There is nothing worse than longing to be a parent and then seeing a child cry. Placement comes around and every day you just dread going into the nursery because you just know that at least one child will take one look at you and cry. At times like that it's hard to remember that it's not your fault and that they just want some food, drink, or a cuddle or nappy change. When you're looking down at a red, scrunched-up face full of rage, it's the most awful thing ever. You just feel so helpless and lost, almost like you have no idea what to do to make them happy again. Whatever you try, it doesn't work, and eventually you just have to admit defeat. The child has won, and they still haven't got whatever it is that they wanted.
Cuddles often don't work for me as the child often struggles and kicks. Children seem to have an aversion to me, unless I have something that they want or I'm the nearest climbing post. It breaks my heart to realise that children only like me when I have something they want, and it worries me because I worry that the same thing will happen with my own children and I won't be able to cope.
It's a frightening thought, really.
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