Today is one of those days where nothing feels right. From the moment I woke up I knew it'd be the worst day for me. Skipping came to my head as soon as I got here but I didn't walk out. But as each minute passes by I just want to get up and walk out…sometimes I don't even want to come back.
It's my grandpa's funeral today and I don't even get to go…All I can do is think about him. I barely even know him anymore. He was a god guy I know that. He could always make me smile when I was with him. I keep replaying the time when I stayed with them for a week. He was fun to be around.
There's something wrong with me. I don't even know what it is. Every time I eat I get all dizzy and I feel like I'm going to faint. My chest burns every day. Mornings are the worst because it burns with pain and it gets so unbearable I can't even walk. I run out of breath and the world stops. I go cold and then I get hot. Sometimes my sight goes blurry.
Losing my dad has to be the hardest thing I ever had to go through! We had this relationship no one understood not even me. He drank and yelled at me. Sure he kicked me out and made me cry myself to sleep. But when it was just us we had the best time. We would play fight, watch hockey, and cook. We did so much together. We joked around and had some great laughs but now he's gone and so is that relationship. When I talk to him he says very few words and his voice sounds distant; like he doesn't even want to talk to me anymore. It's not like I can forget this or forget him. He was one of the most important people in my life. The one I could always forgive even though he hurt me so much. I knew that I couldn't hate him for that long. Every time I see Angela I think about him. She is to blame for this. She is to blame for my dad hating me and not wanting to see me anymore. Angela is a reminder of losing my dad. I will hate her until I die. Even though we're friends now I still feel that pain and hate towards her. I can never forgive her…When I'm with her there are the times where I just want to strike her other times I just want to cry. I miss my dad every second of the day. I don't even know how to talk to him anymore. When I call him I feel like I shouldn't even be dialing the number. I don't understand people who can live without their dads…without mine I feel lost and sad.
My friends don't seem to interest me. The only people I hang out with after school is Chantelle and Jimmy. Well and Tenniel now that she's back. But when she came to see me yesterday she hurt me. She had an abortion…I had to stop myself from walking out of her life forever. I'm the reason she came back. She's my best friend and I love her. But she killed a baby…the whole time I was with her I thought of that beautiful baby girl who didn't get the chance to live.
School seems so pointless and stupid. I can't concentrate. I have too much on my mind. I still have to get my life back on track. Who knows how long that's going to take…I can't keep living with Chantelle. We just can't live together which sucks because she's like a sister to me. We are so much alike but yet so different and we both speak our opinions to the point we fight and can't stand to be around each other. It's not even that either. Her family is a lot like mine. No kid should be living with them. Way to much stress and drama. Her dad's a cheating little bitch who tries to make everyone's life a living hell. He has issues; he has verbally, physically, emotionally and mentally abused every one of his kids and his 2 granddaughters. He's physically, verbally, mentally, emotionally and sexually abused his wife…still does. Her house is not the place for me. I can't handle that. My life is already stressful enough. Each day is a struggle to stay…my mind always goes to the door…hoping to leave, escape this place and everyone in it.
I realized how much I miss Ryan…it sucks not knowing how he's doing or where he is. I love him, he was my first love…Every relationship I had after him was lost because of him…ironic eh? Love is such a complicated thing. It's like a rose calm and beauty but willing to draw blood. Ryan and I we're an amazing couple. Sure we both cheated but we got over it and we fell in love. I was the reason he stayed in Ponoka…I was the reason he came to school…He was the reason I was happy…completely happy. Every time I was around him all my problems just disappeared…no one else mattered. Just me and him, it was as if we were the only two in the world. He treated me with respect; he protected me and showed me off. He was proud to call me his girlfriend and didn't care what anyone else said. He fought to keep other guys away as if he would have to. I love him and wouldn't leave him for anyone. I can't live without him. I need to get closure or something because the thought of him drives me wild and he can ruin relationships without even knowing it.
Jimmy is a lot like Ryan. That's why everyone thinks I'm with him. Truth is they are different. They look a lot alike. Short, blonde hairs, body shapes are the same, smiles are alike and beautiful eyes. But Ryan was the sweetest guy I ever met, he never made one rude comment to me, he loved me. Jimmy has the whole "Asshole" attitude, he is funny and there's something about him that draws me in. Even though we aren't together we are still close…maybe sleeping' together isn't exactly the way to go…I don't see how it could hurt anyone. We both benefit from it, we both enjoy being with each other on a physical level…so there's really no problem.
My life isn't bad. I have great friends, awesome family and wonderful people who care about me. Sure they push me and piss me off but they wouldn't do it if it wasn't to help me become a better person. There are times where I want to yell at them and walk away from them and never speak to them again but I know their doing it for my own good. So even though I face difficulties each day the more important things are the ones I can smile at, at the end of the day.