Is my life really worth
anything, I think to myself as
my band class is dismissed. Its lunch period, but I'm not hungry.
The need of love is too great for me. I couldn't possibly eat
anything without breaking down into tears in front of all my
friends. They're too nice and compassionate to cry in front of.
They'd be on to me about what's wrong all day. Of course, I like
that in a friend, which is why I choose my friends carefully, but
I just can't handle their compassionateness today. Can I possibly
go three more hours in school without crying? I'm already at the
verge of tears.
I put my instrument up, and my sheet
music. I go into the hall and just sit. Everybody's already gone
to lunch and my teacher's in the teacher's lounge. I just sit
there and cry. I cry for my mother that I never met. I cry for my
sister that's across the state. And I cry for myself. I have
nothing left. No love, except from my friends, which I couldn't
do without, especially when it's from Kendra and Haley. They're
always so open and caring. That's rare in a person. I have all
B's in almost all my classes and one F. Everything in my life is
I got in a huge argument with my
foster parents last month over me wanting to move to a new foster
home. My foster dad got mad at me and said, "So you just want to
move 'cause you can't go to a stupid friend's house." They tell
me they love me all the time, but I don't feel their love. If
they did love me, I would feel it.
"You know what," my foster mom said,
"we don't care. If you want to move, that's fine with me. You
know, we feed you. We pick up after you. We care about you. Heck,
if it weren't for us, you'd still be in Gibault right
"You don't know that," I said, nearly
in tears, "someone would've come along and got me."
My foster dad piped up and said
sarcastically, "Yeah sure"
Those two simplewords silenced me, "I
hate you", I said those three words with all the anger and hatred
I could. Because I did hate them now.
That's what happened in the fight. And
now I'm cooped up with them. I'm probably gonna end up being with
them until I'm eighteen.
Suddenly, I heard footsteps coming
toward the hall. It was obviously a teacher, because not very
many students wear high heels. I couldn't let a teacher see me
cry, they came closer and closer. I quickly got a book out and
covered my face, pretending I was reading it. I tried to keep
myself from sobbing. My band teacher walked in. Good, it's just
her. She's seen me cry before, and she knows I have a troubled
life. She cares about my feelings and listens to me. If only she
knew how I felt about her. I want her to adopt me, but that's
just a fantasy. I wish I could talk to her more and be with her,
especially after my fights with my foster parents. She probably
never even thinks about adopting me.
"Hey Tim," she says to me. She looks
at me and is apparently able to hear me sob. "I knowthat your
grades are fallingand I'm sure you're upset, but you just got to
study more. You can put the book down now. You are a straight A
student and your grades have been a little down. Is there
something you need to let out or talk about"
I finally give in and tell her about
the fight. She listens and hears well. I still don't tell her
about wanting her to adopt me. I should keep that in the dark for
a while. After I tell her everything, she understood my trouble
(most of it, at least).
"Tim, just hold on to watcha' got,"
she says," heck, if your foster parents bother you that bad, I'd
just adopt you right now to get your foster parents off your
hands, but...it's just such a long process."
"Would you really? I can't take them
anymore. They've tooken everything from me, especially the
privileges thattheynever gave me. They don't care what happens to
me. They were never even proud of me. For example, when I got all
A's in class, they said, whoop-de-do. That's what you're supposed to
do.You and my friends are all I
have left...please," I begged her, bursting into tears. My face
feels like a waterfall. Tears stream down my face, hoping that
she wasn't kidding.
"We'll see Tim," she says, and even
she has tears welling up in her eyes, "I would, without a doubt,
adopt you. It's just such a long process. I'll see what I can do.
But, know this. I love you and I always will, andyou know
what?I'mproud of you, okay." She gets up and leaves the
hallway, and I hear her walking away.
Was that a yes or a no? I still felt
alone. I still felt that my life wouldn't go anywhere from there,
but another thing that I felt, for the very first time since I
was five, was love. I still sat there, crouched in a little ball,
crying. I cried of pain. I cried of sorrow. I cried an
unexplainable cry. But most of all, I cried of joy, because I was