What are the things that terrify me the most? There are many things that scare me the most. Eight legged monsters with dual fangs in the front crawling on me at any given moment rev my heartbeat up to a gazillion beats. Is that even a word? When I am eating something I do not like with my fiancé or mom present, and they are the chefs that made the dreaded recipe. This scares me deeply. Or worse, having the same women ask me if they look nice, and having every answer come out wrong. My foot tastes bad that far in my mouth. Waking up from a nightmare can scare me if I open my eyes and find out it is not, or waking up from a nightmare and finding out I was having it in the Asylum in East Bethany scares me more. Rolling Hills is the scariest building on earth. Centipedes, serial killers, and unrealistic things that go bump in the night is where the wild things are, and these things scare me.
Flying on an airplane scares me, but being a scaredy-cat and not flying also scares me. The dentist scares me, but not seeing one also scares me. Having no money panics me, but will I be happy with it? My teenage daughter dating is a scary. Wasn’t she just a premature five pound infant smaller than a Barbie only fourteen years ago? Will the boys think the way I did? Are they wrong for thinking the same way I did? Is the street safe in front of my house if my youngest crosses the road? Will my son get hurt playing football? Or worse, will my kids be just like me?
Will former classmates think poorly of me at my twentieth reunion from school? What will they think of the fact that a guy they believed would achieve major success is working in a factory with such a large family? These things alarm me to tears. Men seeing me cry scares me. Not being able to cry petrifies me even more. Having my children can scare me daily, but not having them would be like a world without air. Death, ironically, does not alarm me, but dying alone is a huge fear. My children or close family dying frightens me to sleepless nights. Life is frightening, but rollercoasters do carry a thrill. The news frightens me, and I wonder how people can do the things they do. The world terrifies me. Allowing the world to know me, and letting them know how awesome I am is one of the most frightening things I have ever known. Achieving success panics me because that means I am seen by my peers, but not being seen is scary too. I already have lived that life.
Being naked does not bother me. Not having the money to dress my children . . . is the distressing fright of things that go bump in the night. Having no music in my life, is that alive? Having a bathtub with no books to read, no milk with my cookies, no wine to share with my friends on an evening of intense discussions is terrifying. I wear glasses and have been diagnosed as being legally blind. What would the world be like for me without glasses? Would I be able to paint beautiful canvases, see light reflecting off my lover, watch my children grow, or read the stories and poetry of Edgar Allen Poe? I fear not being able to see.
I have felt fear in cities and the streets that make up the city grid. I felt thirteen weeks of fear on Paris Island, South Carolina while I trained to be a Marine. When my daughter was born premature, I felt scared. She was blue. I felt fear when surrounded by the wolves of bullies in elementary and middle school. I felt afraid when my life was almost swallowed by a downward spiral. Dealing with my ex and children’s mom respectfully and appropriately is a fear that I continuously battle from within. I do not want my children to see my actual feelings. It is not my right to be selfish. I feel afraid not having the people in my life who reached out a hand when I needed them most, and pulled me from oblivion. I felt more afraid when I thought nobody was there. I felt scared for what my father did to me, my sisters, and my mother, I feel more scared to what I would like to do to him now. I fear the statement that a president once stated of the only thing to fear is fear itself. I fear it because without it how do I stay awake? How do I stay on course?
There are many things in life that terrorize me the most. Another adult hurting my child, not having my fiancé in my life, not finding success on reaching my ultimate goal of attaining an education are all top fears in my life. Losing a limb, losing my vision, and dying from a painful disease or some other excruciating way petrifies me immensely. All of the things I have talked about scare me. I fear not leaving my mark in the world my children will live in. What terrifies me the most? Going back to being the person I was years ago is the thing I fear most. I fear the world not getting the chance to see who I have become and am still becoming. I do not want to hide myself any more.