No one can really explain what "love" is. It's a feeling we get deep in our soul that could either feel like angels singing or the minions in hell trying to pull you down. Sadly I myself have been at both ends of this spectrum, and even more appalling is that I know the hell minions on a first name basis. On my journey of confused lesbianism wanting to be straight fiasco I ran into that feeling... a lot. Almost every male I tried to love either only wanted sex, cheated on me, or left me because I didn't give it up. I was always left on depressions door because once again me trying to "fix" myself had failed. Over and over I would try but no matter how much I pretended or fantasized about women nothing could make me love a male. It was my little secret up until recently and now I wish I could go back in time and start over as who I was meant to be. Only reason I say that is because I would have accepted myself and didn't need all that disappointment and didn't have to tell the story to everyone and their brother now. I'm not going to lie females were not any better at not breaking my heart, but only difference is; it REALLY hurt. I dated a female in high school and I feel for her a lot faster than I'd expect to. Not long she had to leave, because of reasons that don't matter, to Denver and was convinced when winter break ended she wouldn't be in school. We broke up on that last day and I got news that not even two hours later she was kissing a guy that was infatuated the whole time we were together. It hurt like hell, but by the time school started up again I knew that she wasn't going to be there and Id move on... sadly I was very mistaken and she was the first person I see walking into choir. I run out of the room in tears and my best friend tells her, "you will not look at her, you will not talk to her, you will not breathe in her direction, or I swear to god bitch I will kick your ass!" We did not speak for two months until she cornered me and demanded to tell her what was going on. I told her the story and this is what she told me, "I didn't try to kiss Tyler he was trying to kiss me and I pulled away. I am in love with you and I wouldn't do that to you. I want try and work things out and start over." Stupidly I jumped on bored like nothing happened only to get my heart crushed continuously for the next year and a half. She dated other guys, she dated a guy I was friends with, and she dated a girl who wanted to kill me if it wasn't illegal and stopped talking to me all at the same time. I was her lap dog there whenever she needed a kiss or someone to make her feel better, but never relationship material. She stomped on my heart more than I can count and on top of that she was the very first girlfriend I had ever had and look how that turned out. Now all feelings for her are gone, but we still keep in touch on a friend level. My ex- girlfriend hurt me the most. I lowered all self-respect for myself for her and let her take advantage of me. She was younger than me and we were in a long distance relationship, and everything seemed fine to me. A month after we were together she cheated on me, left me for the girl she cheated on me with, and broke up with her a week later and came back to me. I was so blinded by love when I found out (when we were together for five months) I forgave her just so she wouldn't leave me, and that sent off a chain reaction. Since I didn't punish her she knew she could do it as much as she wanted and id forgive her. My ex left me for other people, lied to me, hid things from me, kissed people and let them kiss her back, and cheated on me a total of 4 more times( but after our break up she told me about three more times she cheated on me). It was a long year for me and I cried all the tears I thought I had, but three days before our one year anniversary she breaks up with me for someone else and was also the last person she cheated on me with. Her excuse? She said, "This is so hard and I don't trust myself to be faithful to you when you're so far away I wish you were here because then I could give you my all. I'm to you to be tied down with such commitment; we are talking about marriage and kid's, I'm only 15 and this is too much. I want to share my life with you but right now I want to live out my teenage years as a teenager, not as someone's wife." Before she told me that she was trying to convince me that we should be in an open relationship and I wouldn't have that. The plan was to see other people and she was going move out here when she was 18 and we would live our life the way we planned, but I hit a speed bump that changed everything and I shall get into that later. I was tired of someone making me feel like I was being dragged to hell every five seconds, who couldn't handle a mature relationship and someone who treated me badly as well. Everyone said we were the cutest couple, but no one saw what was going on behind the scenes. When we broke up my best friend Elizabeth Michelle Patterson was there for me when I had hit my ultimate low. She made me smile and feel good, and it got to the point where we were slowly flirting. We have known each other for almost two years now, and since day one I knew she was in love with me and she never stopped. I told her we couldn't be together because I didn't want to hurt her when my ex was to come back, and she said that was fine as long as I'm in her life she would be okay. It turned out to be more than that. We have now been together a little over 8 months she is coming to visit me in July and I've never been this happy in my life. This is the mature equal love I've been looking for and she is giving me more than enough. When signing a contract with love you don't know what you're going get until you get this gut retching feeling that you finally got it right.