July 11, 2008
I have wanted one thing all of my life, above any other. All of my life. Yearned for it so deeply. I have lied, manipulated, stolen, and worse; all in an effort to obtain what I now know to be utterly and solely: a mirage. To be in control.
I am not in control of myself, my life, others, world events or my salvation. I can't even control simple things like quitting smoking or losing weight or white lies or spending too much money.
God Almighty is the One who is always in control. There is nothing we can do or say that can change the outcome. Predestination of the saints. Predestination of the sinners.
Problem is, I am not thoroughly sure which one I am. In all transparency, saints are sinners; because there is no man without sin. Yet some go to be with the Lord, and some don't.
I have quietly speculated untold amounts of time on miscellaneous fears throughout my days. Does the Lord God love women as much as men? I have reasoned over and over whether or not females are valued equally as males. It has haunted me throughout my life, even as a young girl.
I have wondered if we, the ladies, are meant to be used and burdened as animals are. I would love to embrace the comfort and peace of a God who loves me as well as my brother, but a deceitful power has kept me as his prisoner; in denial of my Father's love.
Amongst other fears, I am afraid that maybe my husband will not love me. I am terrified that my children will someday condemn me for the way that I have raised them. I am worried that someday I might contract a terminal illness and suffer immense pain.
I am afraid that our country is going to Hell in a hand-basket. I am concerned that maybe we won't have enough money to retire someday. I am scared that my Mom will pass away and I will need her and she will be gone. I am afraid that our house will fall apart from termites and that various structure failures will destroy our home before it is even paid off.
But most of all, even more than death itself, I am afraid of wasting my life. All of these but one, I can now see; are uncontrollable.
I have a good life. The American Dream. I can only imagine the tortured existence of those who are much, much worse off than us. May God have mercy on their affliction, and strike their oppressors with a mighty blow. Bring relief to the perishing and lighten the load of the weary. That's what He does.
The truth is behind the darkness. Truth is, I can never be in control. There is no such thing.