Love...probably the most powerful "four letter word' known to man yet it's strength is not in the word but in the emotion itself. Love has been known to inspire people to greatness. To send brave men and women into battle. To harness strength to rescue a child in danger. To bring even the strongest among us to...tears.
The love of a child, and/or children, is among the most powerful love in the world. My vocabulary is (wholly) lacking to accurately describe the love I feel, and have always felt, for each of my children. When they are sick the worry never left my mind. When they are happy it is a joy...unlike any other. When they excell it uplifts the sprit. When they fail there is no hestitation in giving support and encouragment. When they are sad it is a weight directly upon the soul.
I love each of my children and I am also proud of them. I worry about them and I pray for them. I long to see them. They are never far removed from my thoughts, and my heart, and I look forward to the day when questions can be honestly answered and the emphasis on healing and reaffirming the relationships.
If I could be granted just one wish it would be to oneday have all of my children around one table. To see them interact with one another and to realize that I am truly grateful to the role(s) that their relatives have made in their lives. I never stopped loving them. I never will stop loving them. And I pray for the day that I will again behold them...individually and collectively.
I know that each child is a blessing from God. That each child deserves to be; loved, supported, cared for, encouraged, provided for, etc. I never wanted to be apart from my children and my desire, my wish, and my intent for each of my beloved children was my mantra of "I just wanted to grow old with you".
Throughout my life I had always believed that if I was "semi-healthy", and physcially able to work, that I could (and did) provide for my family. There is an honor in work and though I started working at a very young age, and continued up until I could work no more due to disability, I always gave it my all and took pride in doing my best to give my children all that I lacked as a child. The most important thing was to always let them know I loved them.
Cancer (i.e. papillary thryoid cancer, throat cancer, etc.) is a nasty disease. It adversly effects the body - the mind - and the memory. I know firsthand that it took away from me, in somes cases only for a specific period of time and in other cases I will (unfortunatley) continue to have medical "ups and downs" for the remainder of my life, my hope - my dreams - my health - my ability to think clearly - my priorites - and my happiness.
When I had to deal with the lethal combination of having Primary Immune Deficency Disease, that has no cure and reaks havoc on my body from the inside out, and Cancer it made me not only feel sorry for myself (thankfully through the grace of God I ceased doing that and channelled that into being grateful for all that I have and those that I love/care for) but it cast a shadow on my outlook all the while plunging me into a roller coaster course of sickness and despair.
Due to my memory issues I took as many notes as I could and I faced the day of surgery, to remove the large cancerous tumor and to competely remove my thryoid, alone having been told that my minor children would come to see me the morning of the surgery. When the time came to wheel me into the operating room m heart sank as I had prepared the simple, yet sincere, words that I had wanted to say to each of my children (i.e. that I love you, I want to get better for you, and I will do everything I can to support you and to be there for you) but is was (sadly)...not to be. My last thought, as they placed the mask over my face, was "I hope my children are ok and that if today is my last day on this earth may they know how much I love them and how special they are".
The weeks leading up to my surgery were the darkest in my entire life. My thyroid levels were adversly effected and it made everything from the hairs on my head fall out everything that I ate, or drank, had no taste and it was difficult to keep it down. I never imagined it could be any worse but I was wrong.
After having the surgery (THANK YOU to my treating Physican, the Surgeon, the Surgeons staff, the Hospital, the Hospital Staff, the Radiologist, etc.) I remember waking up and asking if my minor children had come, at any time, to see me. My only other memory is the professionalism of the head of Radiology methodically going over with me the fact that during the surgery they did the "state of the art testing" and confirmed that the tumor was malignant (i.e. CANCER) and that my entire thyroid had to be removed (as opposed to just the right side). I now had two large scars on my neck with the first being to fuse my vertabre on C3, C4, and C5 and now to remove my entire thyroid along with the maligant tumor.
I did everything the doctors told me, including radiological/iodine therapy, and had follow up scans/tests. After the surgery, and prior to having the radiological/iodine therapy, I was (wholly) without ANY thyroid medication and my well being took a nosedive (i.e. physically, mentally, emotionally, etc.). To say I was "sick" would be an injustice to my illness. I suffered as I had never suffered before in every way humanly imaginable. Those (approximately) two months were pure...hell and I have no idea how I was able to endure as this disease/illness tested me and (literally) brought me to my knees and pained me to my very...soul.