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Loving The Addict

Book By: Raven Storm
Non-fiction



Loving The Addict Is based on my true story.
This book contains love, lust, sex, violence , obsession, betrayal, deceit, drug lords, drug and alcohol addiction, police chases, thievery , physical, and emotional abuse, hostage situation, and ultimately my survival .


Submitted:Oct 27, 2012    Reads: 33    Comments: 1    Likes: 1   


Page 265-285

CHAPTER 35/ Of 47

November 2005

The first moment that I realized how psychotic Jake really was and the danger I was in was after the first time that I tried to leave Jake. We had just gotten into a huge fight the night before. The day had started out like any other day. I went to work for a few hours. Work was slow so I decided to come home early. When I got home I noticed that Jake was not there, but saw that the second bedroom door was closed, which I found to be extremely odd since the door normally remained open. I set my things down and opened the door. I went in and turned on the light . Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. But I noticed under the bed was a big box that hadn't been there before. I pulled the box out and set it on top of the bed. I could hardly believe my eyes. There were pictures of Jake and a dark haired woman. Envelopes and mail addressed to that same person whose mail I found months prior in his gym bag Raven Vandeveer. All sorts of personal papers, an I.D. with her photo and name on it, a social security card and driver's license . I couldn't help but notice how similar she and I looked. As I rummaged through the box I found keys, phone numbers, pictures of her with her kids, and a gold wedding band in a plastic bag. This left me puzzled. What was Jake doing with all these things , and who was Raven Vandeveer to Jake? I grabbed the box and brought it into the living room. I couldn't wait for Jake to walk through the door. I wanted an explanation why he had these things. Who was Raven? And why he hid them from me in this box ? I continued going through the box. My heart jumped into my throat. There it was in a folder covered by a piece of paper. A marriage license for a Jake Cunningham and a Raven Vandeveer dated August 25, 2005. I felt sick inside and fell to my knees. The room started to spin. I had to cover my mouth to not be sick. I could feel all the blood drain from my body. Jake was married to another woman and living with me. At that moment I remembered the fight we had back in August when he disappeared for over a week. I got up and felt my knees go weak. I sat on the couch and waited for Jake to walk through the door.

Jake came home. I threw the license and her I.D. card at him. Terror came over his face. All I could do was scream YOUR MARRIED?

Jake grabbed the box and threw it into the hallway.

WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?

YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHERE I FOUND IT.

THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS AND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH US.

WHAT," YOU'RE MARRYING ANOTHER WOMAN HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH US? ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME? YOU LYING BASTARD . I WANT YOU OUT OF HERE

I LIVE HERE

NOT ANYMORE , I WANT YOU TO TAKE YOUR SHIT AND GET OUT .

Jake grabbed me by the arm and began shaking me. I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE , he said. I pulled away and screamed," WHERE'S YOUR WIFE? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? EVERYTHING YOU EVER SAID TO ME IS A LIE, EVERYTIME YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU LOVED ME YOU LIED. EVERYTIME YOU MADE LOVE TO ME WAS A LIE.

I NEVER LIED TO YOU BRENDA. I DO LOVE YOU, NOTHING'S CHANGED.

YOUR MARRIED JAKE. TO ANOTHER WOMAN AND TRIED TO HIDE IT FROM ME

BECAUSE THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH US.

IS THIS WHERE YOU'VE BEEN GOING EVERYTIME YOU DISAPPEAR ? TO HER? TO YOUR WIFE?

NO. You don't understand

TELL ME JAKE. MAKE ME UNDERSTAND HOW YOU COULD DO THIS TO ME? MAKE ME UNDERSTAND HOW YOU CAN SHARE MY BED,LIVE WITH ME ,AND BE MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE?

Jake sat on the couch. Brenda I met Raven at The Beer Barrel Bar months ago. I've known her for years. Raven and her three kids live a few blocks from here. Is this why you wanted to move to Ironhill? No. Raven is in love with Kevin a.k.a. Zander.

WHO THE HELL IS ZANDER?

Raven's sugar daddy

HER WHAT?

SHUT UP AND LISTEN.

DON'T YOU TELL ME TO SHUT UP. THE DAYS OF YOU TELLING ME WHAT TO DO ARE OVER.

