I am sitting in a room, on a couch, talking to him. There is Mexican music playing from the other room and people step into the kitchen to get more food and beer. We can hear people laughing and Spanish party-chatter: noises that remind me of The Sims.
I think about how sometimes we hurt each other. We've become too honest. I say exactly what is on my mind, without trying to filter it, without thinking. I don't know if it is because I am subconsciously trying to sabotage something great or maybe I really mean it.
I talk about old lovers, nameless and unspecific, of course, because I say I don't kiss and tell. He says that is rare in a girl and I smile. Lying is so easy sometimes. Especially when we are so good, we believe ourselves. He tells me about Jennifer, trusts me enough to give the gory details and I thank him for the confidence he puts in me.
We complain to each other, which usually works out okay because it gives us an outlet and a person to lean on. We call it love. Whining is not love. We do it anyways, usually alternating bad days, but every now and then we both have a bad day. We fight. People say all healthy couples fight, but this is exhausting. I hate fighting with you.
We talk about the reasons girls stay in unsuccessful relationships. I told him I wish I knew, but, looking back, my first boyfriend ending our relationship was the best thing to ever happen to me. He tells me that they have been together for a year and almost a half. Moving in together was a mistake. She needed to grow up a little more and he needed to slow down.
Distance is a difficult thing. Not being a twenty-minute drive away any more is killing us, it's taking its toll. We get frustrated easily and we'll take it out on each other. We've stopped praying together and we haven't read the Bible in a very long time. Maybe that is what is making everything so much more difficult than it has to be. God should always be the center.
I think in my mind as he tells me things about her, without a smile, that maybe he is settling. He recognizes they do not have the same morals and I ask him if he can really imagine spending the rest of his life with her. He shrugs and says only time will tell. I shake my head. It's never about time. It's always about choices.
We say 'I love you' and 'I'm sorry' too much. We need to show it more. I need to show it more. I need to be more selfless like you. It scares me that you make plans based on us. I don't think, if role were reversed, that I could do the same, I could never give up a dream. But, you tell me I am the greatest dream you'll ever have and I believe you. I become afraid as sacrifices become bigger.
He tells me how he made some mistakes before and I try to hide my surprise. This level of honestly can't just be the alcohol talking, can it? He laughs and smiles when we stop talking about Jen and talk about me. He is proud of the woman I have become. I blush and agree. It's never about time. It's always about choices.
I need to support you, even if that means the Coast Guard. I think Josie is right. I shouldn't find a guy that fulfills everything on the list. I need to find a guy that makes me want to throw the list out the window. You make me want to throw the list out the window. I love you, the whole package, even the things I can't stand- the little quirks- even the imperfections, the things that annoy me, the things I hate too sometimes. I love you. I can't wait to hold your hand.
I call it a night around 3 am and, since I don't know the way out of the neighborhood, he gives me directions. He gives me a huge hug. He tells me he didn't think he would ever see me again, that surprising him made his day, week, month. He thanks me again for coming tonight. I could tell he needed me for a little while. I didn't realize it would go both ways tonight. I say goodnight and pull out into the street.