Today has been a rather up and down day today. We went grocery shopping, which was lovely because we managed to buy all of our groceries, fish and meat for under £30! Sadly I had a rather large wobble with the hijab because I woke up feeling all right and then felt as if I couldn't bear to wear the hijab today. I did wear it in the end and felt a bit better for it, but I am still worried about my wobble. I know I said that I'd wear it for a month and then see how I felt, but to be honest I'm beginning to seriously ponder the future of my hijab and I.
After I got home from shopping with my partner, I found a post that upset me. I fasted yesterday, as you know, and posted about it on Facebook. One of my former friends posted a meme (apparently that's a photo with a funny caption, personally I don't use them) that said "Guess what? Nobody gives a f**k" and then sent me another one over private message saying "And nobody gave a f**k that day" before trying to salvage the situation by sending a photo of a kitten wearing the hijab with the caption "See? Even cats wear hijab". Now, I'm not usually one to get riled by photos, but these were truly offensive and I felt angry that a friend of mine - who, by the way, is homosexual - would do such a thing.
Sadly, this incident has now left me at a crossroads. I do not regret my decision to accept Islam and to become a Muslim, but I am worried about the future. If I continue to practice openly, I worry that I will lose more friends and become outcast once again, and I always promised myself that no matter what I would never go back to the dark times when I hated everything and everyone, including myself, and self-harmed so severely that the few friends I had were worried for my mental health. It was a terrible time and I would hate to go back there, but that's what I fear is going to happen.
I will pray to Allah (swt) and I hope he guides me, and I hope you will all pray for me too - I think I'll need it after today. One quote that I will always remember is this: "Sometimes the one who has been strong for others needs someone to be strong for them" and it's so true. I need someone to be strong for me while I get my feet under me, and then insha'Allah I can become stronger. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day - I have my second day of volunteer training and then a lecture. I also have sister's circle at 6:30 pm (GMT) which I can't wait for - I can talk to all my sisters at university and try to find some strength.