A Crack In The Moon
I don't know how to say this but I have to get it out somehow, my friends can't help, my family can't help, it's much easier to tell a stranger, strangers don't judge, how can they? They can't.
My name is Memo, Memo Note, I know this is a very funny name, I don't know why my family gave me this name but I guess they thought it was quite funny, even in high school they think it's quite funny.
I was at my locker early in the morning to get my books for English class (I am in the 9th grade) I saw this girl who looked like she was upset about something, but I didn't ask, I didn't want to because it could make her remember if she is trying to forget so I said hello, she looked at me and smiled, I looked straight at her, her face was so beautiful. She looked at me as if she was not sure if I said hello to her, she smiled and walked away, I just gentility banged my head against the locker thinking how stupid I was.
It was my first day, I didn't know anyone and nobody knew me, I walked over to my English class and that's when I saw her in the back, the locker girl, the teacher welcomed me and introduced me to the class. He told me that I should sit next to Sophia because she is also new, as I walked over to her desk in the back row I saw an angry/jealous look on a jocks face, maybe he wanted to sit next to her.
I was at the desk next to her, I smiled at her because she smiled at me 10 minutes ago and I thought it would be the nice thing to do because I, months ago I changed schools because I as in love with this girl, we dated for a year until she broke up with me because I am "Nothing Special" It was all too hard for me that my dad Bill, my mother River and my eldest brother all agreed to change school. To this date it is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me, but why does it hurt me so much.
We got started on the work the English teacher set out when she asked for my name, that's when I started to stutter
"Me...Mo...Memo" I stuttered
She giggled "It's nice to meet you "Me...Mo...Memo "she said as a joke
It was quite for a few minutes because I was thinking of something to say, that's when I noticed a book in her bag, "High Fidelity", I love this book, it's my favourite book of all time, I pointed out the book and she told me how much she loved it, we spent the whole lesson laughing and talking about the book. I continuously noticed the jealous jock looking over his shoulder at me as we were talking. He kind of scared me.
At home that night I thought about her all the time and what I should say to her tomorrow if I see her, she is just so perfect I want to give her all of my attention but maybe I should not do that, she will think I'm a creep, I am going to sleep now I'm really tired.
It's the weekend, I'm really existed, I am meeting up with Sophia, you know the girl I met at my locker, I am not sure if I ever mentioned her name. I was walking to the shop because my dad wanted me to buy some bread when I saw her walking across the street onto the path I was walking on to, I hid my head because I didn't want her to think I was stalking her, regardless she noticed me, she seemed very happy to see me. We talked for a while before she went off; she was going to visit her grandma. She told me I should come by the "Lil old Inn" which is an old abandoned old pub.
I don't know why she would want me to come here and meet up with her but I didn't care because if I got to spend time with her it would make me feel happy.
Have I ever told you how much I love football? Not English football, American football, I know people confuse that a lot, I don't think you're stupid just I don't want you to be confused. I like to watch it, not join in; I guess you can understand why. I was at the match last night alone like I always am. I don't mind it just I like going alone because I don't have to talk to someone through the whole match and if someone is there you would have to talk to them, I mean you can't just ignore them.
As I was watching the match I noticed Sophia, she sat a few rows in front of me, I only noticed because this big guy stood up and I saw the back of her head, she has long dark hair, I know a lot of girls have this but I hope it was her, It would be really great if we shared more things in common with me.
I would tell you more, but there is nothing really to tell, the home team won, people seemed very angry, then everyone went home, I went before the match ended because I didn't want her to see me.
Tomorrow I see her, I hope this will be good, I promise to tell you everything
The weekend is over and as I promised I will tell you everything, it was 3pm I came to Lil old Inn, I waited for about 30 minutes and she did not show up, I kept reminding myself what day and time it was, and if she ever asked me at all. I started to cry, maybe she forgot, maybe it was all just a joke, I stopped myself from crying, I was about to walk off but then she came running down the street shouting my name and waving at me. She looked so beautiful.
