How can three words that are supposed to mean so much mean so little? How can these words, words that are meant to evoke great emotion, feel empty? Clearly there is something wrong. But what? Is there something wrong with the words themselves? Or does the fault lie with the one who says them?
Every time I say “I love you” I feel empty, fake. I feel like a carbon copy of a human being. I feel dirty, like these words are magic, and if used wrongly, they will lose their magic. Perhaps that’s what happened. Perhaps these three important words lost their meaning when I was a child. Perhaps I used them too much.
Or perhaps, the problem is now. Perhaps the reason they mean nothing to me is because, deep down, I don’t want to mean them. Perhaps this is all a lie. Maybe I am persuading myself that I am doing the right thing, when, in reality, it is all wrong. Perhaps.
And if I am? If this is all a lie? Where will I be then? I’ll be back to where I started, succumbing to my demons. And eventually, those demons will overtake me. Maybe this time, they will win. Maybe.
And if they win? I will never have a chance to say the magic words and make them mean something. So what do I do? Do I continue to use them without meaning? Or do I stop and let my demons take hold?