Yesterday when Mike said pack your bags my heart dropped and the room started spinning. I knew I was about to cry but instead I smiled and walked into the room and started packin’. The whole time I was folding shit and packing shit I just wanted to cry. But I couldn’t, cryin’ wouldn’t get me anywhere so why bother? Once both bags were packed I looked at Mike smiled and said “I’m ready” The thing is I wasn’t. It meant that I had a whole new adventure to take and I’m not so sure how to handle it this time. I can’t keep living like this. I said it doesn’t phase me but it does, I’m 17 and I have no where to call “Home” how awesome is that. If you would’ve asked me 3 months would it be fun to live on my own I would’ve said hell yeah, no parents, no rules and all the freedom I could have. But now my answer is I would hate it, constant stress, huge responsibilities, and no one to lean on when you really need it. Living without my dad isn’t easy not at all. I’ve learned to pretend not to care because that way you don’t get hurt. When Mrs. Pears told me I could be expelled the next time I cried only because it’s the only thing I have left to lose and I don’t plan to anytime soon. School is my life. I can’t lose it or I’m done. I have nothing. That’s why I came to school, that’s why I wake up in the morning. Math is the only thing bringing me down. I have a math final and I don’t even know what it’s about! I don’t understand anything that we’ve done, it doesn’t help when you can’t learn from that teacher and the weird part is I don’t even mind her. She’s pretty funny at times. I just can’t learn from her. Witzman comes in for a day and I do a whole booklet and end up getting 100%.
I paint a smile on my face and laugh when necessary. No one knows how truly unhappy I am…I try and sometimes I can forget about my problems. It’s not even that I’m unhappy because there are the days I can’t stop smiling and being happy!
When you said that I better not have went and drank on my birthday and I quickly changed the subject it’s because the only day I didn’t drink was Saturday. Thursday and Friday I got pretty drunk and Sunday I got pretty tipsy. I’m sorry, I know it’s my dad’s thing and I know it’s not the responsible thing but honestly I felt better. Everything felt as if it was all going to be alright and I haven’t felt that since I lived at home. It doesn’t help when you actually start craving it either. I give in most of the time now, like last night Tenniel and I went drinkin’ (I know VERY wrong, but it made me feel better and forget about most of my problems)
Ryan stood me up again for the second time and I don’t understand it. He’s the one who texted me and asked if we could meet up not the other way around. A part of me wants to tell him to leave me alone and never talk to me again but the sad part is I can’t. I can’t imagine a life without him. He’s the first person I think of when I wake up (Even when I wake up to Jimmy) and the last person I think of when I go to bed. I dream about him, I just can’t him outta my mind. I love him, I do and even though I tried to get over him, I couldn’t. He lied and he hurt me. Yes he told me he was dead and I cried for days but should I really hate him? Yeah he cheated on me but is that a reason to leave? Especially since I cheated on him the exact night he did. We both made mistakes but he could always make me smile, he took away all my problems just by being around me. I was truly happy with him. I wanna feel that again. Even if it’s only for an hour…I need to.