We went into the back where there was a little hole, we both managed to get through; after we got in I followed her up this really crooked staircase. The whole place looked really scary, like a murder house I really did not want to be up here; she came up to me and said
"Promise not to tell anyone what you are about to see ok"
"ok" I replied
Then she opened an old black door.....I think I should stop writing here, she told me not to tell anyone about what's behind the door and I don't think I can tell you, don't hate me, please, it's just I don't like to break a promise, especially one as big as this, I really like you, I really do, I hope you understand. Thanks for listening.
Hey, sorry if you're angry about me not telling you what's behind the door, I wish I could. Do you like popcorn? I don't I hate it, my dad took me to a movie, I can't remember the name but it was an action movie, my dad loves those, ever since mom died. When she died all my dad ever did was rent movies and watch them all day in his room, go to work come back watch the movies, this went on for several months.
He got better after me, my brother and my sister all sat down with him and talked, I didn't do much talking because I did not know what to say, and I thought if I said the wrong thing I would upset him, so now every month we all go with him to see a movie, any movie he does not really care, as long as he is with us he smiles.
Sophia invited me to a party, isn't that great? I mean I have no idea why she is doing this, maybe she likes me? I think I should do something to show her I am interested? I don't know, I think I will let this whole thing just flow and see where it takes me because if I have a chance with her I really don't want to ruin it.
Things are getting better at school but today when I was walking through the hallway the jock, his name is Mike by the way, I just remembered, knocked me to the floor, I don't know why he did this, I thought it was an accident but he didn't even say sorry. Anyway after that was over we were in art class where this guy, I think his name was Peat was making fun of the teacher because he had one leg. now this sounds mean but it was really funny, he drew a moustache on himself and also put an eye patch on and started to say things like "aghrrr" and "ahoy matey " the teacher walked in whilst he was doing this and peat was given a detention .
A football match was on tonight, my brother asked me to come, and I said I would because I was just going to stay home and listen to music all night and think what to say to Sophia. I was at the match with my brother, it was really nice, and do you remember when I said I don't like it when people talk during the game? My brother is the same, I mean we screamed when our side won, I don't normally scream but when I am doing it with my brother I feel safe and not embarrassed because if someone came up to be then laughed my brother would stand up for me, he is that type of person. he is in college, he has 2 months until he has to go back so he came to visit his family and friends back in our home town "Little rock"
I really admire my brother, he is my role model, I hope to be like him someday, he drove me home at 22:00, we were parked in the driveway and he turned over to me and asked
"Memo, are you ok?"
"Yes, I am, why?"
"No, really you can tell me, I know you had it hard before but, if there is ever anything that is wrong please come and tell me ok?"
I nodded, he messed up my hair and told me I should get my driver's licence because it's my birthday in 2 weeks, he got out of the car and walked inside and my dad and my sister were just about to watch a movie, we sat down with them and fell asleep on the sofa. my dad or brother carried me into my room where I woke up, wait let me check the time, it's 5 hours later, I don't know why I just wrote that I was getting carried away, sorry, also sorry if these letters seem short I will try to make them longer but I like to keep you up to date with everything I don't want you to think I've forgotten you so I will start to add the date onto them now. Goodnight, I'm really tired and I need to sleep.
February 24th 1994
Hey, I missed writing to you, see I am starting to put the date on now, I am sorry I have not sent you a letter for like 2 weeks it's just I have been very busy, I was kind of scared because I don't want you to think I died or something. Today was boring, I hate Mondays, do you? I think you do, everyone does.
Anyway, Sunday night I didn't get much sleep because Sophia ignored me when I called her, she said she was hanging out with the Mike the jock, I don't understand why she was doing this to me, I thought she hated him, it turns out he has been sending her notes over the past 2 weeks telling her how much he liked her and kept asking her to hangout with him until she gave up. This would not have been so bad if my dad didn't want me to go and rent him another DVD and I saw them both giggling together outside of the store, I couldn't take it, I went back home, I didn't want to see her, I kept telling myself that she is not interested in him and he is just a friend but it still hurt me so much to see her having fun with someone else other than me.
I did something really bad when I got home, I mean really bad and I am scared. As you know I didn't buy a DVD so when I came up and my dad asked me dad what DVD I got him I said nothing, like the word "Nothing" when he said why I said something I really regret, it went something like this.
"Dad, how long has it been since mum died?"