Jake flew across the cocktail table and wrapped his hands around my throat. The loud commotion must have been heard downstairs because Tony started pounding on the door. Brenda are you okay? He could hear things being thrown in the apartment and yelling. I grabbed something off the counter and hit Jake with it hard enough so he let me go. I ran for the door . Jake grabbed my arm and threw me into the wall. YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE. Jake tried to lead me back to the living room when I pulled away from him throwing me into the counter of the kitchen. A glass crystal bowl shattered on the floor. I screamed LET GO OF ME, GET AWAY FROM ME. Before I knew it Stone County Police were at my door. Jake was arrested for Domestic Battery. He begged me not to press charges but I told the police that this was not the first time Jake hit me or attacked me. Jake was handcuffed and taken outside. I lifted my shirt and the officer took pictures of the bruises on my arms, neck , and back. They told me upon his release there would be a no contact order against him which meant that he could not come back to the apartment.

After they left I cleaned up the apartment and all the glass. I noticed that Jake's phone was on the table in the living room. I immediately went through all his calls, texts, and messages. I called Kelly and told her what happened. That's when she told me she knew about Raven and Jake but not that they had gotten married. That was a shock to her too. She also went on to say that she thought they were over especially since he had me move out here. Here was a woman who claimed to be my friend and kept this secret from me. I couldn't talk to her anymore I was so upset I hung up on her.

I felt betrayed by all I knew and trusted.

Dan came over to check on me after hearing what Jake did. That night I found out the real truth about Raven from him. The story I was told was somewhat of what Jake said but barely.

Raven was a bartender who worked at The Beer Barrel Bar, who also used to date Dan. She was connected to one of the biggest drug dealers in town. So much so that he paid for her house, her truck, everything. He was literally her sugar daddy, whom she was madly in love with. Only problem was that Kevin was married with three kids of his own, and not about to leave his family for the piece of trash crack whore Raven was. Kevin hired Jake to be a drug runner and work with Raven. The night I left him and wouldn't speak to him he and Raven got high on $400 dollar crack rocks which they smoked through a propane torch at Kevin's shop. Raven was already fighting with Kevin because he wouldn't leave his wife Carrie. Both decided that night they would do something to piss off Kevin and agreed to get married. They went to the courthouse in shorts , tank tops and flip flops and got married. After the high was over and they realized what they did Raven left for Missouri and Jake went back to Kelly and Nate's , neither saying a word. Raven was known as the town tramp. She had been tossed around more times than a Chicago Bears Football. I had heard enough. The more Dan spoke the sicker I felt. After Dan left I packed up most of Jake's things and left them by the front door. There was nothing that he could say or do to fix any of this. It was broken, we were broken.

Jake must have had someone watching the apartment because that is the only way I can think of that he found out I was leaving. I packed a bag and had planned to leave Jake. My plan was I would lock up the apartment and go back home to my family. I needed my mom and her help. Jake kept trying to call to talk to me. He had his step dad, grandpa, and mom , call me to hear him out. Always the same message. Tell her I'm sorry and I love her. I had no Intention of bailing him out. I even told her to have him call his wife to bail him out.

Brenda my son doesn't want to be with Raven, he wants to be with you. Even she knew about Raven. Everyone but me until now. She went on to say that Jake was supposed to call her around eight o'clock . I'll call you on three way so you can talk to him. Brenda Jake loves you .

I have to go Cheryl. I'll talk to you later

I felt numb , shattered inside. My entire relationship with Jake was a lie. How could I forgive what he did? As I walked around my apartment , it no longer felt like home. I knew I had to leave. I went for a walk downstairs and ran into Scott.

I was just coming up to see you he said. Are you ok?

NO Scott I'm not

I know he said, I'm sorry Brenda I should have told you before you moved out here. Jake swore to me he loved you and wanted you out here with him.

And his wife?

Brenda Raven is nothing but a crack whore. Jake doesn't love her. He loves the drugs she gets him. THEY GET HIGH TOGETHER THAT'S IT..

YOU KNOW WHAT SCOTT , I REALLY DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

YES YOU DO BRENDA. YOU LOVE JAKE AND YOU WILL FORGIVE HIIM, AND HE'LL COME BACK AND THINGS WILL BE BACK JUST THE WAY THEY WERE.

Not this time Scott. I'M DONE, LET HIM HAVE HIS CRACK WHORE. HE MADE HIS BED, NOW HE HAS TO LYE IN IT.

If you need anything let me know okay? Misty and I are here for you.

