For some reason I prefer to not be sober lately. Every morning I have a choice. The new day comes and it is a new opportunity for me to change my life. The sun rises, the world turns. It would be wonderful to realize the mercy that I may freely take advantage of. To take grace it at it's word. Instead; I repeat the same day over and over and over. I am a slave to alcohol and drugs.
My name is Glinda. I am an alcoholic. I am a substance abuser. I really don't know why. All the way. I just seem to prefer not to be sober. Of course this bothers me and my family. I don't know where to begin. Perhaps I find life too depressing. Perhaps I am afraid of what may come. Perhaps, I am terrified of what lies in the past, unable to cope with what life has dished out thus far. Not sure completely; but I know I just don't want to be sober anymore.
I have no motivation whatsoever. There is not light or joy, only pain and misery. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to leave this house. The only joy I find in life is ridden with guilt and regret. I want to be alone, so I can drink and smoke without anyone judging me.
This is the closest lifestyle to suicide, I believe. I would never kill myself, because I know first-hand the utter grief and unspeakable sorrow that it bestows upon everyone that you have placed your presence upon. But this lifestyle is just like pushing the pause button on a tape over and over again. I don't want to compose a new song, and I don't want to hear the song that I just listened to. Ever again.
Good thing I am surrounded by crippled people and enablers. I am crippled, and an enabler. I wear both invisible badges myself. I justify my actions with innumerable hurts and wounds. I accuse others of their weaknesses to remind them that they are not Saints, they have no reason to notice my demise. No reason to point out my fallibleness. I am a good person, right?
I pay my bills. I clean my house. I take care of my kids. I am a shoulder to cry on. I am fun. I am as pretty as I can be. Excellence is no where. It is not true. It betrays you every time you think that you are the best. There is always someone better. There always will be.
These justifications are obviously trite in comparison to the ridiculous right that they are attempting to support. Any idiot could spot it. Even me. I am not so blind that I do not recognize the age old habit-forming solo. There can be no solace in the fact that life sucks; so you should be "on that lean" 24/7. Where is God Almighty, The Great I Am; in all this? Is this a godless situation in which the Lord of all creation does not understand what is going on? I have pondered the same thing countless times......
I had a dream a few years ago. I was 19 then. I was a new mother, and a new wife. In the dream and in real life, I was healthy. I had just broken out of a prison of decrepit debauchery. I was in a shack. In the shack there was a stout dike-looking woman. She was behind a wooden bar. I was an observer. The woman was taken out of the shack and led out of the door by an invisible force that made her leave the dwelling. I heard in a peaceful voice, "She is in bondage". She left the building and I saw her no more.
Then I was happy. The woman seemed to be threatening. She had a spiky black collar around her neck. She seemed aggressive and intimidating. Maybe dangerous. I was left alone in the shack. I then saw a choir of young angelic children enter the building from a different entrance than the scary woman exited. They were singing a song of victory, of hope. I watched them and felt fulfilled; I felt like a winner.
Just then, at the conclusion scene of the dream; behold, there was a beautiful frosty mixed drink before me, sitting on a shelf. I looked at it in awe, and then I grabbed it and took a luxurious taste. I was happy that the woman was gone, and I was celebrating.
I have since interpreted that dream to wax prophetic. I had been set free from my bondage, and I was deceived into alcoholism thusly. Its roots were laid firmly. Now I am dealing with the reality that the prophecy was true; I have been deceived by alcohol. What I used to think was second rate intoxication compared to drugs is now my drug of choice. It could happen to me. It happened to me.
It is happening to me. I used to think about alcoholics like "Why don't they just smoke weed?" or "That is disgusting! Why can't they just stop drinking?". But it is actually a little more complicated than that, I have come to find out the hard way. The web that you despise is ironically most often the one you find yourself hopelessly entangled within. That sure helps along with the condemnation. Unfortunately.
There is a fountain, who is a King. Victorious warrior and Lord of EVERYTHING. He is absolute good. He is innocent and sinless, yet wise and understanding of OUR weaknesses. For some reason I perceive this outburst of rebelliousness and dirty actions to be completely handleable to Him. He still knows who I am, He still knows who you are. Where you are, what you are going through.
The brutal honesty in all this stupidity is that God made you; He is not unable to sift out your unruliness and make you into a new creation. To heal all your wounds and forgive all your outrageous sins. The time is near. Draw close to Him, and He will draw close to you.
I still don't know how this will all work out, but I am sure in for a surprise I'm certain. Just when you think you've arrived; your ship may sail away suddenly and you may find yourself up the creek without a paddle. So shall I be saved from my enemies.
Well, I will certainly keep yall updated on any new developments in this unfolding saga of life, and you keep me posted too? We are all in this together, whether it be in alcoholism, perversity, hopelessness, and poverty. I love you all...............ME
Glinda Gail Bustamante