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It's about finding true love and losing it. If anybody can read this and let me know what they think I would really appreciate it-was it love or all lies?

Submitted:Jul 16, 2007    Reads: 150    Comments: 4    Likes: 0   

Bravo-Take A Bow I remember it like it was yesterday. He had emailed me on a dating sight. I read his profile. The first thing to catch my eye was his profession-Tattoo Artist. I've always had this thing about tattoos. I don't know why or when it started, but I love them. Even though I don't have any-YET. The second thing I noticed was his hair. I don't know why or when I started liking guys with long hair, but I think it might have something to do with the bands that I was obsessed with when I was growing up. Guns N' Roses, Poison, Warrant, and Tesla to name just a few. So I emailed him back asking what it would cost to get a unicorn tattoo. The whole time I kept thinking why is this guy interested in me. He emailed me back with it depends on where, do you want color, size, stuff like that. I decided it was time to flirt a little bit. After all we were probably never going to meet anyway. Might as well have some fun. So I emailed him back and said, "Oh, I thought we might work it out somehow." He didn't email me back this time. He popped up on my IM. He said, "LOL. Nobody has ever offered me that kind of trade." Of course, I'm sure he told a little white lie then. We chatted all night. We talked about everything. It was the night before Thanksgiving 2004. We talked online from 10 pm until 7 am. I wasn't tired and I didn't want to stop talking even then. I had to come back down to earth though and morph back into mother mode. I had to shower and get the turkey in the oven. It sure wasn't going to fix itself. I guess he didn't want to stop talking either. He asked if he could call me. I didn't even hesitate. I immediately said yes. Although looking back that might not have been such a great idea. I mean I really didn't even know him, but all of my rational thinking flew right out the window. He really did have me from the first email. So a quick shower wasn't going to happen, an hour bath talking on the phone the whole time happened instead. We hung up just long enough for me to get dressed, put the turkey in the oven and start my cornbread dressing and cherry cheesecake. Then I called him back. We talked for two more hours while I cooked. I still don't know how we found so much to say. It was as if we had known each other our entire lives. I knew that no matter what happened this man was supposed to come into my life. I knew he was going to change my life in someway, but at that time I had no idea just how much. We talked every second of everyday that we could for the next several weeks. The more we talked, the more I liked him. We had so much in common. I was terrified of the feelings I was having. I didn't want to like him, I didn't want to trust him, and I sure didn't want to fall in love with him. Soon we decided it was time to meet. It was time to see if we had the same feelings in person as we did online and on the telephone. I was so terrified and nervous. He had seen pictures of me and my children, but I couldn't help but think that he might change his mind when he saw me in person. He might turn and run away. I kept telling myself that it would be better to find that out then and get it over with, before I fell harder than I already had. When he pulled in we hugged and instantly we shared the most passionate kiss I had ever experienced in this whole lifetime and I know that if I live to be a 100 years old, I will never feel that again. He was so close to perfect that it was scary. He was everything I had ever dreamed of and more. I loved him so much-I still do. He played with the two youngest boys while I fixed breakfast. My daughter and my second son thought he was great. When he showed them some pictures of his tattoo work, they were putty in his hands. He re-pierced her ears and he showed him his tattoo designs. When I started to sit beside him he pulled me onto his lap. I felt like this was the one place that I belonged. So this is what happiness felt like. Wow, what a feeling. He looked at me like I was somebody special and for the first time in my life I felt like maybe I was somebody. I never wanted this feeling to ever end. Mom came over to stay with the kids and we went out to eat. We went back to mom's apartment for the weekend. I wanted to be able to give him all of my attention. There would be plenty of time for him to bond with the kids later. Besides he only had to win one more over to his side anyway, but I knew that wasn't going to be easy. He would be a tough nut to crack. He was and still is his father's son. Before we left for mom's he was starting to talk to him a little bit. They didn't have the tattoo/piercing bound going for them. They didn't have the playing and rough housing bound. But eventually they found their common ground-computers, music and cars. They also had art in common although my son was more into painting or computer graphics. He on the other hand reflected his art on skin canvas with needles. We had this amazingly passionate night. For once I didn't feel ugly or forced into doing something that I didn't want to do. I felt safe with him. That's something I had never felt before. I remember thinking I could get used to this. I wanted to keep him. I was heads over heels in love with him. There was no turning back now. I think he loved me too. He said he did all of the time. I have to tell myself that he did anyway. It's the only way that I can cope with my loss. We wrote poetry for each other. We saw the sights. He sang to me and we spent a lot of time cuddling and talking. He said I was his fantasy girl. He was everything to me. I didn't want him to leave when he did, but that shop wasn't going to run itself. I cried when he left. He said, "This is not over-it's just the beginning." He called me back to the car three times for another good-bye kiss. I don't think he wanted to go either. He called me as soon as he got to his ex-wife's house. He had stopped to see his daughter. When he was leaving to go back to the shop he called me to tell me he was leaving. He called as soon as he got home. We talked for hours. It was the middle of December and he was going to visit his dad over Christmas. His dad was getting married and he was going to be the best man. I didn't think he would call me while he was gone, but he did. He called as soon as he got off the plane and was in the car on his way to his dad's house. Things were going great, but there were still some nagging little doubts that I started having. I chalked it up to my trust issues. I had told him, "If you have another girlfriend, it's okay. I will see you when we can." He assured me that he didn't have another girlfriend, but there were still those little things that were bugging me. I had never pictured myself saying that to anyone. I had always thought that someday I would fall in love and be in a monogamous relationship. I loved him so