Lucky, Minus the K

LUCKY, MINUS THE K

CHARACTERS: MEL, married, 29, pregnant
KEITH, married, 30
GEORGE, taxi driver, 45
LUCY, daughter to Mel and Keith, 6
BEN, son to Mel and Keith, newborn

SCENE: In Mel and Keith’s kitchen

AT RISE: MEL, KEITH, and GEORGE are telling LUCY how she was born. BEN
is sleeping.

GEORGE

(Reminiscing) Once upon a time…

KEITH

No, no, no. That’s not how you start a good story. There once was a…

MEL

Absolutely not. You can not use the word ‘once.’ Let me try. We once were on Warren Street.

KEITH

You’re a hypocrite, you just said once.

MEL

Obviously, it sounds better when I say it. Six years ago, we were once on Warren Street in New York, begging for a life savor. Literally.

KEITH

Taxi! Taxi!

MEL

Uh, today would be nice.

KEITH

Just hold on for a second. (Yelling) Taxi!

MEL

Ugh.

KEITH

(waving frantically) Taxi! Please! Oh, I think I got one.

MEL

Oh thank goodness.

GEORGE

(Pulling over) Hello! My name is George. Where can I bring you?

MEL

Please bring me to a… (Sudden painful scream) Ugh!

GEORGE

(During the scream, not being heard) Anywhere you say? Ok!

KEITH

Honey, it’s going to be okay.

MEL

Obviously you don’t understand.

GEORGE

Alright, the time is now 12:42. And the timer is on. So where you two love birds from?

MEL

Does it matter?

KEITH

Sorry sir, she’s a little… um… hormonal.

MEL

Keith!

GEORGE

Wow, your lady sure has some vocal chords on her.

KEITH

Oh, you have no idea.

GEORGE

Haha, I think I’m going to like you man. You a football guy?

KEITH

Oh yeah.

GEORGE

Who doesn’t like a good game of the Giants and a cold one?

KEITH

Well, I’d rather watch women run around in tight pants, if you know what I mean.

MEL

I better be the only one, you hear?

GEORGE

(under his breathe) Trust me, we can all hear you.

KEITH (chuckles)

MEL

Ugh!

KEITH

I read in the book that a little music can help keep you calm; do you want your iPod babe? I think we are almost there.

MEL

Fine. Anything to help my pain.

GEORGE

And my ears.

KEITH

Just go along with it.

MEL

Ugh!

GEORGE

Maybe a scenic view of the city would be helpful.

KEITH

I don’t think now is really a good time.

GEORGE

No time like the present!

KEITH

How about just some descriptive detail about the nice things we pass; no need to go out of your way.

GEORGE

It’ll be my pleasure!

KEITH

How long have you been a taxi driver?

GEORGE

Oh, I don’t know. I used to be a fifth-grade science teacher. I got the boot when the kids started blowin’ up more stuff than I was.

KEITH

Ya, that sounds like a problem.

GEORGE

I spent the next two weeks straight with a beer in my hand and a girl on my lap. That place is called Heaven in my book, and you’ll find it on your right.

KEITH

Ok, I’ll keep that in mind.

MEL

Oww.

GEORGE

I soon found out that being a comedian wasn’t my forte either.

KEITH

That’s a hard profession.

GEORGE

Well, it wasn’t so much that; it was more of my…um…stage presence.

KEITH

Don’t worry, stage fright is common.

GEORGE

Quite the opposite really…people don’t really find a naked guy swimming in a fountain yelling “I forgot my floaties!” very funny.

KEITH

Oh, that was you...

MEL

Hurry!

GEORGE

I’ll try, but I can only go as fast as the person in front of me.

KEITH

Yes, try not to hit them.

GEORGE

Right, right, now back to my tour. That famous fountain is comin’ up on your left.

KEITH

I was thinking some places with meaning.

GEORGE

Of course, it’s only 1:30 you know.

KEITH

What the hell is taking so long? We were only five blocks away.

GEORGE

Sorry, I know I’m a bad storyteller; that’s how I got the boot from the library on your left.

MEL

Ow!

KEITH

George, this has been great getting to know you and your life experiences but I think it’s time to get to the hospital.

GEORGE

What! Who said anything about a hospital?

MEL

Ugh! Keith!

KEITH

What? What?

MEL

George! Drive!

GEORGE

I can’t go anywhere; there is a huge traffic jam!

KEITH

Come on guy, there must be some way.

GEORGE

We will be stuck in this for some time.

MEL

I need to get there!

GEORGE

Alright, I once took a CPR class back in the day, so I totally got this.

KEITH

Oh, lord…

MEL

Get me to the hospital! NOW!

KEITH

Okay honey, just breath.

MEL (Breathing, in, out, in out)

GEORGE

Pullin’ over!

MEL

What!

KEITH

You can do this! We are prepared. Well, we will be after I just ask my good friend Wiki what to do.

MEL

Wikipedia? Really?

GEORGE

Not to worry, I’ll be right back.

KEITH

Where the hell is he going?

MEL

Okay, you need to check how dilated I am.

KEITH

Oh God, we are really doing this. Okay deep breaths. (in, out breathing)

MEL

Not you, me!

GEORGE

(pops his head in) Did I hear dilated? I always keep an extra ruler in my toolbox.

KEITH

Wow, you are one strange guy.

GEORGE

I know, I’m the uninvited guest you never want to leave.

KEITH

Yeah, something like that.

(GEORGE exits)

MEL

Okay, quick, look.