon. I had picked
this one with care. I figured that since Damon loved to build
things, loved using power tools that it would be a fitting end
for his darling Elizabeth.
I was just walking back into the lobby when she came
through the sliding glass doors, and walked up to the front
desk. I watched her smile at the manager and take her key.
Watched her walk over to the elevator with the bellhop and than
disappear as she walked inside of it.
It was 8: 30 p.m. when Damon walked through those same
sliding doors, his cell phone pressed to his ear. I heard him
saying something about having a hectic day, how bad traffic
was, how happy he was that he was going to be seeing her soon.
I remember when I was the one the one who would be on the other
end. When I was the one that he called every free moment he
had. And I remember that I used to be the one he couldn't wait
to see. But, like daddy had always said, "you have to fight for
what you want. You have to work through everything in your way.
Cause if you want something to the point of needing it, than
nothing can stop you not even Hitler himself". Of course it
didn't help that daddy was a boxer. So competition was never a
thought. You had to be the best. You had to be the smartest,
the prettiest, and the most demanding, any less and I would
never had been good enough to be my father's daughter. However
I don't think that when he said work through everything in your
way that he was talking about murdering an otherwise innocent
person, but than again he never said otherwise either.
I walked inside the elevator and pulled out my cell
phone, punching in the numbers to the hotel. I asked the
manager to phone up to room 972, and tell Elizabeth Monkton
that she has a visitor. The manager put me on hold and than
came back on the line and said that Miss Monkton would be down
in a moment. I slammed my phone shut and watched as I
approached Elizabeth's floor. I stepped out of the elevator as
she was coming down the hall. She still had quite a ways to gountil she hit the elevator, just enough time to put my plan
I walked over to the service doors, opening the door to
find it empty. I walked over to the vent and kicked it in with
my boot. The vent bent willingly allowing me to wrenched it
from the wall. I began to crawl inside, finding my way to the
elevator vent that came out in the shaft of the elevator. I
kicked hard with my right leg, while the rest of my body was
crouched down. This vent went gladly too, and I listened to
it bang its way down the walls of the shaft, slowly peering out
of the tunnel trying to find the elevator.
I could see the elevator about 2 floors above me. I
watched as it passed me and stopped approximately 2 floors or
so beneath me. I slid out of the passageway and than let my
hands go from the ledge, landing on top of the elevator. My
boots made a clicking sound as they hit the top. I moved myself
to my knees and grabbed the hatch handle and pulled it up. I
peered inside and saw her looking back up at me. I smiled and
jumped inside of the elevator much like a cat would have. Her
eyes were priceless, and the fear in them almost sang to me. I
had never had a feeling this intense, but than again she was
the only barrier in the way of my perfect plan. She was the
last and only defence.
I stared back at her and cocked my head. "Hi Elizabeth".
Her lower lip starting to tremble, and it made me have to
stifle a laugh.
"Who are you?".
"Your worst enemy and your very own personal grim
"I don't know what your talking about". This girl was so
clueless, than it hit me that Damon might not have mentioned me
to her and that made me that much more annoyed with her.
"Your right, you don't. You're the clueless little bitch
whose in my way". The pills hadn't kicked in in a while, making
me that much more agitated.
"I don't even know you, how could I be in your way?"
"Your in my way when it comes to what I want". Her eyes
grew huge, as if in sudden realization. Her hand moved to her
mouth, scared at the possibility that she could be right.
"Your Jessie, aren't you?"
"Your point being?" This girl really asked a lot of
"You're the one he warned me about, aren't you?" She had
said it as though I needed to hear my own problems played back
"And your point would be. Now if you don't mind I would
really like to get this over with".
"Please. No!!". I made it look I was actually considering
her plea and than put my index finger up to my lips and shook
my head and started laughing. At that very second the door
opened on the seventh floor and she ran. I popped my head out
of the elevator door and watched as she ran down the hall.
I decided to cut her off at the elevator around the
corner. I made my way down to the main floor and than moved
inside of the one going up, saying that it was an emergency.
I watched the numbers go up, and felt the elevator stop
on the same floor that she was on. I saw the doors slide apart
and watched her face grow in horror as she saw me standing
there inside the elevator. She let out a scream and than ran
off again. I knew there were no elevators in that direction, so
her only chance were the stairs. I tore after her. Racing down
the cream coloured halls of the Waldorf. I could hear my own
heart pounding in my ears, and the sound thrilled me,
intensified the adrenaline rush that was slowly making its way
through my body.
I gripped the handle of stairwell door. Yanked it open.
And threw myself inside. I allowed the door to close gently,
allowing her to think that I had given up. I watched as shelend against the corner wall about three flights down. I guess
being Miss America doesn't mean that you can run. I laughed to
myself as I saw her slide to the floor, tears falling down her
cheeks. Weak, Harmless, Prey!
I shifted myself closer to the edge and sat myself on the
rail, making sure that she could hear and see me. I watched her
gaze drift up to the top and heard her bittersweet scream as
she saw me sitting there. She tried to push herself up,
thinking that I was never going to catch her. She scrambled to
get up, finally standing and just about to run, and than I
jumped. I landed right in front of her, cocking my head in the
most demonic way, the pills finally starting to kick in.
