Some say cyber love is not real but only an illusion. An illusion for those who claim to be unable to find love in the real world. The one who are not up to the standards lovers have begun to create. But what some don't understand is that cyber love is real. It exist- though rarely- in this somewhat cruel world of hate and violence. It exist for those who truly wish to find it and sometimes, even, for those not looking at all and stumble upon it by accident.
It was no accident for me.
I desperately searched for someone I could claim to be mine. Love or no love.
I wanted someone to talk to about everything. Someone who would laugh with me, maybe cry with me as well.
I wanted someone sweet, caring, understanding, sexy, dark, mysterious, and funny enough to make me laugh at even the most ridiculous things!
I know it seemed like an impossible list of expectations for just ONE guy but...he was all of that and more.
He was beautiful accident waiting to happen.
And it all started with me hiring my thirteen year old to be my matchmaker.
I told her to find me a random boy she thought I might like.
She brought me one seemingly dull boy who was no where near my expectations and only bored me with bad complements and dry jokes.
The second one was forgettable for I cannot remember a thing about him. Only that for someone he didn't meet my standards.
The third...Oh the third was different.
He came to me, his name already highlighted green ( the color of friendship), and his shirt was blue! Of all the colors in the world he wore my most favorite color. The moment he was close enough to see the bright green of my name we typed out the “LMAO” and fell to the pixilated ground together in laughter.
I fired my matchmaker on the spot claiming she failed me for the third time. Of course it was a joke and was not taken as harsh and so we all laughed together at the irony of the situation that was meant to be a blind date.
I didn't know at the time that I would fall in love with him.
The cyber boy.
I only knew that I really liked him and I wanted to be his friend. Maybe a little more than that.
I had been friends with him for only a few days when a female friend of his (who is now like a sister to me) practically forced him to ask me out and stop beating around the bush! I wonder all the time why she did that for me. She had told me she liked him very much the whole time they were friends.
“But,” she told me, “He seems happier with you.”
I'm not sure what she told him to get him to do it but he did.
And I was happy for a short while.
That is when the fear started.
I was scared he would leave me; leave me for someone prettier, smarter. I was afraid he would hurt me.
I broke up with him at least a week later. I don't remember giving him a reason. I just told him I had to.
The word got out and his female friend (and several of my other friends) were so upset they begged and pleaded that I go back to him. We bickered for about a day before they convinced me to at least talk to him.
And so I did.
He greeted me with warmth and understanding. I told him why I did it, I think, and he understood. Told me he wouldn't do that to me.
I told him that I wouldn't ask him out for fear that I'd hurt him again.
He smiled and said,
“Well then I'll have to ask you out.” and we laughed.
We stayed together for a longer period of time. Maybe two months before the fear started up again.
I started to that he didn't find me pretty enough.
In the beginning he told me that looks did not matter to him. That personality is more important. At the time I thought that was the stupidest thing I had ever heard! I wanted to know who I was dating but he refused to show me his picture. I showed him mine and he only said “nice :)”.
I was already self-conscious at the time and it seemed like he thought I was nothing. I had even posted the picture on my profile and never once said anything about it. As if it wasn't there.
But he saw it..I didn't know it at the time but he did see it. And thought I was pretty.
That made me grin like a goofball when he told me.
But he was too late.
I had cheated on him for a guy that said I was beautiful.
He was a horrible person. He was handsome but he was horrible.
He was dangerous and scornful.
He was a punishment.
I broke up with my cyber love to be with that heinous boy.
I stayed with him for some time until I just couldn't take it anymore. Until we couldn't take it anymore. He broke up with me because he knew that what he was ( a blood) he knew I couldn't handle it. I swear that his breaking up with me was the sweetest thing he'd ever done for me.
Because I missed my cyber love the whole time I was with the blood.
I crawled back to him in a pathetic attempt to get him back.
He listened to my sad explanation and didn't seem the least bit upset. If he was he hid it well. But he took me back and we stayed together. He stopped trusting me like he used to but he stayed with me. We were happy. He even introduced me to his best friend and cousin. We call her Sar.
Sar is my very best friend and is so much like my sister we hardly ever use one another's name when referring to each other with other people (she does this more than I do) instead we say “My sis”.
She understands me better than my love does to this day. She knows just about everything except little bits and pieces from recent activities.
She understood why I cheated on him a second time. She even plotted scheme to help me get him back again. She knew I did it again because of fear. She knew I didn't mean to.
He took me back and we stayed together happily for several weeks before I started wondering if he really loved me.
Yes, I actually worried about that. It never occurred to me that the fact that he took me back both the times I had cheated on him was any indication that he did love me.
