Our lives were nothing but a blur. Everyday we would do all we
could to make sure it didn't feel like we were alive. Because who
would really want to live in something as evil as this? Who would
want to go through all of these fucked up trials when you can
find a way to make it easier? And that's what we did. It was as
if we cheated life. We cheated ourselves out of really truly
living. But I think in the end it was easier that way.
The room spins and it is late. My Joseph is on the bed and he has
a book next to him. The room spins and I think the lights are
flickering but I don't know. I think there is a storm outside and
I think I am dying. But my thoughts mean nothing because they're
not real. How sad is it for me to live day to day believing
nothing is real.
"What is the fucking meaning of life?" Suddenly I am speaking.
Sometimes I am not really sure when I'm speaking or if the
thoughts in my head are just so fucking loud that I think I am
speaking. "To die and to be fucked over and fucked up when you
are alive. There is no meaning, there is no fucking meaning. We
live on an "Earth" which I consider a fucking black hole. Our
lives are black holes. Everything is sucked away. There is no
such thing as freedom and there is no such thing as happiness. We
are enslaved by a planet, by a workplace, by education and by
people I don't even know. Slavery is what controls us. Slavery is
all this world is. We are enslaved to the person beside us, to
our fucking aunts, to "Authority". We are enslaved. And it never
ends. Because then you die and you are enslaved either with
angels or with demons. But really, this earth is full of angels
and demons. I see demons every day. I know Satan and he is my
friend. I know the Lord is watching but he hasn't been my friend
for years. This life is a black hole and I am being sucked away.
I'm being sucked to nothing. Do you fucking hear me?!" I scream
at Joseph, I scream and hit the bed. When I hit the bed the
cocaine he had set out on the book goes flying. The book bounces
and the cocaine goes into the air.
Joseph stares at me. I see his face turning red with anger and I
see the steam coming out of his ears. This is when I love him the
most. I love him the most before he explodes with anger and the
hatred pours through his eyes like blood. The blood of his hatred
pours down his body and a puddle forms on the floor, until there
is nothing but red. We are covered in red and it's all over.
"What is your fucking problem?" He pushes me very hard and I fly
across the room, hitting the wall.
I stand up and grab his large handle of Jack Daniels, I walk to
the balcony while he yanks my arm trying to pull me back. I hear
a pop and assume my arm has been torn out of place. It would not
be the first time so I am neither upset nor shocked. I yank with
my strength against him and run to the balcony. The lid is off
and I watch the whiskey that burns a hole in our throats spill
off the balcony and on to the unsuspecting ground. The whiskey is
tainted like our earth, and now the dirty ground will become more
tainted and more evil.
Everything goes silent in my mind, everything goes in slow
motion. I watch, drip by drip, as the whiskey flows out. I smile,
I smile so fucking wide because I am winning. I am in the right
and this is my moment. I am no longer enslaved in this moment and
I am free. I am the queen of this prison and I am fucking free.
Suddenly, everything shifts back and my Joseph pulls me so hard
and I fall with the loudest thud onto the ground. The bottle
flies with me and shatters onto the ground. I begin to laugh at
this mess I've made. This beautiful mess is so holy and so pure.
I have cleaned myself of impurities and now the world is right.
Joseph is screaming curses at me, he is pulling my arm, he is
throwing me around like I'm a stuffed animal but I keep laughing.
This is when I love him most. I love when he is dying of hatred,
when all he can think about is killing me and when he is so close
to splitting up with me. But we both know that would never
happen. We are part of each other forever. This is our heavenly
enslavement. We're handcuffed to each other for eternity.
Enslavement never ends but we love this enslavement. What could
be better than to be handcuffed to the one who loves and hates
you more than any other?
I believe that is a true relationship, a true commitment. You
have to balance the love with hate. How could you possibly love
someone unconditionally if you didn't also hate them? Hate and
love are the same thing if you really examine it. As they say,
the opposite of love is not hate; It is indifference. So if you
truly love someone you equally hate them as much. I hate my
Joseph but god I love him and it's a beautiful thing. We are
indifferent to the world but our feelings are balanced and we are
balanced. We are eternal and everyone else will die in ashes.
It's funny how you can be so in love with someone, you can find
that perfect romance, and be the loneliest you've ever felt.
Maybe in reality, I have had it all wrong. My idea of perfect is
another's idea of self destruction and terror. My reality is not
the same as others. I always had a feeling things were wrong. I
always wanted to deny them and it made me go crazy. In this
moment, in all of these moments, I have gone crazy. I love and I
cry and I work, I am with the love of my life. But I have never
been so lonely. I have never felt so much as if the world is
collapsing on me. I could leave. But then I would really be
lonely. I could stay. But then I would really be lonely.
You see how the world tricks you. You see how life tricks you.
How people trick you. But most of all, you have to see how you
trick yourself. Trick yourself into believing, "He is THE one".
Or "I look quite lovely in this dress". We trick ourselves the
most into believing life is wonderful and when we fall in love it
really is a fairytale. You think you fall so far into fucking
love and it slaps you in the face, or in my case He slaps you in
the face. I don't know what love is yet I claim to be madly in
love. I know what ignorance is, I know what hatred is, I know
what defiance is and yes I know what loneliness is. But love? No
I do not know that.
Joseph has laid down in bed and I come and curl up next to him.
He stiffens and awkwardly coughs. I lay my head on his shoulder
and trace our names on his chest.
"What is wrong with us?" He quietly asks.
I feel like he has memory loss. We've never been a "lovey dovey"
couple. We have been the same since we met, and it is because of
me. I am crazy. I am a different person than the rest of the
humans. My Joseph is a king and I was a slave woman who he picked
out one day and decided was meant for him. Actually, that is
backwards. I am a queen and Joseph was just a lonely boy. He was
a lonely helpless boy who needed to be loved. He was my game at
first and maybe he still is. But I'm in love with him now so the
game has flipped. I guess this is God's game to play on my wicked
I put my hand on his pale face. His blue eyes shine and search me
up and down. They try and read me and they are asking so many
questions. Asking "why do I love you, how did this happen, why
are you so beautiful, why why why why". I kiss him softly and
hope this answers all his silly questions. The answers don't
matter, all that matters is that we are still together. We can
never part, unless one of dies. We have both known this from day
one. A love so real and twisted and beautiful is always crystal
His hand touches my hair, my waist, my breasts, my lower back, my
legs. He searches me, searches for meaning and for love. I give
him both. The meaning of us is one beyond words but he knows when
we are connected and yelling out as we release our pleasure,
hatred, evil our demons. The love is neverending the love is
something we can never turn off.