"3 years" He said with the look of confusion on his face
"So why don't you just stop fucking watching DVD'S all the time, none of us want to watch them with you, we just do it because we feel sorry for you, so stop watching DVD'S all the time and do something"
I don't know what happened after that, it all seemed like a big blur after, before I knew it I was in my room writing you this letter, I really don't know why I said it, and I really wish I could just take it back. I don't want to keep writing about today, maybe if I tell you about the other things I will be able to sleep tonight.
I promise I won't make this boring and tell you everything like when my sister, took my shopping and I had to hold all the bags outside the dressing room as she got dressed and how after she got a makeover, because I am pretty sure you don't want to know all about that. I told my brother about Sophia, he told me how I should act and how I should not try to be jealous or try to make her jealous because it may work for a while but if she is my girlfriend I can't just ignore her because she would break up with me.
I told him I wanted to impress her and how I should do it, he told me I should take a driving test so I did. The week later I took it......and failed, I drove over all the cones and all the cardboard people, my brother was just laughing because of how bad I was, but after I finished he told me I was very good for it first time because on his first time he drove into a wall and had to pay for the damage, I start to giggle, I mean it was funny, but, I was giggling at my bad driving also, he put his arm over my shoulder and walked with me to his car. There we were both chilled, he drove to this place, I don't know where then he opened the glove box, and there was a bag of white cigarettes, I asked him what they were and he told me it was weed. That day was my first time trying weed. There we were both in the car giggling and laughing about life, he also asked me how big Sophia's tits were, I told them they were just normal, I don't know what else we talked about because I kind of can't remember anything.
A few days later Sophia phoned me and asked me if I wanted to come over to her house said I would, I also thought it would be a good idea to take some weed with me so I asked my brother if I could borrow some, he laughed at me and said
"Sure, just don't get caught with it"
I walked to her house that night, yes it was night, I don't know why she would ask me to come at night but I was not going to ask questions, I knocked her on door, she opened it and smiled at me. We both went into her room and she told me her grandma died, we spent all night talking to each other and she told me all the memories she had with her grandma, the one I liked the most is when she was 5 and her granddad was too sick to be Santa for Christmas so her grandma was Santa for that Christmas, she kind of got lost in the role because she became Santa for the whole night. She kissed Sophia her on the head at night and told her she'd be back next year. She did this every year until Sophia stopped believing in Santa, which kind of made her Grandma sad. We also talked about the black door but I can't tell you because I cannot talk to anyone else about it. I wondered why my dad didn't call me that night; it was only later on I found out that my brother told my dad I was with a girl.
We got high, I don't mean normal high, I mean we smoked it all, we ended up thinking we were tigers and started to "play fight" like pinning each other on the ground. That's when it happened, we kissed, I looked straight into her eyes and she looked straight into mine, I leaned me head down towards her and we kissed, not like making out but just kissing, just a kiss. After it happened we both got up and started to talk
"Do you like me Memo?" she asked
"Of course "I replied
"No, I mean do you really like me?"
I really didn't know what to say, I mean if I say yes would she like think I'm a creep, if I said no then the kiss we both shared meant nothing, I was so scared, so I went for it, I made myself say what I've wanted to say ever since I first saw her.
"Yes, yes I do like you"
She just smiled and hugged me, the thing is that I don't even know if we're dating, I hope you can understand why I am jealous right now, because I saw her with him, laughing, I know I should not think like this because we shared a kiss, but I guess I should calm down and understand. I'm going to go to sleep now, I have school in the morning and I really hope things get better, I have to stop writing now before I remember more things that might hurt me, goodnight.
March 7th 1994
Nothing is going good right now, my family hate me ever since I said those words to dad my brother and sister have been angry at me, because of this I have not really been going outside or seeing Sophia, a part from at school. I will tell you how things are with her but first I would really like to tell you about the problems with my dad because I want to stop feeling guilty about this even though it was my entire fault. The day after I shouted at my dad I came downstairs to say sorry to him, he was just watching the news and reading the local newspaper, I slowly walked to him taking deep breaths so I would not cry while I spoke to him
He turned around and looked at me, got up then walked towards me, I thought he was going to say something mean or hit me (My dad has never hit me by the way) He put his hand on my shoulder and said to me
"Memo, your right, I have to stop doing this, I know you don't want to hang out with your old man, your brother and sister too, so I will stop bothering you"
I tried to tell him that, that was not what I meant but he would not believe me. Then the worse moment came, my brother and sister walked in, they rented a DVD for us all to watch and they brought snacks, my dad told them he was too tired and he is going to go to sleep, my brother and sister thought nothing of it because they don't want to force him to watch it if he's tired. So there we were, me, my brother and my sister all watching a movie, I laughed quite a lot, it made me feel better until I saw my dad peak out onto us, he saw us all laughing and having fun.
