This isn't a short story, or a poem, this is just me needing to get something off my chest, cause right now it has me in tears, and my eyes feel swollen, and there is a pain so bad in a my chest that it feels like someone is punching me from the inside out.
I never realized it before, never let myself admit that it was real, that he means so much more to me than i thought he did.
I wouldn't be crying if he didn't.
When he asked me out i was happy, much more so than even i knew.
You see we have a past.
He was my first.
My first everything.
My first boyfriend.
My first love.
I gave him something that i can't take back.
Something that i didn't realize till now.
There is a song that says it perfecly " I always knew that you'd come back to get me, and you always knew that it wouldn't be easy".
Than i disappeared from his life.
For 4 1/2 years i didn't talk to him.
Than less that a year ago we started talking again.
And than we starting hanging out.
Talking to eachother till sometimes 5 or 6 am.
Hours of endless conversations, that went absolutely no where.
Just to listen to the sound of his voice.
I knew he was leaving for a while.
I knew it when than and i know it now.
And i always pretended that it didn't bother me.
That it didn't mean anything to me.
That it would have no effect on me what so ever.
He told me yesterday that he misses me when he doens't see me, even the second after i am gone, than he misses holding me close, and being near me,and my smile that lights him up from the inside with its warmth, and that he just wanted to tell me that he loves me.
I had never said those words back to him.
I have never said anything even along them.
Cause i am so afraid.
To admit that i might actually care for him, in a way that lets him hurt me.
Giving him the power to hurt me.
I saw him today and he told me that he loved me and i said i know.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Thinking of not being able to see him, tore a hole in my chest that i never thought it would.
I was sitting here, listening to music and all of a sudden tears started to well in my eyes.
I told him that i was thinking that about how much i would miss him when he was gone,
and that i was crying just thinking about it.
He begged me not to cry.....
But, i can't help it.
I might never get the strength to tell him this.
But i love him.