So one night I tried to ask him but I couldn't. He begged me to just ask him whatever I needed to. He then just assumed what I was going to ask and he was right! He answered my unasked but well guessed question and said...
I don't remember what he said. Out of everything! I blocked his answer out.
All I remember is that as soon as he logged off I quit the game...
I didn't tell I was going to do it. I never said I would break up with him. I never said anything to him.
I just left.
He hasn't been the same ever since.
He is afraid. Afraid of hurting other girls like he thinks he hurt me.
I broke something in him.
His spirit to love and have fun.
I stayed away from the game for several months. I didn't start to play again until at least seven months. He actually missed me.
And Sar was pissed because I never told her I was leaving.
They both forgave me.
I've asked Sar why but I don't remember what she said.
I haven't asked my love why he forgave me.
But he did.
One of the many things those two souls have taught me was how to forgive and love your friends. I just hate that I had to learn from them so late.
I've cried and starved and kept myself awake over what I've done. I hated myself so much I just didn't want to BE anymore.
But when I came back to the game most had left, the ones that stayed were there with open arms and warm hearts.
I was forgiven.
I was loved by people I have never met in person.
The first time I saw my love again my heart stopped, skipped, flipped and fluttered before it settled back to its average rhythm.
I still loved him.
But he loved another.
I chased him again. Trying to get him back after so many months of missing him.
He wouldn't take me back.
He claimed to love the other.
I quit again out of anger and heartbreak.
I came back again in three months later and found myself falling reluctantly for his brother.
His brother was a wise one though. He knew why I wanted him and rejected me as honestly and as kindly as he could.
I look back at my fears then and my fears now... most of them are irrational or just plain stupid.
He never gave me a reason to be afraid of him. I kept hurting him because of silly assumptions. Assumptions that he soon started to believe.
I'll never forgive myself for making him believe he was hurting me.
And I still am to this very day.
I write this with flooding eyes and shaky hands because it's hard to admit the things I've done to him.
He didn't deserve it.
I didn't deserve him. I wasn't ready for him.
I never told him that.
But I did recently send him an apology for everything I'd done to him:
(excuse the * symbols I had to block the names)
'I know I shouldn't bring this up again; the last time we talked about it it ended in an argument... I'm so sorry about everything I did to you. I never apologized for it ( if I did it wasn't proper), I'm sorry about everything I did to us when I used ******; the cheating and then just leaving for no reason at all other than being scared? I was foolish. And I just became more foolish. How I acted with you when you were with ***. Oh God! I was so stupid it's actually humorous now. I was just so jealous and angry that I had left and let her take you away, I saw how happy you seemed to be with her and I just hated it. I hate myself for running away from it. I'm so sorry about my behavior then, I really am. Then you were gone again. As if it were a punishment and not just an inevitable absence. I fell for ***** (sadly to say he was right ) because he reminded me of you in so many ways I forgot he was *****! He was right when he told me that I didn't like him, that I only thought I did. He as so right! Wow I hate admitting that- I mean he's ******! he's never supposed to be right! :( it figures... he would be right about this. I never could make myself stop thinking about you. I could never stop thinking about all those times you took me back after I did those things. I could never stop thinking about how sweet and honest and true you were. It felt so real with you. I haven't felt that since I left you that final fatal time. I hope you don't think I'm putting you on the spot because that is really not what I'm doing. I swear. I just needed to tell you the truth, and finally let the weight of all of it leave me. I couldn't eat or sleep because of all the weight. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you hurt me. You never did and I know you never would. You never ever hurt me and I hate that you think you did. You were so very near perfect. I can't give my heart to anyone else because you still have it. I know I'm probably scaring you away... and I understand if you never want to talk to me again. But when you came on and we talk the way we used to, about Sar and your life and your worries, and those times you stood close to me. The love I forced myself to drown just came flooding back into me. And when you moved it drowned again because I remembered what you told me. It's something I can't help and I'm sorry for that too. I can't help but love you, Isaac. That's never going to change. I just couldn't keep it in. It was hurting me and I hope you understand. I love you.'
That will never suffice though.
It will never be good enough.
But he forgave me once again.
Will I ever learn?
Is this a lesson I have to learn the hard way?
We remain friends to this day and he has started trusting me enough to talk to me like he used to. Telling me everything that goes about.
In a friendly way of course.
We laugh like a two infants laughing at a silly face.
And I wonder sometimes:
Could it grow to be something more?-something better than what it used to be?
Sometimes I hope that it will.
But I don't think I would let him.
I love him too much to break his heart again.