After the movie was finished my brother went up stairs to see if my dad was ok because he felt like something was wrong. My sister fell asleep on the sofa, she always does this when we watch a movie together, apart from one time when we watched some pop stars life story and we all ended up falling asleep whilst she was awake for the whole movie, I can never understand why someone would watch those things, but then again, I've never really understood girls. I heard a shout from my brother calling for me, me and my sister woke up in a daze while I ran across her to go up stairs to see what was wrong.
It was my dad, he was passed out on the bed and my brother on top of him giving him mouth to mouth and hitting his chest
"Call a fucking ambulance you dick!" My brother shouted at me
"Ok" I replied
I ran out of the room into the kitchen, I passed my sister on the staircase while she was walking up it, I phoned the ambulance, I could hardly get the words out of my mouth but I managed. They came and took him out; I asked if he was going to be ok, they didn't take any notice of me. Later I was in my room trying not to cry, then my brother and sister came into the room, they started asking me a bunch of strange questions, they seemed really mad and disgusted with me, to be honest I was too. They found out what I said to dad because my dad wrote it in a note before or after he took the pills. After we finished speaking they told me never to talk to them again and left my room.
Why did I have to say that to my dad? I didn't mean to, it's just when you have bad days you say bad things, you don't mean it, it just comes out.
My dad is still on hospital, he has to stay in while they do some tests on him, I have been visiting but I never got any response from him, he slipped into a coma a few days after I visited him, the doctors told us that due to the amount of pills he took he is lucky to be alive, the worst thing they told us is that he may never come out of the coma and if he did he would need 24/7 care I have not stopped crying, my brother and sister won't speak to me, and my brother has to stay longer to look after us because we have to wait for my dad's sister who never has had kids and I only saw once when I was 6 because she came from Europe to look after all of us.
I can't keep writing about that I'm sorry, it's just, it's all too much. I will tell you about Sophia now, so as you don't know I calmed down since I saw her with Mike a few days ago even though I am not full over it because I don't want her to laugh with him I want her to laugh with me so if I see them together again I will picture them as brother and sister then I won't feel jealous because if I am out with my sister and we are laughing it does not mean we are in love. I saw her by her locker, I saw Mike watching so I thought I would make him know she is mine, I said hi to her and kissed her on her lips, she looked at me, smiled, hugged me and whispered "I love you" in my ear. You see, she was waiting for me to do this the whole time, we are dating now and everything is perfect, apart from...once, she asked me if I wanted to hangout and when we did Mike was there, he always kept making jokes, some were about me and she was like "Oh I am sorry memo..Hahahaha" and just laughed. Please don't think she is a bitch, she was talking to me too, just I kind of think she likes him more, I think that about everyone she talks to. I really have to stop thinking about this because it will just make me feel worse. The best apart was when she asked him to leave, not that he did anything bad, well, later she told me he was a dick and she would never hangout with him again, but I still think she will. We both went to the park, I swung her on the swing and then we both swung on the swings together, I was just so happy being with her and now knowing that she was a part of my life.
School is kind of becoming hard, I have only made one friend and now she is my girlfriend, I hope I can make another friend, I think I will try when I am at school tomorrow, the kid called Peat seemed fun to hang out with, I mean I don't know what he is like but every time I see him in class he always makes me laugh, I think I will try it. Can I just say, I am thankful they are people like you in the world, people who listen and do not judge, people who care, I just want to say that whatever happens I will never forget you, I just want to thank you for being here and reading my letters, I don't even know if your reading them but I hope you are and even if you don't and there is someone else reading this letter then thank you.
