Deep, deep darkness, a black hole of pain and misery. That's what I lived with for 7 years of my life. Every day was a constant struggle to wake up, get out of bed and somehow make it through the day without cutting myself. I didn't (and still don't) let go of the past because when something/someone hurts me, I put it to the back of my mind and blocked it off so that it didn't hurt me. A lot of the time, for example at a funeral, whenever I cried my mother told me not to because it was "for someone else" (my dad, my aunt et) so after a while I decided to stop showing the world how I felt.
I was also bullied, something which taught me that if I showed my feelings they would be exploited, so I stopped. Sadly it didn't stop the hurt, it just internalised it to the stage where I am who I am today. I beat myself up, I believed (and still believ) the worst of myself ... all because it's easier to believe. I also haven't dealt with what happened. It's still there at the back of my mind. The hurt is still there, like a big black hole waiting to swallow me whenever a fresh hurt wounds me. Layer upon layer, like an onion but in reverse. This onion is growing bigger and bigger with each new wound, and my heart is so scratched and bruised that it looks like a chessboard.
Round and round like a merry-go-round, every spin turning my gaze further from the truth, every push throwing me further down the road that I tried to leave. Every step is unwillingly taken, yet I still do it. Why do I do it? Can I let go of the past, or will the past always haunt me? Darkness still walks one step behind me like an unwanted poltergeist, a shadow that stalks my footsteps by day and sits at my head by night. My dreams are filled with thoughts of death, as they have been since I started secondary school. The world decided, 7 years ago, that it would make my already dreadful life even worse by sending me people who would be nice to my face, then write and say horrid things about me behind my back.
When I went to university, I thought it was over. Finally I'd left the town that had brought me so much misery ... or had I? Unfortunately not. You can take the girl out of Ramsgate, but Ramsgate follows the girl ... and it followed me all the way to Norwich. Friends became enemies in disguise, sheep in wolves' clothing if you will, and I was too naive to see it until it was too late. It took me 20 years to admit I had a problem, and 2 years of university to get the help I needed.
I am having long-term therapy to cope with the problem, but sometimes it seems like it's too much to bear. I get two steps forward then take three steps backwards, all the time trying to remind myself that things will get better and that one day I will be free of all this pain and able to look back on it with pride. It will take time, but one day I will get out of this black hole and into the light.