I was never happy. I wonder why all the things I did always seemed cynical or so at least I thought them to be. There was always a slight tinge of contempt even for myself. I found the idea of a self to be preposterous, at the level of personal gratification. Even though it was always never clear as to what I wanted to say or do I felt annihilation of self was necessary if only to have clarity of thought.
It was as though I knew from the very beginning that lack of corruption or profanity would lead to personal hate.
Everyone seems to like jumping on band wagons even if they never went anywhere. The very act of leaping seems to facilitate idiocy even with sound minds. Never mind the rude and untamed individuals who foster mob mentality, in time I think they self-destruct.
But for the rest of the populace it seems illogical to choose a directed thought rather than a personal conviction bred out of thought maturity. The latter being painstakingly practiced over time and not just some decision based on a whim. At thirty-one I am not compromising logic for some free falling thought. The problem with people and society has never changed. The concept of mainstream popularity coupled with economic superiority lives on even to this "evolved era".
What killed individual thinking hasn't been replaced and it shouldn't, otherwise the parameters for survival will have been destroyed and the human race rendered extinct. The world is run by whim and caprice. It is forever decorated with useless bandwagons designed to further only what is sustainable and commodifiable.
The day I entered high school I knew I would never survive in a commercially run world not even see it. Progress never has a polarity; it takes only steps and processes, into account and verifies them to be possibilities for new things to come, from there any individual will have to weigh moral convictions to proceed with the matter or not.
When you become comfortable with what you are you stagnate and fail to adapt to changes. The same goes for institutions, for everything comprises of people and so it will always be about people and their minds. The human mind was never designed to make life easy. It exists because it controls a living organism that continues to understand the constant fluctuation of life. It is forever growing.
There is a heavy price to be paid for those who pursue anything for simply wanting to understand those things. Are you willing to pursue knowledge or anything simply for itself alone? But because man has to live and perpetuate his/her continued advocacy, this very thing of advocacy becomes commoditized and ultimately corrupted. One has to self-check every once in a while. Once the job is done move to the next phase or practice incessantly every day.
I find money to be color blind but the opposite holds true for humans. Somehow a rainbow is only good while you are young. Colorific events in your life are never ingrained, in you; they are forgotten. But somehow accidents never leave your thoughts.
A slight bruise will always be etched in your memories no matter what. The happy ones, they float like rainbows. There is a light at the end of a or the tunnel. But if your eyes are not ready for it, you will simply forget what got you through that tunnel. You simply will not be able to retrace nor understand process. You feel relieved that somehow you managed to pull through. But you never ask "what made me do that?".
I sometimes wonder if I am angry at myself or is logic final taking over. You know that when your brain shifts it will never return to its previous state. Not to say that it is linear rather your mind grows like ripples on a surface; continued concentric circles build on top of the other until conveyance is complete. The cycle repeats but with the conveyance altered or grown in volume or surface area.
I look back on all the things I did. I reduced all my activities even what I produced when sketching or drawing to the barest facts. I simply put space, almost drab colors and never emotion into what I did. I would look at all things and one day I could only see black and white. Yet somehow I managed to slacken my almost machine like approach to life. I failed to operate under probable cause. Even now I only do things because I follow what I see on my list.
You get to a phase in your life where you have to decide to stay or leave. If you leave you will be forever on your own and the fear of extinction or early death looms in your mind.
At this point I am unnerved by the reward and punishment system that people developed over time. So long as I contain myself there should be no conflict between others. I am only beginning to understand what I years backed even to those earlier years when they were all hazy and confusing.
There is always something to learn; unfortunately people will always be people.
Whatever comes…? It might not always come. Anxiety attacks, wishful thinking and catastrophic daydreaming are things I am finally getting a grip on. Ignorance is bliss... but it is also a truth needed for survival.