March 14th 1994
Today is my birthday, also today is the day my Aunt comes and the day my brother leaves, I woke up and had breakfast, everything was much different today, they were acting really nice, they both bought me gifts, I got a type writer from my sister and a football from my brother, I asked him if we could play in the back garden before he went, he said he couldn't and he was sorry, we had to go to the airport and that's a two hour drive and he needs to catch the train so he can go back to college. I wish I didn't know why they were being so nice to me, I know this sounds weird but I would've been happy if I thought they had forgiven me, the truth is I woke up last night to get some orange juice and whilst I was going down stairs I heard my brother and sister in the kitchen talking to my aunt on the phone
"But he is a selfish prick, why should I forgive him?" My brother asked
"Look, your father has always been sad since your mum died, Memo is not the cause, just the last effect, your father had a problem, and he should've gotten help, but he didn't, you see Memo did something you were all thinking, although he could have put it nicely, he knew this was your fathers way of coping with the loss of your mother, and one day when Memo and Lucy have left the house what will he do then? " My aunt replied
"But me and Tod both like watching the movies with dad, if Memo never did like it then he should have just shut up about it" Lucy said
"Look, Tod, Lucy, you just don't get it, Memo should have never said these things, but did you ever just ask him if something was wrong? Because you know this is not like him. No you didn't because you are too full of hatred, your father needed an intervention and Memo is the only one who saw that."
I went back up stairs and unlike me I didn't cry this time, I was kind of happy, my aunt who I've never apart from once in my life was standing up for me, and I think she likes me. Oh and yes I am writing this on my typewriter, I will be doing this from now on because it's so much easier for me to use and It's faster. I keep wondering if you are a girl or a boy, because I wanted to talk to you about sex, I think me and Sophia will have sex, I want to, and then I don't want to, don't try understanding what I wrote it's confusing. I want to lose my virginity and I am sure she is the right person but I think it's cute. being a virgin, like when you tell someone you're a virgin they go "aww" no one has ever said that to me but I see it in movies all the time. I think it depends on your age, if you are 40 and a virgin people will laugh at you, but I am 15 so I guess for now it's ok for now, I guess, although I am really scared of losing it because if people find out they may call her a slut.
I am sorry I have never mentioned this, I thought if I did you would never read my letters because I don't want to bore you with my grades and my work, the thing is ever since I met Sophia my grades have been dropping, I don't study, like ever, although I love to read books. I heard of this guy before, he was in his final year, he met this girl and he spent all of his time with her, so much that he failed and never went to college and they said they would be together forever, she cheated on him and left him, she didn't want to be with someone with no job and living with their parents, he lost everything and well, many people said he died, others just say it's a metaphor to never choose a girl over your work, I have never thought much about this until now but it's scaring me because I am scared that one day this will become me, that I will, oh , I don't have a dad anymore, well I do but...., Sorry but I don't want to keep writing, we will pick up my aunt in an hour, I will keep on writing later.
Today, Today was great, we picked my aunt and then we went back home, when we got in the house it was all decorated for me, you see my brother leaves tomorrow so we played football in the back together, Sophia was there and well, I will tell that later, but first, we had cake and danced, it was so fun, everyone was laughing and cheering, I even got drunk for the first time in my life and, well, today was the greatest day I've had to date, I just wish my dad was here to see me turn 16. When we got to the airport my brother and sister planned a party, how they knew where Sophia lived I'll never know but I am so glad she showed up. That night we went into my room and locked my door, it was very hot, we started kissing and taking our clothes off, she was feeling my body and went into my pants, I stopped for a second, she asked me if I was ok, if I was ready, I was, I really wanted to do this but I just had to think about the situation, the time, the date, and just get myself ready that I was going to lose my virginity.. It felt nice, like amazing, and now I know I won't be a 40 year old virgin. I would tell you how it was but I don't want to make this into some erotic notes.
I woke up beside her that night, cuddling in bed together under the covers, it was perfect, I could just stay with her for hours because she just means everything to me and I would do anything for her. She is in my bed right now while I am writing this I hope you've had a great day because I know I have.
