Too many thoughts are racing through my head. I can't seem to
focus. Too much going on at once I guess. Empty and alone. Too
much has changed and yet too much is the same. I wish it were
stable, even for a little while, but it's not. I can't believe
that I am here, now, in the last place I thought I'd ever be.
Stuck between a lost cause and an impending freight train. Either
way is trouble, and I can't see a way out. Maybe I'll find a
light, like the times before. But the one who would show me is
gone now. And it hurts too much to look on my own.
Walking the halls of my broken dreams, a world of shattered glass. Each step is painful and I wonder if I'll ever reach the other side of this empty wasteland. It's familiar territory. I've been here before. But it seems to have worsened in my absence. Taken on a few things I had thought to have beaten in the last war waged here. I guess not. They must have hidden in the shadows, ready to take over what I had reclaimed. My army is gone now, and their's grows. Will I ever see past the pain to what lies ahead? Or will I wander, blind, in a world of my own creation?
The words settle on the screen like acid, seeming to eat away at
the fragile walls of my soul. I doubt there's much less holding
it together now. My cousin is upstairs with her daughter, playing
and watching TV. I'm not a big TV fan, that's why I'm down here,
typing away. My uncle is finally happy, spending time with some
woman he met online. She seems nice, I've met her now. She's
prettier than I thought she'd be. I can hear Alexys, Crystal's
daughter talking in her baby speech. Asking for a father that
isn't here. Is rarely here.
Down here it's quiet except for the tapping of the keys. I find myself wondering wether the reader will think this is fact or fiction.... I guess only time will tell. I don't think I get many visitors nowadays. Haven't been on in awhile. Kind of hard to manage with no internet. My cousin does though. I look around and I see a bare room, it makes me sad. Seems we're all having trouble nowadays. But her parents help her out, expecting nothing in return. I haven't talked to mine in a week. They seem to only call when they want or need something from me. Or they need to talk to whoever is around me. They've ceased to talk just to me.
The last time I tried calling them, all I got was strained words and short answers. They don't care anymore. Selfish lot. It's their fault I'm here anyway. How I wish those were just words of anger, but they really did cause it. My sisters are distant, even the one who seemed to care hasn't tried to reach me. I guess her boyfriend, the first she's ever had, is more important. He's too old for her, and he has caused her to change for the worst. Has our mother noticed? Or is she too wrapped up in her self-indulgence to care anymore? All she ever talks about is her, and her issues. My older sister is lazy, she never does anything but drive a car, eat, and sleep. Makes me wonder what she's going to do when my parents die and she no longer has them to mooch off of. My younger one at least hasa plan. She's moving in with her dealer boyfriend when she turns 18. The soonest she can without my mother dragging her back for the foodstamps.
You're probably wondering about my father then now, huh? Well, he's pretty lazy at the moment, but I don't blame him. He's disabled and can't find work. He's been trying though. All I can blame him for is his lack of care for my younger sister, and the fact that he refuses to take his medicine. He'll probably be back in the psych ward soon. I think I'm finally starting to wind down from this stress I'm venting. Might as well add myself to the list than.
I was forced out of my last home because of my parents stupidity, I don't really feel like going into detail there, it will just piss me off. They refuse to admit when they do wrong. I don't really live anywhere at the moment. My physical address would have to be my uncle and cousin's house. None of my stuff is there, sadly, all my belongings fit into one bag, two if you count my books. I usually do. Wondering why I say physical? My uncle refuses to let me stay there unless I go out on the road with him. He's a truck driver. And no, nothing stupid or illegal goes on. I have a rider policy that allows me to ride with him. I have to renew it this monday. Being in the truck isn't that bad. The lack of adequate bedding and sleep does though.