much though and I was willing to take whatever I could get. On January 14, 2005, he asked me to marry him and I, surprising myself and my daughter, said yes. I had never pictured myself married again. NEVER. But as he sat there telling me in detail about the beautiful wedding that we were going to have-I was lost. I was there in that moment. I could see it so clearly in my mind. I could see the purple roses and hear the music. He said that he knew from the first kiss that I was the one that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. I hung on his every word. I was wrapped so tightly around his little finger that I couldn't see what was right there in front of my face. Looking back now I realize I was probably only a piece to him. Nothing more. When I got the email from the WITCH, you can change the W to B, that works even better, 10 days after he proposed, I was shocked, although I shouldn't have been. There were signs, after all I had been a cheater myself-not him of course-so I just knew. The horrible nasty email wasn't enough though; she had to call me too. She told me that they were engaged and that they had been since Christmas Eve. I wasn't going to give up without hearing it from his lips. So I said, "Bitch, is he there?" She said, "Yes, he's here."I said, "Put him on the damn phone. I want to hear it from him. He owes me that much." I said, "what in the hell is going on?" He said, "I'm so sorry." I said, "I didn't do anything to you. All I did was love you." He said, "I know. Chin up (he always said that when I was down). It's all going to be okay." In the background she yelled, "Hang up the f***ing phone." And he did. That wasn't the end of the story though. She sent me these horrible emails saying that I probably screwed my mom while my stepdad screwed me. Or that I probably slept with my sons while he had sex with my daughter. I have always tried to find the good in everybody but for the life of me I couldn't find anything good about this bitch. I hated her more than I did my rapist and I vowed that somewhere down the line I will get even with her. She better watch out because I have twenty-eight years of being hurt and abused and taking it bottled up inside. I will have my revenge. But at that moment I deleted my email account and disappeared. He called me and left a few messages. "I love you". That's all he would say. I wouldn't answer the phone. I moved. I cried and died inside. I'm still dead inside. I need answers. What did I do to deserve this? In March of 2005, he called me, looked up my number online. He asked me to marry him all over again. He said that when he got back from his dad's, his lights were off at the shop. He had given the money to his friend to pay it, but they didn't. His phone was cut off soon after that. He couldn't work and make money without electricity. He said she paid all of the bills and put everything in her name. Basically he was working for her now. There was one condition though; he had to break up with me. Break up with me or lose his business. He had worked so hard to get his own shop. I could never ask him to give that up for me. I asked him how she knew about my past to send the horrible emails. He had a believable answer for that too. He said he had told his best friend, he told his girlfriend and his girlfriend is her friend and she told her. It might have been a lie, but that was how they met through her. I hadn't had my monthly since before we were together. I told him and he got all excited. He thought we were going to have a baby. I wanted to believe him. I prayed for that, but I knew that it wasn't possible. I had my tubes tied in 2001. He knew that, but he said that God had answered his prayers. I told him I had to go to the doctor. He was excited, but I was worried. I was afraid there was something really wrong. When I went to the doctor and she started ordering all kinds of test, then I was terrified. She thought that I had a tumor and it might be cancerous. I had to have an ultrasound, all kinds of blood test and I couldn't even tell him. I wouldn't get to talk to him for a week. She was there at the shop as she was every other week, when her ex had her kids. He had emailed me the day of my appointment and said, "Everything is going to be okay. I saw them. I had a vision. We had three beautiful babies-two girls and one boy." He even had them named. God I wanted to believe. It was a beautiful dream. I would have loved to been the mother of his children, but even before I went to the doctor, I knew it wasn't going to be good news. Or at least not the news he wanted to hear. I couldn't have any more children and he thought we were going to have triplets. When I finally got to tell him, he was crushed. Then he was worried. If that wasn't what he was feeling then he should win an Oscar. He said that the baby was going to be his way of getting rid of her blackmailing ass and that we were finally going to be together. He was so disappointed. We waited for the results for what seemed like an eternity and like I said if he wasn't really worried, then he should definitely win an Oscar or a Grammy. Luckily, it wasn't cancer. It was an ovarian cyst. It was painful, but unless it grows more I don't need surgery. That is when they found out that there is something wrong with my adrenal glands and my belly fat is from cortisol. It also affects my depression, my moods, and my energy level. He finally convinced me to move there sometime in June and he was supposed to be going to check on a house he wanted to rent. So the next day I called him to see if he had checked on it. He said he was working and that he would call me later." As soon as he hung up, the phone rang. I thought wow that was quick, but it was her. I had screwed up. I didn't know the bitch was there. It wasn't her week. She told me that I had better never step foot at that shop. She owned it. He worked for her. At least that part of his story was true. She also said that if I didn't back off that she would kill me, him, his daughter and my kids.He called me a couple of days later and quickly said, "I love you. I have never stopped and I never will. For eternity." I said, "I love you too to infinity and beyond." That is something we always said for eternity and to infinity and beyond. I know it was so corny, but I miss it so much. And he was gone. That was it. And I miss him so much. I found a website today that he used to be on and saw one of his latest tattoos and it brought back all of the love, ANGER, and sadness back. It was a tattoo on her hip. It should have been my tattoo, not the same kind-I hate that particular Rock Star that she loves. Partly because she likes him. I thought they got married. That's what somebody told me, but it said girlfriend's hip. Not that it matters. I just want to know what I did to destroy the only relationship that ever took my breath away and got me (someone that is terrified of marriage) to say yes not once, but twice. He sure did put on one hell of an act. BRAVO!! Stand up and take a freaking bow.


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