I was always the picked on, always bullied. Nobody ever saw it, never saw me in pain, I hid it so well. I have been getting bullied since grade school. I was always friends with the guys. I acted like the boys, talked like them, dressed like them, just about everything. I was friends with all the guys at my school. I think all the girls were jealous because I was friends with all their crushes, but I never cared. I just didnt like all the drama that the girls had, even in grade school there was drama. Like John Jenkins told me that Maggie Killborne kissed him then touched his "you know what". I was the only person who knew. I have severe depression. I have been a cutter since the seventh grade. I remember when I took a blade to my arm. My arm was my easil and my knife was my paintbrush. Strange to think like that. This is how it started.
In grade school the drama was "She took my bouncy ball and never gave it back" or "She didnt include me in the note passing or the book talk". It was simple as that. I was blamed for everything. My best friend, K'hanie Fredrikson, was always teased by my side, I think thats what made us closer. Maggie has been obsessed with him since the second grade, and she didnt like me because "I always stole him away from her". I never cared what she had to say about my friendship with K'hanie. I was always excluded from the girls activities when I had to get along with them.
In junior high the rumors kept getting worse and worse. It went from "She slept with my boyfriend" to "Shes a emo freak who deserves to die". There was worse things but I don't want to make a list. I was the girl that wore nothing in black. I had the black clothes, scary combat boots, thick black eyeliner and bright noticable eye shadow, But I was still friends with all the boys, even the top of the popularity chain guys. One day, that one fateful day in seventh grade, I was walking with K'hanie, John Jenkins, and Kyle Fredrikson and I just so happened to catch Maggie ona bad day. I accidentally stepped on her shoes and she shoved me, got in my face and yelled for the whole lunch room to hear "Move it you emo freak. Nobody likes you, go run home to your drug dealer who sells you your pot and meth. Any guy who your friends with is blind because you are the most disgusting, anorexic, filthy, bitch I have ever seen in my life. I'm sure your parents probably wish they aborted you because you are worthless."
I don't think I had ever been so embarressed in my life. I have never done anything to her, nothing, she doesnt even know me. Yet she hates me. I ran home, I dropped my lunch bag and ran out the front doors, nobody chased after me I don't think, I didnt care, I needed to leave. I ran home and slammed the door, I was home alone for a week because my parents and brother were on a family trip that I didnt want to attend to. I walked to the kitchen, makeup running down my face along with my tears that wouldnt stop falling. I grabbed the smallest but sharpest knife I could find and sat down on the balcony and started demolishing my arm. I heard a knock at the door but I ignored it. Who ever it was would leave eventually. Before I could get up to tell them to leave I heard K'hanie's voice coming up the stairs. Along but footsteps from Kyle and John. I cried and cut deeper with longer lines, blood trailing down my arm and onto the balcony floor, the pain felt so right. K'hanie ran outside grabbed the knife and threw it inside and wrapped me up in his arms, What I didnt notice was, I cut the top of a vain on my wrist and it was bleeding...fast. The pain was agonizing. K'hanie was crying and John and Kyle were both on the phone with the police. Next thing I know K'hanie is talking to the police but I'm still crying, I rub my wrist on the scratchy pointy floor and cut my wrist open more, its bleeding faster and colors were blending. I wanted to die. I was certain of it. Next thing I know. I black out.
When I woke up I was lying in a hospital bed. K'hanie was crying in the chair in the corner of the room on the phone. My wrists were bandaged along with my left arm that I tore to shreds. K'hanie was on the phone explaining my condition to my mother or father I suspected. He got off the phone and looked at me, his eyes filled with tears again and he ran over to me and hugged me tightly, careful not to his my wrist or arm. He hugged me and cried, he wouldnt speakm he just kept crying.