21st March 1994
Ok so I have a lot to tell you. Ever since we had sex she has not spoken to me much, I don't know why, it's just when she would normally talk she would seem so happy to see me but now it's like whatever, I really hope she stops acting like this, I wish I could tell her but I don't want to risk ruining our relationship because she might go and date the jock, Mike. To be honest I don't think she would but I can't stop thinking about if we ever broke up she would go and date him and kiss him and laugh at his jokes and not mine. They have been spending a lot more time together, more than usual, I don't know why this is, she even told me that we don't have to talk everyday yet she is talking to him every day, not like she goes and hangs out with him but just that they spend a lot of time together in school and even when we have breaks, when we hangout, we always have to hang out with him, I don't want to be a jealous boyfriend just that I don't know why she is doing this, maybe she thinks she's a slut, I don't think she does but maybe she does, or maybe it was too early to have sex, to be honest when we had sex it was nothing special, we were really drunk, we can hardly remember it. Once we were both talking about having sex and how it should be special and stuff and I guess we kind of ruined that, but it still does not explain why she is doing this to me, I think I will ask her why she is doing this soon, I will give it a couple of days before I talk to her about this because maybe it's just a phase that I don't really understand.
Have you ever had a girlfriend or a boyfriend? if you have then I hope everything goes well for you too, I just want to know what I am feeling and what is happening right now is normal because I have never been in a relationship before because when I was 5 I always had a crush on this girl called Veronica, she kissed me, not like a make out we were 5, we were playing truth or dare and she was dared to kiss me and ever since then I would always try to get her attention but she was never interested, I have never told you about this but she is the reason I changed schools, I chased after her till I was 14, then one day she agreed to go on a date with me, it was a really big moment for me, almost 10 years of feelings built up, 10 years of wanting to kiss her again, it want a prank. We went to the car park together at night because she told me to meet up with her there, everyone, well all the cool kids got out and started to laugh and throw things at me, I don't know what they were but they hurt, after that I told my dad and he moved house and I changed schools, he used to be so protective of me but when I turned 15 and nearing 16 he started to seem less caring about everything, I don't know why but ever since we moved it's like something was taken from him.
When she woke up, after we had sex, everything was so cute, we cuddled in bed for quite a while, have u ever cuddled before? It's really nice, well only if you like, like the person otherwise it's just a cuddle and it's boring, the other person may feel something if they like you in that way but you won't, it's the same as kissing, if you like someone it's such a great feeling but if don't like them like that it's just two lips touching, nothing special, kind of boring, that's why I would only ever kiss someone I really care about and like because if I don't then a kiss means nothing, just meaningless.
She told me that she had to go home, she was freaking out when she saw the time on her watch, I told her I could drive her home , we quickly got dressed and I drove her home, and ever since then I have not seen much of her, it's only been 7 days, almost 8 but I will wait a little bit longer, or just sleep, you know when you are feeling sad you should sleep, it goes, you are calm when you sleep, I guess I should try that out sometime, anyway after that I went back home, I was really happy.....but, my Aunt was really pissed,
"Why did you leave, where did you go!?"
"I just dropped my girlfriend off"
"Memo, next time I will do that ok!?"
"No, I want to do it ok, she is my girlfriend, I love her and I want to drop her off because I know she will be save"
"Memo........You took the car right?"
"Your brother told me you failed your driving test"
And at that moment I realized something, I stole the car and drove her home, without even passing my driver's test, I told her how I was so sorry and I just forgot because I was rushing and she really needed to go home because her parents thought she was sleeping at her friend's house. You see her parents don't want her to have a boyfriend because they don't think she can handle one, oh I never told you how old she is, she is 16, I guess I am a older erhmm...5 months. When we were behind the old black door she told me all of this, we have only ever been there once though sometimes I have seen her go into the building alone quite a few times, I always want to keep going back to it because I don't think anything else I could ever see could come close to beating something as remarkable as what I saw that night.
Living with my aunt has been ok, since my brother left everything has kind of gotten a bit boring but I guess that's normal, he was always the life and soul of the house and ever since he left the family was quite not the same. You see when we moved he went to college I have tried to be like him but it's not really been the same, I heard a story about peat, do you remember him? I hope so. Well the story is that he used to have 4 brothers and sisters and one by one they all left and every time one left the house would not quite feel the same, then when his brother left this year for college, his last sibling in the house it is just him and his drunk alcoholic dad alone, I heard he gets beat up a lot that's why is try's to be funny so he can feel better about himself but I don't think it is, I think he just likes to make people laugh because when you make people laugh and they are not laughing at you it makes you feel great.
