reason I prefer to not be sober lately. Every morning I have
a choice. The new day comes and it is a new opportunity for
me to change my life. The sun rises, the world turns. It
would be wonderful to realize the mercy that I may freely
take advantage of. To take grace it at it's word. Instead; I
repeat the same day over and over and over. I am a slave to
alcohol and drugs.
My name is
Glinda. I am an alcoholic. I am a substance abuser. I really
don't know why. All the way. I just seem to prefer not to be
sober. Of course this bothers me and my family. I don't know
where to begin. Perhaps I find life too depressing. Perhaps I
am afraid of what may come. Perhaps, I am terrified of what
lies in the past, unable to cope with what life has dished
out thus far. Not sure completely; but I know I just don't
want to be sober anymore.
I have no
motivation whatsoever. There is not light or joy, only pain
and misery. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to
leave this house. The only joy I find in life is ridden with
guilt and regret. I want to be alone, so I can drink and
smoke without anyone judging me.
This is the
closest lifestyle to suicide, I believe. I would never kill
myself, because I know first-hand the utter grief and
unspeakable sorrow that it bestows upon everyone that you
have placed your presence upon. But this lifestyle is just
like pushing the pause button on a tape over and over again.
I don't want to compose a new song, and I don't want to hear
the song that I just listened to. Ever
Good thing I
am surrounded by crippled people and enablers. I am crippled,
and an enabler. I wear both invisible badges myself. I
justify my actions with innumerable hurts and wounds. I
accuse others of their weaknesses to remind them that they
are not Saints, they have no reason to notice my demise. No
reason to point out my fallibleness. I am a good person,
I pay my
bills. I clean my house. I take care of my kids. I am a
shoulder to cry on. I am fun. I am as pretty as I can be.
Excellence is no where. It is not true. It betrays you every
time you think that you are the best. There is always someone
better. There always will be.
justifications are obviously trite in comparison to the
ridiculous right that they are attempting to support. Any
idiot could spot it. Even me. I am not so blind that I do not
recognize the age old habit-forming solo. There can be no
solace in the fact that life sucks; so you should be "on that
lean" 24/7. Where is God Almighty, The Great I Am; in all
this? Is this a godless situation in which the Lord of all
creation does not understand what is going on? I have
pondered the same thing countless
I had a dream
a few years ago. I was 19 then. I was a new mother, and a new
wife. In the dream and in real life, I was healthy. I had
just broken out of a prison of decrepit debauchery. I was in
a shack. In the shack there was a stout dike-looking woman.
She was behind a wooden bar. I was an observer. The woman was
taken out of the shack and led out of the door by an
invisible force that made her leave the dwelling. I heard in
a peaceful voice, "She is in bondage". She left the building
and I saw her no more.
Then I was
happy. The woman seemed to be threatening. She had a spiky
black collar around her neck. She seemed aggressive and
intimidating. Maybe dangerous. I was left alone in the shack.
I then saw a choir of young angelic children enter the
building from a different entrance than the scary woman
exited. They were singing a song of victory, of hope. I
watched them and felt fulfilled; I felt like a
Just then, at
the conclusion scene of the dream; behold, there was a
beautiful frosty mixed drink before me, sitting on a shelf. I
looked at it in awe, and then I grabbed it and took a
luxurious taste. I was happy that the woman was gone, and I
I have since
interpreted that dream to wax prophetic. I had been set free
from my bondage, and I was deceived into alcoholism thusly.
Its roots were laid firmly. Now I am dealing with the reality
that the prophecy was true; I have been deceived by alcohol.
What I used to think was second rate intoxication compared to
drugs is now my drug of choice. It could happen to me. It
happened to me.
happening to me. I used to think about alcoholics like "Why
don't they just smoke weed?" or "That is disgusting! Why
can't they just stop drinking?". But it is actually a little
more complicated than that, I have come to find out the hard
way. The web that you despise is ironically most often the
one you find yourself hopelessly entangled within. That sure
helps along with the condemnation.
There is a
fountain, who is a King. Victorious warrior and Lord of
EVERYTHING. He is absolute good. He is innocent and sinless,
yet wise and understanding of OUR weaknesses. For some reason
I perceive this outburst of rebelliousness and dirty actions
to be completely handleable to Him. He still knows who I am,
He still knows who you are. Where you are, what you are going
honesty in all this stupidity is that God made you; He is not
unable to sift out your unruliness and make you into a new
creation. To heal all your wounds and forgive all your
outrageous sins. The time is near. Draw close to Him, and He
will draw close to you.
I still don't
know how this will all work out, but I am sure in for a
surprise I'm certain. Just when you think you've arrived;
your ship may sail away suddenly and you may find yourself up
the creek without a paddle. So shall I be saved from my
Well, I will
certainly keep yall updated on any new developments in this
unfolding saga of life, and you keep me posted too? We are
all in this together, whether it be in alcoholism,
perversity, hopelessness, and poverty. I love you