Okay , thanks Scott

You going to be okay here by yourself?

Yeah I have some things I need to take care of . I'm going back home in the morning. I have to get out of here. Scott stopped , stood right in front of me. Brenda he said JAKE WILL NEVER LET YOU GO.

REALLY. Well it will be a little hard for him to stop me since he's sitting in a jail cell.

Brenda we both know you're going to drop the charges.

Not this time

We'll see Brenda

Scott left, I went back inside. I sat there watching the clock. 8:47 pm Cheryl called me.

Hey Brenda its Cheryl Jake's mom . I just wanted you to let you know that Jake made bail tonight and he's out of jail.

Who bailed him out?

His friend Nick. He wanted me to tell you that he loves you, and he's sorry he hit you. Not knowing where Jake was made me feel very uneasy. How Jake knew that I was planning on leaving him still remains a mystery especially since he was not on speaking terms with Scott and Misty. They got into a huge fight over some cocaine that Jake said he could get them and never did. I didn't sleep that night. Every car that pulled up, every door that slammed shut I jumped thinking it was Jake. I was no longer safe in my home. I had gotten myself ready to leave .Loaded up the trunk with my bags. I got into the driver's seat and noticed something in the backseat covered with a grocery bag. I got out, opened the backseat door and lifted the bag. There laying in the backseat covered in blood was the head of a dead dog. I screamed so loud and shut the door shaking uncontrollably. My phone went off with a text showing me a picture of my dog Shylow back home in the yard.

The text read:

I SUGGEST YOU PUT THE BAGS BACK INTO THE APARTMENT OR THE NEXT TIME YOU TRY TO LEAVE ME IT WILL BE SHYLOW'S HEAD LAYING IN THE BACKSEAT.

I trembled in fear and felt helpless.

Text number two came:

I WOULDN'T CALL THE POLICE IF I WAS YOU

BE A GOOD GIRL, GO BACK INTO THE APRTMENT, LOCK THE DOOR AND WAIT FOR MY CALL.

Text number three came:

I WILL NEVER LET YOU GO !!!!!!!!!!

I took my bags out of the truck and went back upstairs. I was so frightened. I sat on the couch watching my phone, waiting for it to ring. I was a prisoner, I couldn't leave , but I couldn't stay either. Jake called from a blocked number.

Are you home?

Yes

Good, I want a roast for dinner with carrots and onions, baked potatoes, a bottle of merlot, and cinnamon rolls for dessert. You will have forty-five minutes to go to the store and pick up what you need If you try to leave or stop somewhere else. I'll kill your dog . Do you understand?

Yes Jake I understand. I can't drive the truck with that thing in there.

Don't worry, by the time you get down to the truck the head will be gone.

My hands began to shake. I walked down slowly to the truck. Opened the door , the bag was gone. Where the bag was, laid a single red rose and a note. I LOVE YOU ALWAYS …TIL DEATH DO US PART.

I could feel eyes watching me. Jake could have been hiding anywhere. I started the truck and drove down the block to the Jewel to pick up the food he wanted for dinner. Pictures of Shylow kept coming to my phone. Jake had someone down there watching my dog in the yard to make sure that I followed what he said and didn't leave. When I got back home from the store Jake was still not there. I put some of the groceries away and started cooking. Text after text kept coming in with Jake's demands. What he wanted me to be wearing when he came home, how he wanted the table set, etc. I felt like a fox in a hunt. I had no idea what to expect from Jake when he got home. While waiting I went downstairs to see Tony. I explained to him that if he heard any shouting or fighting coming from the apartment to call the police immediately . He assured me that he would.

I quickly hurried back upstairs , luckily just in time to get Jake's call. I'm on my way he said , I'll see you soon. I went into the bedroom to change into the black nightie he demanded I wear. Dinner was ready. I poured myself a glass of wine and waited. I heard the key in the door and the knob turn. Jake walked in. He had a bouquet of red roses in his hand and a teddy bear that read I Love You. Jake hugged me and gave me a kiss.

These are for you my love he said

Thank you they're beautiful

I took the flowers and put them in a vase with some water. Jake came from behind me and put his arms around me. I trembled with his touch.

You look beautiful he said as he swept my hair away from my neck. I felt Jake's lips on my neck and shoulders. HIs grip was tight around my waist.

Do you know how much I love you Brenda?

No

Do you know how upset I was when I heard you were planning on leaving me he whispered.