Oh, I have not talked about my brother yet, sorry I thought I did, you see when I came back home and everything and I had calmed down, my brother came into my room, he sat on my bed and he told me that everything going to be ok and that I should not worry.
"Memo, I want you to know that I will always be here for you, I am just a phone call away, if anything happens talk to me, I love you ok. you're my little brother, you always have been and always will be, I know I have been hard on you and I'm really sorry about that, I hope you can forgive me because I don't want to lose you, I love hanging out with you and I wish I could spend more time with you. I promise as soon as I finish college then I will come straight home to you"
"Thank you. I'm sorry, and I don't want to forgive you because there is nothing to forgive, you were angry and I understand you weren't you and now you are" I replied
He stood her and messed up my hair, then smiled and said I need to have a shower. Later we were all at the airport, we said goodbye to him and we all gave him one last hug goodbye. He told us he will try to come back for Christmas, I hope he does.
Sorry if I am I am boring you, I try to make all this stuff interesting so that you don't throw this letter away, because I could tell you how I played chess for 2 hours with my aunt whilst my sister tried to make chicken and Burt it. Oh wait, that is kind of funny, my sister always tries to cook and it's so funny because she always messes up, last year we had a BBQ and she set fire to a tree, I have no idea how she did this but it was the funniest thing I had ever seen in my life, but anyway, my aunt Living with her is quite nice, she does cry sometimes, well every other day she cries, I guess it's because dad is still in hospital and he is not getting any better, he is getting worse, I know it's all my fault that she is here and looking after us and had to leave her friends behind to come and look after her brothers family, she must really love her brother. This is why I try my best to cheer her up because I want her to be happy, I am planning on taking my driver's test and showing her the sights of little rock because she only knows the hospital, our house, the school and the airport.
She is very nice, I thought she would be like mean and hating me, but no, she is kind and a very nice and loveable person, I'm tired now, I will not write back for a few weeks because I have a lot to do and I need to do some things, like sort things out with my girlfriend and get my driver's licence. Goodnight I hope you've had a nice day and if not I hope tomorrow is better.
8th April 1994
Things have gotten really bad, I mean really bad, Sophia hates me, well I think she hates me, I did something, something very bad, I don't know why I did it. It seemed funny at the time but after I felt bad and I was such a stupid dick for doing it, I wish I could rewind time. You know when you have done something bad and you feel that guilt, the guilt never goes away because no matter how sorry you are or if that person forgives you, you still feel guilt for what you did. Ok so I was at her house, my girlfriends house and we were sat on the sofa watching old episodes of doctor who. We both love doctor who, we hate that it was cancelled and it would be really nice if they would re-boot it. I heard they are working on a doctor who movie, Anyway, sorry for sidetracking, there we were sat on the sofa when the phone in the kitchen started ringing, I got up and walked to it, it was one of those people trying to sell you stuff, I hung up the phone and then she asked "Who was it?" I thought to myself this'll be funny for a joke.
"I'm sorry but your dads died in a car crash"
She looked at me then come running toward me and started crying whilst hugging me, I was giggling and then I told her it was a joke, she stepped back and slapped me and told me to get out, she was crying and was really angry at me, I tried to tell her it was just a joke but she started screaming and swearing at me. I left, I walked home crying, I thought to myself everything will be better in the morning, it wasn't, I went to school the next day with some flower to say sorry, I saw her talking to mike at her locker, I went up to her and said
"I'm really sorry about yesterday, I hope you can forgive me, I brought you these flowers, I know it's not much but I'm really sorry for what I did"
She looked at me like she didn't know me, then turned to Mike and carried on talking about her favourite bands with him and how they should go to a concert some day, I dropped the flowers on the floor and walked outside then sat on a bench, I could not stop crying, people passed by and called me fag, gay, faggot, everyone said this until, Peat, you remember him right? He was in one of my classes I was telling you about, how he was really funny and everything, well he came up to me and sat beside me then asked me what was wrong.
