Hello Booksie, it's been a fun two weeks of writing again =D I can't thank you all enough for your kind words and support with everything. You all have NO IDEA how much it means to me! Especially you people who just read my stuff, that stuff freakin' ROCKS! And of course you people who I asked to read my stuff and you actually did.You all are just so uplifting.
However, I have to be entirely somber and honest to you all, because you all do mean a lot to me. If you've noticed my last poem, "I Need Help", it is a legitimate cry for help to my therapist. Granted she won't read it, but hopefully you're all getting the idea that I NEED HELP. Severely. Anything I wrote about has now been ten folded in ways I really need to sit down and get as much help as possible. I was told medication might be a choice, and while I have never been crazy about the idea I may have to.
I'm at the point where the person I am angry at is in danger of me. At marching band last night I had to have someone take my cymbals from me so I didn't throw them. I shut down entirely. I was digging my finger nails into my wrist and by the end of the night my wrist was entirely red. I even attempted to cut myself when I was home.
I have been having relapses for the past few months. Growing up, I didn't have the best social experience and I felt alone and against everyone most of the time. This past week, though, everything has gotten worse instead of going away like it normally did. The last time I felt anything like this was in 9th grade. Ever since then I have had other problems and the feelings had gone away. However, it's only getting worse now.
I already contacted my therapist. I will most likely be admitted to a hospital where they can evaluate me and help me out. I don't know how long I'll be there or if I'll be able to do anything involving the internet. Once I tell my therapist everything, then I plan on everything to unfold as it should so I can take the steps I need to get rid of everything, to stop haitng so much, and just be stable.
I can't even beging to go into an in depth explaination of everything, but I know there's gonna be some negative consequences. But this is because I have to do stuff for myself. I need to stop being so angry because it's going to kill me if I let it go. I don't wanna get worse. I wanna be okay.
I hope you guys don't need me to spell this out for you, because this is tough to actually say as it is. You guys are awesome and I want to get back to writing. I don't know when I'll actually be able to see my therapist, but I hope it's this week. I want to start feeling better now and I want you all to know how I end up.
I'll let you guys know when I'm back or when I'm leaving (If I am able to). If anything else happens, I'll let you know as well. You guys are awesome! =D