If you ever try to leave me again ,"I'll Kill You" , Do you understand me?

Your mine Brenda Jake whispered "till death do us part".

Jake let go of me ,and went into the bedroom to change his clothes into something more comfortable.

Is dinner ready he asked?

Yes I'll get it

Jake went into the dining room. I took out the roast from the oven and put it on a platter with the potatoes.

Looks good he said

Jake poured the wine as I served up his plate. My hands shook as I passed the plate to him

Relax babe he said, I'm not going to hurt you.

Do you know how betrayed I felt when you had me arrested last night Brenda?

No

The one person I thought I could always count on and trust , betrayed me in the worse possible way.

I BETRAYED YOU. YOU LIED TO ME, MARRIED ANOTHER WOMAN, HIT ME , PUT A DEAD DOG'S HEAD IN MY TRUCK TO FORCE ME TO STAY HERE WITH YOU , YOU THREATEN TO KILL ME IF I EVER LEAVE YOU OR WORSE HURT MY FAMILY OR MISCHIEF, AND I BETRAYED YOU?

Jake threw his plate across the room.. The plate smashed hitting the wall. Jake got up , pulled me from my seat and threw me to the floor. LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO. PICK IT UP, EVERY BIT. Jake stood there as I picked up the food and broken glass from the floor. Get up he said, tears rolled down my face. Jake kissed my cheek. Go wash your face and clean yourself up. Then bring me another plate.

The rest of the night we spoke in silence. I stayed in the bedroom away from him. Jake fell asleep in the living room that night. I was so scared that I slept with the door locked. That was the night I realized the danger I was really in.

When I woke Jake was gone and so was my truck.

Jake had left me stranded without wheels . I couldn't go anywhere or for that matter leave. Jake had turned our once happy home into a prison where I was no longer free. Even the cash from my wallet was gone.

That morning Jake called telling me he would be gone for a few days that I needed to be taught a lesson. This was my punishment for trying to leave him. I didn't know what to do. If I reported the truck stolen then the police would have to contact my mom which meant that I would have to tell her everything that was going on between Jake and I, and I wasn't ready to do that. So when she called I pretended everything was ok. Because I missed so many days of work I was fired. Inside I was screaming for help but couldn't tell anyone. I tried to reason with Jake and call him but he only got angrier and stayed away longer. Everyone called Jake , trying to get through to him to come back home. Nate, Kelly. Scott, but no luck. All I could do was sit and wait for his return, whenever that would be.

After the fourth day of being held prisoner . The police came to my door telling me that they found my truck abandoned on Route 76 near Newark and that Jake had been arrested for drunk driving, driving while intoxicated and without a state license. They informed me that he had been taken to Piper County Jail and that I needed to go get my truck. As luck would have it, Dan and his brother Vince pulled up. Dan told the officers he would drive me to where my truck was at. That he wanted to talk to me. We drove forever down Route 76 . I had just about given up when we came across my truck in the cornfield. I got out and saw that the keys were still in the ignition. Beer bottles everywhere, the whole inside was trashed. Vince and Dan cleaned it out before I drove it home. I was so upset and crying that Dan took the keys out of my hand and told me he would drive me home. Vince followed.

Dan went on to tell me that the reason Jake has been acting so crazy is that Jake found out that Raven was up here with some guy named T. J. He got all upset that she wouldn't spot him any drugs like she used to do or talk to him. Jake called the police saying that T. J. was holding her against her will.

Like Jake did to me for the past four days?

Brenda the guy is out of his mind. He loves you

That's not love Dan , the man is psychotic. I just want to get my truck and go home.

You can't leave Jake in jail Brenda. He fucked up and he knows it.

How do you know?

He told me. Why do you think we came over to see if you were okay?

So where is Raven now?

With T. J. that's who she wants to be with. Raven plays Jake .She uses him Brenda to do things for her and gets him into trouble. She says run and he does, then she throws him away.

And comes running back to me.

It's fucked up babe I know , He's sorry Brenda. Do you love him?

Yes I love him but it doesn't change anything. The damage is done.

Ok. Let's go get your man out of jail. I'll talk to him Brenda I promise.

There was no fighting it. I was helpless in this situation and alone. No one out here cared what was really happening. I was in Jake's territory , with Jake's friends. Dan was different. He was always on my side and hated the way Jake treated me. We got to the jail and paid Jake's bail. Dan went in with the money . Two hours later Jake was released. He was shocked to see me. Dan told him I bailed him out.