"What's wrong?" Peat asked
"Just, I fucked things up with my girlfriend, I think we have broken up now and maybe she has
Moved on, I don't know. She's ignoring me now and I feel so shit, I want her to like me again but
I don't know how to get her to do it" I said
He put his arm around me and said "Look, people fuck up, it's ok, it's normal, and you can't make people like you, you should never change to make a person like you because she likes you for you and not for who you change to be, just be you and she'll come back"
He started to light his cigarette and then said "Or forget the bitch" I kinda giggled when he said that, but the thing was that I didn't notice that he was being serious, he got up and started to walk away, then turned to me and said
"Well aren't you coming?"
He smiled and told me to follow him, I did, that night was amazing, I don't remember much of what happened, I mean everything that happened last night he told me because I could not remember anything so if it sounds untrue just remember that I'm not telling you what happened, I'm telling you what he told me what happened.
Ok so were stopped at this forest, I was thinking we was going to kill me but he took me to all his friends, I was wondering why they were all out at this time in the evening, but I didn't care, I sat down on a log next to the fire whilst Peat went over to one of the many tents around the tents, he came back after a while with a drink, I was too sad to care what was inside, I downed it all and before I knew anything it was midnight, everyone was dancing around the fire and drinking, wearing these animal hats, like a moose head, deer head, I think you get the idea, I was dancing and drinking as well, he kept telling me I fucked this girl and I tried to jump into the fire to see if I would reach hell, I don't think that's true, maybe the fire thing but I really hope I didn't fuck that girl. I woke up that night in back of someone's car
9th April 1994
I'm sorry my last letter was so short, I was really sad whilst I was writing and I really didn't want to write that letter but I did, not because I wanted to, but because I wanted you to know that I was still ok.
I really want to tell you more about the party but the truth is I really don't remember much of what happened apart from the fact that I took a lot of drugs, danced around a fire with people, that's all I remember I guess. I gave Peat my phone number and he said he'll call me sometime, I don't know when that sometime is but I really hope it's soon, my girlfriend, or ex girlfriend I really don't know because we've not spoken much since the prank but she's still ignoring me, I hope it stops soon, the thing is she speaks to me, but not for long then goes and ignores me to talk to other people, I really don't understand anything of what is going on right now but I hope everything becomes clear soon.
I am sorry I keep writing about her, it's getting annoying but you, besides Peat, you are the only people I can tell, I can't tell my brother he's away, my dad's, well, you know, my Aunt I don't know that well and my sister started becoming a whore lately so boys will like her more. I have to stop writing about her, its making me sad; it's hard to concentrate when you're sad. My aunt has been yelling at my sister a lot, since a few days after coming here, she tells her not to act and dress like this and my sister just tells her to shut the fuck up, I don't know why she is acting like this, it's all of a sudden and just weird.
Oh, I forgot to tell you that I was going to take my aunt out to show her places, I did, she really likes it here in little rock, even the shops, but she said that if we ever came with her to Europe we'd love it, it's so much better there she says. This makes me really want to go to Europe but I really don't know because I have only ever been in America, America is where I live, of course I want to go somewhere else but I am scared about leaving Sophia, I mean if I leave for some weeks she may move on and find someone more interesting, like mike....she's spending a lot more time with him lately, it's really making me, I don't like the word but, jealous, My dad was jealous a lot, my mum would tell me, when she was still around, she told me how he always would get angry when she was alone with some guy he didn't know, but then he slowly stopped and started to become a boyfriend, a husband, a father.
Sorry that I skip from part to part, I only do it because there is nothing more to say and I don't want to get bored and not skip part of the letter because then there is no point of me sending them to you. I promise to keep them as interesting as possible. I masturbate, not many people say that and I know it was kind of random just to type that but I just wanted to say that, when I do it, I think of Sophia. I don't want to think of her, not that she is ugly it's just I respect her so much I don't like thinking of her like that even though we had sex once already, I liked it, like a lot, I'm not sure if I told you that but I wanted to tell you that again, if I did already tell you then it's because I forget things when I am typing at night. The only thing I hate about typing at night is that my Aunt gets woken up so easily and it's annoying because typing this letter to you right now she has already come in 3 times and I think I should stop typing now and go to sleep, it's really late and I don't want to wake her up again. I really don't like being rude, so anyway, goodnight.