I don't really remember the last time I talked to him. It might have been before Christmas, or after it. Truth is that I tried so hard to keep him out of my mind. Convincing myself I did the right thing. I always had this thing with ending things abruptly. The second I felt it was the second it was done. I'm so impatient when it comes to such things. As I texted him my last goodbye I was convinced I'm not one for love. Every time I had a chance to fall in love, I would let it go. And every time an opportunity comes, I will let it go. I will ruin it in my own cold ways until I am sure of myself. Like I always have. I don't want to hurt anyone, but it just happens. I want to love someone, I really do, but whenever I think about it, I'm not ready. How can I give up my freedom? I have lived my whole entire life just living by the rules. I haven't enjoyed life yet. I never socialized, just kept myself secluded from the world as the weight on my bones and the pressure on my shoulders kept building.
The last thing I wanted was to be limited to things due to a relationship. When I realized what my life was, I looked at others in envy and hated who I was. I became so insecure and till this day I struggle sometimes. Somedays convinced I'm so beautiful and other days thinking I'm better off with a mask. Insecurity has ruined it allfor me. When I see a girl who isn't even that good-looking with him… I just feel stupid. Who said I have to be a perfection before I can live a life? But I can't let myself turn away until I know that my insecurities won't be in the way. That's my problem, and I want to be dedicated to making it go away. Now I really miss him. I want to know what its like to actually kiss him. I want what we planned to be true. I wish it can happen. I didn't know what I had until I lost it. If he ever heard me say that, he would probably say that I was right.
Maybe if she was out of the way we could make up, but I don't think that's ever going to happen.No matter how much I miss him I can't label my feelings for him as true love. Just someone I had a "thing" with (nothing sexual), and it was more serious than any other "thing" I ever experienced. It is so complicated that I can't even explain it. I don't even have a single clue of how to explain it or where to start. It all just started when I came back from Europe. I was a mess back then. I went to Europe an innocent girl and came back as a girl who had survived the past three years. Someone who wasn't going to take shit from anyone anymore. No one really knows what happened, except my brother of course. We went through hell and it seemed like life loved torturing us there. It was so hard.
When I came back and first started talking to him, he tried so hard to be with me. Fought so hard for me and I had no experience with love. I don't think he did either but I went along with it anyway. I never imagined things would become so serious. Going on and off for so long that we became so much closer. And when I realized he would be hurt if I ever left, I became too scared to leave. Before I knew it this infatuation was being dominated by my eagerness to achieve something in life and the fact that I was only talking to him because I was scared to hurt him. I wanted my education and freedom so much. That's all I wanted to concentrate on. We sometimes didn't talk for months and on.
Before all this catastrophe happened, I had my first boyfriend. After breaking up me and him started talking again. It was then that I realized how attached he was to me. Then after a couple more relationships failed and I destroyed, I realized I should just leave love alone for a bit. Then he came back into my life again. This time more serious. No matter how many times I threw him away, he always came back to me like a boomerang. I guess when that happens a woman feels a certain kind of power. And when you have a power like that it really gets to your head. Before I knew it I became more heartless and cold. This was my personality. I was capable of destroying anything if I put my mind into it. I wouldn't have mercy. This was my dark side that I failed to have control over when it came to him. I can't just blame myself for this though. He persisted and pushed and pleaded. He wouldn't go away and I was tired of being a slave to his feelings. I was tired of never saying goodbye because I knew it would hurt him.
Whenever I tried, he always made me feel like I was destroying his life. He needed me and couldn't risk losing me. What exactly was I supposed to do when someone was hanging on to me like that? Even now I feel like this isn't the end. Something always brings him back to me. "I love you" was used so carelessly. If he ever tells me again I wouldn't know whether I should believe it or not, if they were sincere or not, and I wouldn't know if it was because he was in love with me or just loved me. I would probably never know.
No matter how many time he comes back to me, I will probably push him away even though I have never felt like this about anyone else before. I wish I could go back in time and change whatever caused him to love me so much. I never tried. All I did was listen to what he had to say. He had so many problems and not many people to talk to. That must have taken him by surprise when someone from such a terrible school was decent enough to not judge him. Someone who was so easy to talk to and a girl at that who wasn't some slut and understood him. Somehow we both got dragged into such a mess. Before I knew it I was called a liar and a girl who led him on. He never listened to what I had to say. He doesn't know everything.
I'll leave it at how it is because I don't want to ruin his relationship. I'm tired of going back and forth. I know I can't commit and there is no point in justifying anything anymore. I played the villain and he played the victim in the end. That's it, and guess what? The victim wins, only because I let him. Victims usually win. Its like the story of Zeus and his brother. Everyone thought Zeus was so great, but they didn't know what Zeus had done to his brother to win his own status. When his brother sought revenge no one understood him and claimed him as the evil one.
There is always a reason why someone does something, but the one that seems so innocent always seems to win while neglecting the one that was also hurt. Even if they are at partial fault too. But no ever sees that now do they? I guess you can say now everything is supposedly done with that I am content. He is out of my life like I wanted and I should really be happy. Well... not really. I still can't deny that I still feel terrible about everything that has happened. No to mention I see his younger brother who is a spitting image of him.
Everytime I see him, I get a mini heart attack and I have to tell myself that it's not Adem. I always also see his mother too because she picks up his younger brother. His brother has autism therefore, I never miss a day of seeing them. I just hope one day his mother doesn't talk to me or knows about me. She probably has no clue that the girl she sees every morning running late to class is actually the girl that her son loved so seriously.