THE DARK DAYS; BABINSKY252
I’m sitting in my room right now, it is darker than what it is outside and it is in the middle of the day. I’m sitting in my bed, thinking about life, thinking about why we should live, why I should live. It’s one of those days again, the dark days as I call them, they come less often now than what they used to. Now they just stop by when I’ve had enough, enough of the bills coming in and all the money going out, enough of all the struggle to just get through one day without feeling sick or having pain. Today is one of those days… My mom always says it will sort itself out for good girls, but I lost faith in Karma, every day I try to do my best, and be my best, for my friends, family, school… But I’ve always had what you could call bad luck I guess… Nine out of ten days I’m fine, I’m strong and I can handle whatever the world throw at me, but not today. Today I feel weak, drained of energy; I’ve lost my love for life. So what’s the point? If God exist, why does he feel the need to always challenge me? I once read “God gives the hardest battles to his strongest soldiers”, but if this is true, why do I feel so weak? Why does he not at least give me the strength to fight this battle instead of the feeling of giving up before I even started to fight?
Depression, they called it, the doctors, government and the society. All my dark days could fit into one single word, how is that possible that all my feelings, my sadness, tears and anger into a ten letter word? No that cannot be for me. They wanted me to go to a psychologist, a shrink which is the common word… Several doctors, independently of each other, advised me to do it, to talk about what I was going through... But I couldn’t, I wasn’t ready to realize that I actually had a problem, that crying yourself to sleep night after night, feeling that you at an age of 18 already have lived too long, always being tired and lacking energy was in fact not normal. Should have seen it coming though after having a miscarriage at 16,finding out I’m not likely to have children of my own at 18, always being sick, gained 20 pounds, constantly stressed out and worried about my family and not being in the most loving relationship can kind of do that to a person I guess.
But here I’m sitting now, in my dark room, in the middle of the day and all I feel is sadness. Why now? I’m done with all that, the last year since I broke up with my boyfriend has been pretty great, I started loving life again, loving myself again. I’ve moved to a different country, started a new school, an entire new life by myself, but still, today is just one of those days where I’m not inspired by “Anything is possible if you just believe” quotes and so… Today everything is dark, not just my room or my clothes, but my mind as well. It keeps going back to the day 4 years ago, when I failed to get my driver’s license, it was the last drop to overflow the cup and everything came pouring out, all the emotions and disappointment I had over myself; I was a failure and my family, boyfriend and friends would be better off without me. So I wrote them a letter. I told them how much I cared for them, how much I loved them and how I did not deserve to have them in my life. I begged for their understanding and forgiveness and explained how they would be better off without me in their lives. I wrote the letter with the knife beside me, finally I would be free. As I sat there in my bed writing, with the rain pouring down outside, I started crying because there would be no more memories with them and I asked, either myself or God I guess, if it was really right and my pen stopped working, and I could not find another one. For me that was a sign. A sign to get up and fight. So I did, and I’ve been doing it ever since.
I started exercising, prioritizing, said no to people because I can’t please everyone at once and so the dark days started to visit me less. But still once in a while they come to visit, not in packs of weeks and months anymore, but they visit me single now, from time to time, and when they do I now know it is okay to call home and tell my mom I have a bad day and she will encourage me to keep fighting. The thing about darkness is that it cannot exist where there is a lot of light. So that’s what I do, I look for those light spots in my life and I let them grow and fight the darkness within me. Because today is just one of those days.