Dan can I have a minute with my woman?

Sure I'll be right back

Baby I don't know what to even say to you. I fucked up, I'm sorry. Jake started to cry . I don't blame you for hating me.

I don't hate you Jake.

I just want to go home, I just want to be with you. Will you let me come home? Please, Please Brenda? I need you to forgive me for what I said and did to you. I would never truly hurt you Brenda you have to know that.

At the time Jake's apology seemed so sincere, but it would only be a matter of time before he was back to the old Jake.

Jake was getting a lot of calls regarding Raven the past few days. Things she was doing, places she was going, and people she was hanging out with. As hard as Jake tried to convince me that he had no feelings for her, this would be the day that all changed. Jake was going crazy with all the stories he was hearing about his wife. Jake knew that she was in real trouble. Her kids had been taken away by the department of human services. Her older daughter Josslyn went to live with her father and step mother, Gavin was sent to live with his father and Fenix was sent to Missouri to live with her grandmother. Raven was in a very bad place mentally and emotionally. Kevin had up and abandoned her. He cut her off without a dime causing her to lose her house and truck. Jake felt helpless and wanted to help her but the last thing that she wanted was help especially from Jake. They would have screaming matches on the phone. It was like nothing I had ever seen. I felt bad for her and him. He asked me if there was anything we could do to help her. But what Raven needed was rehab. She was so addicted to crack cocaine and heroin that was all she cared about, her next high. She told Jake he was a mistake that she never cared about him. The only reason she married him was to make Kevin jealous and piss him off enough to leave his wife, which he never did. She then went on to say she wanted a divorce and for Jake to leave her alone. I felt like the other woman as if Jake was cheating on her with me when it was the other way around. I was hurt and confused.

Jake would talk to me about Raven as if we were talking about any other person. No matter how hard he tried to make it up to me there were not enough words to make this go away. My faith in Jake tarnished and the bond we once shared was broken. No matter how hard I tried I could not get past the fact that he married someone else. This caused a lot of discord with us. Jake felt I should get over it and move on and forget about it but that was not about to happen anytime soon. The funny thing was Raven knew all about me and was even happy for us., so she said. Jake had even hoped we could be friends at some point as twisted and deranged as that sounds.

Raven knew how to push Jakes buttons. She was the lady who cried wolf. Only when she wanted something from Jake did she play the wife card. Whenever Raven called ,Jake jumped. This woman was always in need of something and Jake jumped each and every time This made for a lot of fights between Jake and I. I was always the bad guy. Everything that did or did not happen was always my fault. This was proven when I forgot to give Jake a message that Raven had called and needed his help. Something she did a lot of. I had gone out with Kelly and completely forgotten about her calling. When I returned home Jake asked me if Raven called? I told him yes that I forgot to tell him. Jake saw red thinking that I did not give him the message on purpose. What happened next I did not see coming. I was putting the packages in the bedroom when he stormed into the room screaming at me. He was furious in a rage that I had never seen before. Screaming YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY TO NOT TELL ME MY WIFE CALLED?

No Jake I told you I forgot.

This made him even angrier. Jake knocked the bags out of my hand and shook me hard. I screamed for him to LET ME GO. Jake raised his hand and smacked me across the face , then punched me in the stomach with his fist causing me to fall onto the floor. After realizing what he did Jake tried to come near me.

GET AWAY FROM ME, I yelled.

Jake could see blood coming from my lip and got me a towel. Here Baby Fuck Brenda look at me. I ran into the bathroom and called the police. Jake stood outside the door begging for me to not call the police. But this time I did not listen. I got up and looked into the mirror and saw the blood smeared on my face. By the time the police arrived Jake was gone. He waited two days then came home. By this time my apartment looked like a funeral parlor. Flowers everywhere, cards, candy, letters, anything and everything to show how sorry he was. Jake never left my side. I think he was afraid of what I might say or do. It's amazing how fast love turns to hate . This was the night I put a plan in motion to leave Jake once and for all.

Whenever Jake and I would fight he would run to Raven, but as soon as the drugs were gone and the fighting started he would run back to me. It was an endless cycle.

