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permission to voice

Miscellaneous By: bshydin

about myself

Submitted:May 10, 2008    Reads: 48    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   

the day it hit me, wasn't sure how to feel or what to do, life went through me and began to miss being alive, home life was disrupted, kids worried, my first wife cried, girlfriend thought of herself, left me wondering is this it for me, tried very hard to make something for myself from a early age, times were hard, growing up picturing a good life with a wife and kids, living better then my parents, it was wishing and not doing, the people around me hoping to be them and what they had and not being myself, being alone as a child, no one to discipline me, care if i was hurt or doing some kind of drug, watching them walk passed me without a word, no teaching by them. only learning from what i saw made me do what i have done, always had anger and no will to live to my late teens, when i forgot that feeling is when i met a girl who now is my x-wife, the 13 years of marriage there were times that it entered my life again, tried,, never succeeded, there could be a reason why i failed this simple task, maybe there was something waiting for me for the years down the road for me to live, feeling helpless as i was awake putting my attention only on what i had to do, but i had no life to live, everyday wanting to be no longer here from age 6 is when it started, to my age now 36, this is the year i let go of my life, i let it die with all the pain, worries, loneliness, sadness, failure and the thought of dieing, it was the day i was hit with something that would take my life without myself helping the reasons and hatred that i had for life changed into simple days tastes, just wanted to live to see another day with out fear as i live now with no more feelings from the past, i understood what went wrong, the emptiness that was inside me, i`m the one who made, for 30 years i took my life away from myself, the fault is mine only, as i lay on this table as i let them take a peace of me, as the drill moved slowly around, as the pain i feel, nothing hurt worst then the last 30 years of living and realized i got my final wish that i ask for, it came true for me,,, i wished for my life to change and it did, i`m not mad or angry, sad or fearful, i have a changed life that told me to stay alive, that its simple to remove myself from here, but its simple to stay alive to, changed the way i thought and how to treat life and people around me, it made me look deeper into people, to see many areas, how to respect ones around me, how to talk without any type of fear to the one in front of me, this wish that i ask for is a reason to stay here with you all, but its a reason for me to show that it is possible for me to live, to enjoy the rest of my life, to beat this cancer that i feel each day, that takes a lot away from me, the blindness that will come, the discouragement, the frustration, the adjusting to better myself, the best attitude that i can perform and being honest with myself, i succeeded in something wonderful and want you to feel it, that i found that lays inside me,,,,,, the threat of still another familial place that hasn1t been touch inside, my lying spirit that i feared from, what can i do,,,,, there again the evil smile passed across to deaden your hope for you to experience that beautiful butterfly that you know that flies within you, once you've understand your problem you`ll know what needs are to you as for you to be human, think as yourself as a sculpture and remove all the programed thoughts of your living, do away with self pity, our living is a strong part of you getting through each day your awake, its not easy to be alive, each of us deal with our dead part of whats in us, you can change that to be alive once you understand who you are, why you are here, why each of us has a reason to be here, why you see things that others want see, why you are you, your made into an object that can see, feel and voice,,,permission to voice, can i , will it change your evening for what i say to you, will life seem more emotional as you live it, can my voice experience a thought that you think, will happiness set in your memory for all accomplishment that you feel, the suffering that you had done, the questions that you ask will be answers deep inside within your soul, my touch of you, you`ll feel the beautiful butterfly that flies inside within me, the deeply pain that no more you feel, the stage of change you are living is the temptation that's inside you, permission to voice, can i, let me show you the understanding, the treasures of life, let me inspire you to bring the lost passion that you search for that you've lost as you grew up to what you are now, shut your eyes and feel that butterfly, feel your own love for yourself and loneliness will not be apart of your today


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