Open letter (I did not die)
You created me one day pulled me out of a hat just like a magic trick. An endless ribbon of pain low self esteem neurosis paranoia and fear just kept pulling me out of the sleeve…..
I crawled into a bottle for many years, the hangovers never to be endured just chased into oblivion by an empty bottle. Drugs never ceased the voices……. It just took more and more just to feel nothing at all. Tomorrow almost never came. A syringe in my leg crippled me almost beyond salvation.
A cold hand dragging me into the nothingness…. Somewhere somehow a gentle hand carried me back into the light. Took the syringe away from this child’s fingers and wrapped a gentle hand round mine.
An overdose maybe an accident probably deliberate, I had given in. My white flag raised. The last stand found wanting, collapsed like a pack of cards. Lions led by sheep into the valley of death. Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I must fear evil for I am mortal and mortals can only die………
I did not die that day…… I did not die that March day; a drunk driver could not kill me. For some reason I survived…… Battered bruised and disfigured I survived…. Gentle hands repaired me, dressed my wounds, and fixed my smashed face to make me smile again. I carry the memory of the pain but I did not die.
You hear me abuser? I DID NOT DIE
The drugs again, redemption in a pill box, the Morphine saves me feeling anything at all. The darkness encroaching inch by addicted inch…. Running hot and running wild. A trail of destruction, of lives relationships lovers mangled emotions absent. Guitars smashed rooms destroyed running hot running wild into the wall. A wanna be rebel long hair unkempt black leather jacket the whole James Dean……….
Except I did not die………
You continued to abuse me…….. See if you could kill me. Was that your game? You look like shit in black……. Would you pretend to be mournful at the funeral? Did you rehearse in front of a mirror? Well sorry to disappoint you. Sorry your hours of practice were wasted.
I did not die.
The drugs the alcohol the wrecked cars the near misses laughed off in alcohol bravado. The city centre bomb courtesy of the IRA which redesigned the city for them one day, I walked away you hear me? I WALKED AWAY.
I DID NOT DIE
The overdose a final mistake……… If I had died you would have won. You would have escaped without accusation….. Your mortal days unsoiled by the truth I now speak. I am alive despite not because of you. I am alive to be your judge jury and if necessary your executioner. Black suits me if you’re interested………
You convinced me I was fat, starved me to the point of death…… You said it was my fault. They came one day to college and locked me away…… An asylum for the insane, a danger to myself and others you said. You had the knowledge to say just the right words to get me sectioned didn’t you?
You delighted in watching them sedate me…… In watching them shove tubes into my stomach to feed me……. My mouth sealed so I could not vomit the poison you pumped me with……… I could not vomit the cancer out….. The cancer you planted inside me…. A cancer black and twisted all the hate I hold for you…….
You delighted to see my room mate hanging from the light when they brought me back one day……. A blanket round his neck…… A pool of shit and piss on the linoleum floor beneath him, his neck twisted beyond redemption. Did you wish you could push me that far gone? J’accuse! His eyes staring blankly into yours………..His eyes staring into mine…. His eyes staring into the nurses who cut him down…. J’accuse.
I did not die in there, they would not let me die…….. They said I had a life to live that God had a purpose for me as he has for all of us. I did not die. They let me out again into your custody…….
Again the abuse, the beatings the names the touching……. The final exquisite sin, almost the last thing you could steal from me……. You beat me almost to death. So crippled so mangled I could not stand. All this piss vomit cum and shit you beat out of me….. The mind you crushed…. The needles you gave to me….. The bottles you opened for me…… The bottles you smashed on me….. The cigarettes you lit for me….. The cigarettes you stubbed out on me…………. All the wounds all the tears, all that pushing to the brink you did. I did not step over the brink…….
I did not die……
Now I am far away from you….. You still hurt me; you still abuse me you still fuck with me. But now I can stand. Now I stand defiant….. Now the truth is told
Now I sit here listening to Nighwish on my CD player….. My home paid for by honest work and getting by, I am standing on my feet. All the daemons you gave to me will fall. The light is coming, a cross and an angel. An angel supports me. God provides for my soul……. An angel provides for my heart and mind.
A divine light shines the darkness I must face tempered by the light. I can face the darkness inside me……. The beast in me is caged by the light. My destruction is hiding in the shadows as he is scared of the light.
I am the daemon, I am someone else loved and desired. I am walking to the light of redemption. I am duality…….. I can live with my daemon as an angel will defeat him. An angel stared him down one day…….I can survive the darkness. I can survive you…….
The truth and the light will defeat the dark and the hate….. Love and hope will endure….
I did not die……. I am dislocated I am hurting but I am standing in Ground Zero brushing the debris from my clothes……….
I DID NOT DIE………… I WILL SURVIVE I WANT TO LIVE…..
You lost abuser…….. All it took to defeat you was love and an angel…..
The darkness is coming……… The monster is coming…… the daemon is coming……
©Boneman productions 2008