Jake walked around the apartment as if he were walking on eggshells or glass. He was on his best behavior. Weeks had gone by without a single fight. Raven had stopped calling things were going well. Jake was finally getting some peace of mind without all the drama of Raven. We were getting along so well that he wanted us to spend Thanksgiving together . I told him that I would think about it and let him know. The last thing I wanted was anyone thinking that we were happy together. That was the farthest from the truth. Each day I stayed with Jake the hate inside me grew more and more. Jake and I were no longer sharing a bed. I had moved all of his things into the second bedroom . We lived as roommates which Jake hated. I grew cold and distant. The love I felt turned into something I did not recognize.

Jake could barely look at me as the days went by. He used to say "Something in your eyes has died." I no longer looked at Jake as someone I loved but someone I feared. Jake was beside himself. He didn't know what to do to make things right, so he called Kelly.

Jake explained to her what happened between us and that he needed her help to try to make things right again with us. That evening we went over to Nate and Kelly's. Kelly was mortified when she saw me. She had a hard time believing that Jake could do this to me. Nate came into the room and saw my face. He couldn't even look me in the eye. Nate took Jake down to the basement . Kelly stayed upstairs in the apartment with me.

Brenda she said," Are you okay?

That was all it took. I placed my head in my hands and started to cry. Kelly came next to me and wrapped her arms around to console me. Brenda, why didn't you tell me what was going on?

I couldn't I was scared and afraid what Jake would do if he ever found out I told you.

Brenda, you got to get away from him.

I tried Kelly, he won't let me go. You have no idea what he did when I tried leaving him. He told me if I ever tried leaving again he would kill me.

OMG Brenda, Nate and I have to do something to get you away from him. You're my sister I can't lose you she shrieked. I'm so sorry Brenda I feel like this is my entire fault I pushed you to move out here to be with Jake. I just can't believe he did this to you. Jake called me a few days ago and said you two got into a fight and were barely speaking , but his version was nothing compared to what you're telling me. All he said was that he was ashamed of what he did and how he treated you.

Kelly I don't know what to do? I can't live like this anymore.

Have you told anyone? Your mom ?

I can't tell her Kelly she will be so upset and I'm scared what Jake will do if she did find out. He doesn't let me talk to her as is, this would only make things worse. I wish she was here though.

I know you do sweetie

Jake and Nate entered the room. You guys alright?

Yes said Kelly

Nate had this brilliant idea after talking to Jake that they should get a small bag of coke and talk things out. Kelly piped up and told Nate this may not be the right time. Nate went on to say that he felt that with him and Kelly there we might feel more comfortable talking to each other. It was a good idea at the time but one I would soon regret. Jake was all for it. Anything to make things better between us Brenda.

As the night progressed the couple counseling began. Jake confessed how hard this all has been on him, with regards to us and his unruly situation with Raven. He was torn between us both. As hard as he tried to fight it and hide from it, he had feelings for Raven. He went on to say that he cared about her, and wanted to help her. He worried about her and her erratic behavior and all the drugs she was doing. He feared that something horrible was going to happen to her if he didn't help her. But that he needed me and loved me more than life itself. Jake apologized for hurting me , that he would give anything to erase what he did to have us back again, He apologized for the lies and shattering my trust in him.

I sat there speechless listening to Jake speak. I know that I shouldn't; have listened to Jake's words or accepted his apology, but it wasn't as simple as just walking away . I lived with this man, something I knew was not about to change anytime soon. I was trapped until Jake would let me go, or find another place to live.

Jake looked me dead in the eyes begging me to please forgive him, promising he would never lift a finger to me again. Not knowing what to say, I was at a loss for words. I picked myself up and headed to the bathroom. I splashed cold water on my face, and stood looking at myself in the mirror. I could hardly recognize the person looking back. Who was the woman standing there? Where did the Brenda I knew go? Was this going to be my life forever? I could hear Jake's voice speaking, saying she will never forgive me. I don't want to lose her. I did still love Jake, but was it enough to forget all the things that happened

I could hear Nate telling Jake that he had to get off the drugs. That the drugs were ruining our relationship. Kelly knocked on the door to see if I was alright. I opened the door. Jake's eyes faced towards me. He could see the pain in my eyes.

Baby are you okay?

I'm fine I responded

No you're not Brenda , and it's my entire fault. I'm going to make things right with us Bren I promise. Just please give me the chance to make all this up to you? The room got quiet, everyone waiting for my response. Jake put his arms around me and I hugged him back. Until I found another way to get away the only thing I could do was go along with what Jake wanted.





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