Yesterday was a little bit heart wrenching, but here it goes. After Sean admitted that he really likes me a lot, things changed then. Early yesterday, Sean told me he knows that I want a nice guy, a decent relationship. He understands that. Then he stopped messaging because he was at work. During the next hours before six in the evening, I thought and thought. Usually Aaron would message me throughout the day and night, asking me what i'm up to and if we could hang out together. But he didn't. And it got me thinking of the possibillities of everything.
Before, we would ask or quiz each other on favorite things and telling the truth. Aaron had told me that i had nothing to worry about because he doesn't cheat or lie. Me being naive then, I fell for that...again. I fell for that four times and each time, I always ended up being left with aching and sadness-I'm sure there are others out there who have felt that before. I've also fallen into the I Love You trap once, turned out the guy was only after one thing. But I'll tell about that in the next story. And while I thought it all over, I thought of how Sean acted towards me before I began to talk to other guys. Then, he was funny, talkative, and would manage to get me to smile. After I began to communicate with other guys who were interested in me-not all at the same time-, Sean then began to argue with me and not message for long periods of time.
I asked a question directed at both of them. At first I kept hesitating about sending it to Sean and Aaron, but I did. The question to them both was basically the same, but worded differently just slightly. "Do you see me as a possible girlfriend, a friend and co worker, or just in a sexual way?", sent that to Sean. And I hesitated even more before sending the message to Aaron:" Do you see me as your girlfriend or just in a sexual way?" and I sent it.
Yes, that could have been a dumb move, but I had my reason to ask Aaron. You see, each time we talked, he would ask me to send him a nude pic if I wanted to. And when we would be alone, well, things would lead near the sex border, but we didn't go that far.
I did get a response based on my question stated to both of them. Sean was the only one to answer the question, and Aaron ignored it and never messaged back again. And I knew-had the distinct feeling that he was probably not interested in me as just a girlfriend in the first place. While thinking it over, I could only come to the conclusion that he used me. He could've been flirting with other girls online and offline when I wasn't around-even though he claimed he didn't. But did I believe him? Yes, I believed him that he didn't flirt with other girls behind my back. On the site we met on, he had his status still as Single, while I felt like I was played with my status being In A Relationship. Ahh, I felt like such an idiot. I swear,haha.
"You're a possible gf," was Sean's response to the question. Around night, I sat outside on the propane tank, listened to my MP3, and watched the moon rise and the stars appear, lost in deep thought about my love life and why it always ends the same way. I always make the mistake of trusting and believing every word promised to me. With the first guy, I trusted him until he dumped me for my little sister. The second guy told me he loved me and I fell for it until he cheated. Third guy was a psycho. And the fourth one before Aaron had told me he loved me so many times that I fell for it again. But he would go out partying with other girls, go out drinking, and he didn't want to be out in public with me. And then Aaron, I fell for it when he told me he really likes me a lot. And now, my final thought on it all when I was watching the moon rise, is that I don't want to be hurt again. All I really want in a relationship is to be happy. To have a nice guy who will care and actually mean what he says. I made an oath to myself that I wouldn't ever fall for the I Love You statements, and that I won't fall for the charming words that are always spoken to me and then followed with the I Promise or I'm Telling the Truth. Because the guy will be lying.
I do want a nice relationship, but it's a difficult thing to seek. And as for Sean, I'm not sure whether I should believe him when he says he really likes me. Should I trust him and believe everything he says to me? I'm thinking of giving him a chance, to see where it goes. He has sung songs for me and sent them to my phone, which always make me smile. He sends me pics when he can without asking me and he understands why I want to have a nice relationship. And even when he and I would argue and fight over the phone, mainly about a guy I talk to, he will be angry with me and not talk for awhile. But he'd always message me back later or send me a song he sings. And judging by the choice of songs he sings to me, he could be sending a message. Out of this, Sean does mean a lot to me. He's an amazing friend and he knows me. Is he the guy that I shouldn't ignore? Or is he just after the only thing that all the other guys were lusting for? I messaged Sean around twelve in the morning," Goodnight Sean. I just wanted to say that you are an amazing friend:) I'm glad to have you in my life. You're awesome. Thanks:)"