Right at that moment her pain hit me. I felt my stomach
lurch in protest. I had to lean against the wall for a moment
or two, dizziness overcoming me. She decided to run while she had the chance, that however was her own stupid mistake. The
second that I regained my clarity I took off after her. When I
finally caught a hold of her arm and spun her around to face
her face was even more priceless than it had been before my
She watched as my hand reached for her neck. I had her
pinned to the wall, her neck within the iron grasp of my hand.
Once I realized that she was slightly wobbly, and not exactly
in full control of herself I whispered something in her
ear,"Well I guess this is the end of the line for you isn't
it?" I removed my hand from her neck to reach for something
"Please don't kill me. You can have whatever you want,
just please". She managed to muttered it in a whispery tone
and once again I considered the opinion, and once again
she fell for it. I looked into her eyes and reached into my
belt, taking out her fate. Her eyes widened in disbelief.
It was a power drill. I had taken it from Damon house
that day he had said I was a compulsive lying slut. It was a
sweet revenge it you asked me.
I raised the drill till it was about 10 centimetres from
her face, and than pressed the button. Her eyes grew in utter
horror as she saw the drill end now spinning its way to life. I
moved the drill till it was 2 centimetres from her head and
than whispered something in her ear,"I win!".
I felt the drill jump a bit from my head as it pierced
through her temple. Her scream was the most gruesome thing that
I had ever heard in my entire life. The sound of grating as the
drill drove through bone and than the blood began to sputter
all over the place as I moved my finger from the button, and
let the drill sit there, in the side of her head.
She was still crying and screaming even though I was
doing nothing to provoke it to the moment. However when I
slowly removed it just a bit from her head I saw little pink
bits of something I believed to be her brain, or at parts of
it. I laughed and than pressed down on the button again, her
screamed once again increasing the volume. That's when it
I heard the door opened and saw him running down the
stairs, and I panicked. I released my hold on the drill and
reached for my belt, gripping the 9mm calibre pistol from
within it. My finger pulled hard on the trigger before I even
realized who I was aiming at. The impact of the shot knocked
them to the floor, allowing him to bang his head against the
wall, killing him immediately if the shot hadn't already. I
turned back towards Elizabeth, and saw her limp body on theground, the drill still inside her head. Well at least she is
taken care of. Now let's see who our intruder was.
I walked over to the stairs and took them two at a time.
I was on the second stairwell when I caught sight of the hand
that hung through the rail, and even then the pills weren't
enough to hid the fear that was creeping up in the back of my
mind. I ran up the rest of the stairs, tears starting to form in my eyes.
When I reached the top floor and saw the body, I felt my
own go numb. Damon. I had shot Damon. I threw myself at his
side and bent down to lean my head on his chest. Their was no
breath coming from him. He was so cold. I laid a gentle kiss on
his brow and removed the necklace he had given me and than ran.
Leaving behind my own cruel irony.
I drove for hours. Still having no destination. Than the
next thing I knew I was parking in front of Damon's house. I
sat in the driver's seat for about an hour, staring at the
house from the passenger's window. I finally mustered up the
courage to go inside. Reluctantly opening the car door, and
stepping out into the rain.
I walked up to the door and reached up on my tip toes to
grab the spare key on top of the door frame. It was still
there, just as I had known it would be. It gave me that feeling
of comfort to know that something would never change.
The house still had that same smell to it. That fresh
wood like smell to it. I walked through the house, my fingers
skimming the things that brought back memories.
I walked up the stairs and than down the hall, pausing
before his bedroom door. My hand found the handle, but at first
I could not bring myself to turn it. The memories were
almost too much to handle knowing that I was never going to see
I finally mustered up the strength to turn the knob. The
door opened easily, walking inside I felt a fresh new set of
tears rush to my eyes.
I walked over to the bed and crawled on top of it,
burying my face into the pillow. The smell of him was so
strong. A picture of him came into my mind. The last time that
I had been in this bed was when he had cooked me breakfast,
that was the morning he proposed. The memory rang crystal clear
in my mind. That had been the happiest day of my life. And
today was the saddest.
I cried into that pillow for the next 2 hours before I
heard the sirens coming closer. I didn't care anymore. There
was no reason not to go to jail, other than the fact that it
meant giving up, but I had no desire to fight anymore. I was
done. I was throwing in my towel.
I got up and watched as the police cars drove up the
drive way, glancing at my car on the way in. I saw the officers
removing themselves from their cars. They scanned the grounds
and than made their way to the door. The door that I had left
I was torn before two choices. I could stay here and face
what I knew would be a life sentence, or I could run. They
wouldn't catch me. I would be gone before they even knew that I
had left. They would never be able to find me, and yet I was
sick of running, but the desire to survive made it hard not to
I stepped out onto the roof, glancing back at the room. I
would always love him, no matter what, but I was not exactly
ready to spend the rest of my life in a jail cell regretting
not running when I had the chance. So I jumped. I ran to the
backyard and over the fence, heading to destination unknown.
But, somewhere that would hopefully make this easier.
Jealously is a powerful enemy and a powerful ally.
However I let it consume me. My obsession had become my only
thought, and it in the end I killed that obsession. It drove
me crazy. He drove me crazy. And yet in the end the only person
that I can blame is me.